by Saint Teresa

Re-imprimatur.

+ Franciscus

Archiepiscopus Westmonast.
27 Sept., 1904.
_________________________________________________________________

The Life
of
St. Teresa of Jesus,
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel.

Written by Herself.

Translated from the Spanish by
David Lewis.

Third Edition Enlarged.

With additional Notes and an Introduction by
Rev. Fr. Benedict Zimmerman, O.C.D.


London:
Thomas Baker


New York:
Benziger Bros.

MCMIV.
_________________________________________________________________

Contents.

Chap.

[1]Introduction to the Third Edition, by Rev. B. Zimmerman

[2]St. Teresa's Arguments of the Chapters

[3]Preface by David Lewis

[4]Annals of the Saint's Life

[5]Prologue

[6]I. Childhood and early Impressions The Blessing of pious Parents Desire
of Martyrdom Death of the Saint's Mother

[7]II. Early Impressions Dangerous Books and Companions The Saint is placed
in a Monastery

[8]III. The Blessing of being with good people How certain Illusions were
removed

[9]IV. Our Lord helps her to become a Nun Her many Infirmities

[10]V. Illness and Patience of the Saint The Story of a Priest whom she
rescued from a Life of Sin

[11]VI. The great Debt she owed to our Lord for His Mercy to her She takes
St. Joseph for her Patron

[12]VII. Lukewarmness The Loss of Grace Inconvenience of Laxity in Religious
Houses

[13]VIII. The Saint ceases not to pray Prayer the way to recover what is
lost All exhorted to pray The great Advantage of Prayer, even to those who
may have ceased from it

[14]IX. The means whereby our Lord quickened her Soul, gave her Light in her
Darkness, and made her strong in Goodness

[15]X. The Graces she received in Prayer What we can do ourselves The great
Importance of understanding what our Lord is doing for us She desires her
Confessors to keep her Writings secret, because of the special Graces of our
Lord to her, which they had commanded her to describe

[16]XI. Why men do not attain quickly to the perfect Love of God Of Four
Degrees of Prayer Of the First Degree The Doctrine profitable for Beginners,
and for those who have no sensible Sweetness

[17]XII. What we can ourselves do The Evil of desiring to attain to
supernatural States before our Lord calls us

[18]XIII. Of certain Temptations of Satan Instructions relating thereto

[19]XIV. The Second State of Prayer Its supernatural Character

[20]XV. Instructions for those who have attained to the Prayer of Quiet Many
advance so far, but few go farther

[21]XVI. The Third State of Prayer Deep Matters What the Soul can do that
has reached it Effects of the great Graces of our Lord

[22]XVII. The Third State of Prayer The Effects thereof The Hindrance caused
by the Imagination and the Memory

[23]XVIII. The Fourth State of Prayer The great Dignity of the Soul raised
to it by our Lord Attainable on Earth, not by our Merit, but by the Goodness
of our Lord

[24]XIX. The Effects of this Fourth State of Prayer Earnest Exhortations to
those who have attained to it not to go back nor to cease from Prayer, even
if they fall The great Calamity of going back

[25]XX. The Difference between Union and Rapture What Rapture is The
Blessing it is to the Soul The Effects of it

[26]XXI. Conclusion of the Subject Pain of the Awakening Light against
Delusions

[27]XXII. The Security of Contemplatives lies in their not ascending to high
Things if our Lord does not raise them The Sacred Humanity must be the Road
to the highest Contemplation A Delusion in which the Saint was once
entangled

[28]XXIII. The Saint resumes the History of her Life Aiming at
Perfection Means whereby it may be gained Instructions for Confessors

[29]XXIV. Progress under Obedience Her Inability to resist the Graces of
God God multiplies His Graces

[30]XXV. Divine Locutions Delusions on that Subject

[31]XXVI. How the Fears of the Saint vanished How she was assured that her
Prayer was the Work of the Holy Spirit

[32]XXVII. The Saint prays to be directed in a different way Intellectual
Visions

[33]XXVIII. Visions of the Sacred Humanity and of the glorified
Bodies Imaginary Visions Great Fruits thereof when they come from God

[34]XXIX. Of Visions The Graces our Lord bestowed on the Saint The Answers
our Lord gave her for those who tried her

[35]XXX. St. Peter of Alcantara comforts the Saint Great Temptations and
Interior Trials

[36]XXXI. Of certain outward Temptations and Appearances of Satan Of the
Sufferings thereby occasioned Counsels for those who go on unto Perfection

[37]XXXII. Our Lord shows St. Teresa the Place which she had by her Sins
deserved in Hell The Torments there How the Monastery of St. Joseph was
founded

[38]XXXIII. The Foundation of the Monastery hindered Our Lord consoles the
Saint

[39]XXXIV. The Saint leaves her Monastery of the Incarnation for a time, at
the command of her superior Consoles an afflicted Widow

[40]XXXV. The Foundation of the House of St. Joseph Observance of holy
Poverty therein How the Saint left Toledo

[41]XXXVI. The Foundation of the Monastery of St. Joseph Persecution and
Temptations Great interior Trial of the Saint, and her Deliverance

[42]XXXVII. The Effects of the divine Graces in the Soul The inestimable
Greatness of one Degree of Glory

[43]XXXVIII. Certain heavenly Secrets, Visions, and Revelations The Effects
of them in her Soul

[44]XXXIX. Other Graces bestowed on the Saint The Promises of our Lord to
her Divine Locutions and Visions

[45]XL. Visions, Revelations, and Locutions

The Relations.

Relation.

[46]I. Sent to St. Peter of Alcantara in 1560 from the Monastery of the
Incarnation, Avila

[47]II. To one of her Confessors, from the House of Doña Luisa de la Cerda,
in 1562

[48]III. Of various Graces granted to the Saint from the year 1568 to 1571,
inclusive

[49]IV. Of the Graces the Saint received in Salamanca at the end of Lent,
1571

[50]V. Observations on certain Points of Spirituality

[51]VI. The Vow of Obedience to Father Gratian which the Saint made in 1575

[52]VII. Made for Rodrigo Alvarez, S.J., in the year 1575, according to Don
Vicente de la Fuente; but in 1576, according to the Bollandists and F. Bouix

[53]VIII. Addressed to F. Rodrigo Alvarez

[54]IX. Of certain spiritual Graces she received in Toledo and Avila in the
years 1576 and 1577

[55]X. Of a Revelation to the Saint at Avila, 1579, and of Directions
concerning the Government of the Order

[56]XI. Written from Palencia in May, 1581, and addressed to Don Alonzo
Velasquez, Bishop of Osma, who had been when Canon of Toledo, one of the
Saint's Confessors
_________________________________________________________________

Introduction to the Present Edition.

When the publisher entrusted me with the task of editing this volume, one
sheet was already printed and a considerable portion of the book was in
type. Under his agreement with the owners of the copyright, he was bound to
reproduce the text and notes, etc., originally prepared by Mr. David Lewis
without any change, so that my duty was confined to reading the proofs and
verifying the quotations. This translation of the Life of St. Teresa is so
excellent, that it could hardly be improved. While faithfully adhering to
her wording, the translator has been successful in rendering the lofty
teaching in simple and clear language, an achievement all the more
remarkable as in addition to the difficulty arising from the transcendental
nature of the subject matter, the involved style, and the total absence of
punctuation tend to perplex the reader. Now and then there might be some
difference of opinion as to how St. Teresa's phrases should be construed,
but it is not too much to say that on the whole Mr. Lewis has been more
successful than any other translator, whether English or foreign. Only in
one case have I found it necessary to make some slight alteration in the
text, and I trust the owners of the copyright will forgive me for doing so.
In [57]Chapter XXV.,§ 4, St. Teresa, speaking of the difference between the
Divine and the imaginary locutions, says that a person commending a matter
to God with great earnestness, may think that he hears whether his prayer
will be granted or not: y es muy posible, "and this is quite possible," but
he who has ever heard a Divine locution will see at once that this assurance
is something quite different. Mr. Lewis, following the old Spanish editions,
translated "And it is most impossible," whereas both the autograph and the
context demand the wording I have ventured to substitute.

When Mr. Lewis undertook the translation of St. Teresa's works, he had
before him Don Vicente de la Fuente's edition (Madrid, 1861“1862), supposed
to be a faithful transcript of the original. In 1873 the Sociedad
Foto-Tipografica-Catolica of Madrid published a photographic reproduction of
the Saint's autograph in 412 pages in folio, which establishes the true text
once for all. Don Vicente prepared a transcript of this, in which he wisely
adopted the modern way of spelling but otherwise preserved the original
text, or at least pretended to do so, for a minute comparison between
autograph and transcript reveals the startling fact that nearly a thousand
inaccuracies have been allowed to creep in. Most of these variants are
immaterial, but there are some which ought not to have been overlooked.
Thus, in [58]Chapter XVIII.§ 20, St. Teresa's words are: Un gran letrado de
la orden del glorioso santo Domingo, while Don Vicente retains the old
reading De la orden del glorioso patriarca santo Domingo. Mr. Lewis
possessed a copy of this photographic reproduction, but utilised it only in
one instance in his second edition. [1]

The publication of the autograph has settled a point of some importance. The
Bollandists (n. 1520), discussing the question whether the [59]headings of
the chapters (appended to this Introduction) are by St. Teresa or a later
addition, come to the conclusion (against the authors of the Reforma de los
Descalços) that they are clearly an interpolation (clarissime patet) on
account of the praise of the doctrine contained in these arguments.
Notwithstanding their high authority the Bollandists are in this respect
perfectly wrong, the arguments are entirely in St. Teresa's own hand and are
exclusively her own work. The Book of Foundations and the Way of Perfection
contain similar arguments in the Saint's handwriting. Nor need any surprise
be felt at the alleged praise of her doctrine for by saying: this chapter is
most noteworthy (Chap. XIV.), or: this is good doctrine (Chap. XXI.), etc.,
she takes no credit for herself because she never grows tired of repeating
that she only delivers the message she has received from our Lord. [2] The
Bollandists, not having seen the original, may be excused, but P. Bouix
(whom Mr. Lewis follows in this matter) had no right to suppress these
arguments. It is to be hoped that future editions of the works of S. Teresa
will not again deprive the reader of this remarkable feature of her
writings. What she herself thought of her books is best told by Yepes in a
letter to Father Luis de Leon, the first editor of her works: "She was
pleased when her writings were being praised and her Order and the convents
were held in esteem. Speaking one day of the Way of Perfection, she rejoiced
to hear it praised, and said to me with great content: Some grave men tell
me that it is like Holy Scripture. For being revealed doctrine it seemed to
her that praising her book was like praising God." [3]

A notable feature in Mr. Lewis's translation is his division of the chapters
into short paragraphs. But it appears that he rearranged the division during
the process of printing, with the result that a large number of references
were wrong. No labour has been spared in the correction of these, and I
trust that the present edition will be the more useful for it. In quoting
the Way of Perfection and the Interior Castle (which he calls Inner
Fortress!) Mr. Lewis refers to similar paragraphs which, however, are to be
found in no English edition. A new translation of these two works is greatly
needed, and, in the case of the Way of Perfection, the manuscript of the
Escurial should be consulted as well as that of Valladolid. Where the
writings of S. John of the Cross are quoted by volume and page, the edition
referred to is the one of 1864, another of Mr. Lewis's masterpieces. The
chapters in Ribera's Life of St. Teresa refer to the edition in the Acts of
the Saint by the Bollandists. These and all other quotations have been
carefully verified, with the exception of those taken from the works on
Mystical theology by Antonius a Spiritu Sancto and Franciscus a S. Thoma,
which I was unable to consult. I should have wished to replace the
quotations from antiquated editions of the Letters of our Saint by
references to the new French edition by P. Grégoire de S. Joseph (Paris,
Poussielgue, 1900), which may be considered as the standard edition.

In [60]note 2 to Chap. XI. Mr. Lewis draws attention to a passage in a
sermon by S. Bernard containing an allusion to different ways of watering a
garden similar to St. Teresa's well-known comparison. Mr. Lewis's quotation
is incorrect, and I am not certain what sermon he may have had in view.
Something to the point may be found in sermon 22 on the Canticle (Migne, P.
L. Vol. CLXXXIII, p. 879), and in the first sermon on the Nativity of our
Lord (ibid., p. 115), and also in a sermon on the Canticle by one of St.
Bernard's disciples (Vol. CLXXXIV., p. 195). I am indebted to the Very Rev.
Prior Vincent McNabb, O.P., for the verification of a [61]quotation from
St. Vincent Ferrer ([62]Chap. XX.§ 31).

Since the publication of Mr. Lewis's translation the uncertainty about the
date of St. Teresa's profession has been cleared up. Yepes, the Bollandists,
P. Bouix, Don Vicente de la Fuente, Mr. Lewis, and numerous other writers
assume that she entered the convent of the Incarnation [4] on November 2nd,
1533, and made her profession on November 3rd, 1534. The remaining dates of
events previous to her conversion are based upon this, as will he seen from
the chronology printed by Mr. Lewis at the end of his Preface and frequently
referred to in the footnotes. It rests, however, on inadequate evidence,
namely on a single passage in the Life [5] where the Saint says that she was
not yet twenty years old when she made her first supernatural experience in
prayer. She was twenty in March, 1535, and as this event took place after
her profession, the latter was supposed by Yepes and his followers to have
taken place in the previous November. Even if we had no further evidence,
the fact that St. Teresa is not always reliable in her calculation should
have warned us not to rely too much upon a somewhat casual statement. In the
[63]first chapter,§ 7, she positively asserts that she was rather less than
twelve years old at the death of her mother, whereas we know that she was at
least thirteen years and eight months old. As to the profession we have
overwhelming evidence that it took place on the 3rd of November, 1536, and
her entrance in the convent a year and a day earlier. To begin with, we have
the positive statement of her most intimate friends, Julian d'Avila, Father
Ribera, S.J., and Father Jerome Gratian. Likewise doña Maria Pinel, nun of
the Incarnation, says in her deposition: "She (Teresa of Jesus) took the
habit on 2 November, 1535." [6] This is corroborated by various passages in
the Saint's writings. Thus, in [64]Relation VII., written in 1575, she says,
speaking of herself: "This nun took the habit forty years ago." Again in a
passage of the Life written about the end of 1564 or the beginning of the
following year, [7] she mentions that she has been a nun for over
twenty-eight years, which points to her profession in 1536. But there are
two documents which place the date of profession beyond dispute, namely the
act of renunciation of her right to the paternal inheritance and the deed of
dowry drawn up before a public notary. Both bear the date 31 October, 1536.
The authors of the Reforma de los Descalços thought that they must have been
drawn up before St. Teresa took the habit, and therefore placed this event
in 1536 and the profession in 1537, but neither of these documents is
necessarily connected with the clothing, yet both must have been completed
before profession. The Constitutions of Blessed John Soreth, drawn up in
1462, which were observed at the convent of the Incarnation, contain the
following rule with regard to the reception and training of novices: [8]
Consulimus quod recipiendus ante susceptionem habitus expediat se de omnibus
quae habet in saeculo nisi ex causa rationabili per priorem generalem vel
provincialem fuerit aliter ordinatum. There was, indeed, good reason in the
case of St. Teresa to postpone these legal matters. Her father was much
opposed to her becoming a nun, but considering his piety it might have been
expected that before the end of the year of probation he would grant his
consent (which in the event he did the very day she took the habit), and
make arrangements for the dowry. One little detail concerning her haste in
entering the convent has been preserved by the Reforma and the Bollandists,
[9] though neither seem to have understood its meaning. On leaving the
convent of the Incarnation for St. Joseph's in 1563, St. Teresa handed the
prioress of the former convent a receipt for her bedding, habit and
discipline. This almost ludicrous scrupulosity was in conformity with a
decision of the general chapter of 1342 which said: Ingrediens ordinem ad
sui ipsius instantiam habeat lectisternia pro se ipso, sin autem recipiens
solvat lectum illum. As St. Teresa entered the convent without the knowledge
of her father she did not bring this insignificant trousseau with her;
accordingly the prioress became responsible for it and obtained a receipt
when St. Teresa went to the new convent. The dowry granted by Alphonso
Sanchez de Cepeda to his daughter consisted of twenty-five measures, partly
wheat, partly barley, or, in lieu thereof, two hundred ducats per annum. Few
among the numerous nuns of the Incarnation could have brought a better or
even an equal dowry.

The date of St. Teresa's profession being thus fixed on the 3rd of November,
1536, some other dates of the chronology must be revised. Her visit to
Castellanos de la Cañada must have taken place in the early part of 1537.
But already before this time the Saint had an experience which should have
proved a warning to her, and the neglect of which she never ceased to
deplore, namely the vision of our Lord; [10] her own words are that this
event took place "at the very beginning of her acquaintance with the person"
who exercised so dangerous an influence upon her. Mr. Lewis assigns to it
the date 1542, which is impossible seeing that instead of twenty-six it was
only twenty-two years before she wrote that passage of her life. Moreover,
it would have fallen into the midst of her lukewarmness (according to Mr.
Lewis's chronology) instead of the very beginning. P. Bouix rightly assigns
it to the year 1537, but as he is two years in advance of our chronology it
does not agree with the surrounding circumstances as described by him.
Bearing in mind the hint St. Teresa gives [11] as to her disposition
immediately after her profession, we need not be surprised if the first
roots of her lukewarmness show themselves so soon.

From Castellanos she proceeded to Hortigosa on a visit to her uncle. While
there she became acquainted with the book called Tercer Abecedario. Don
Vicente remarks that the earliest edition known to him was printed in 1537,
which tells strongly against the chronology of the Bollandists, P. Bouix,
and others. Again, speaking of her cure at Bezadas she gives a valuable hint
by saying that she remained blind to certain dangers for more than seventeen
years until the Jesuit fathers finally undeceived her. As these came to
Avila in 1555 the seventeen years lead us back to 1538, which precisely
coincides with her sojourn at Bezadas. She remained there until Pascua
florida of the following year. P. Bouix and others understand by this term
Palm Sunday, but Don Vicente shows good reason that Easter Sunday is meant,
which in 1539 was April the 6th. She then returned to Avila, more dead than
alive, and remained seriously ill for nearly three years, until she was
cured through the miraculous intervention of St. Joseph about the beginning
of 1542. Now began the period of lukewarmness which was temporally
interrupted by the illness and death of her father, in 1544 or 1545, and
came to an end about 1555. Don Vicente, [65]followed by Mr. Lewis, draws
attention to what he believes to be a "proof of great laxity of the
convent," that St. Teresa should have been urged by one of her confessors to
communicate as often as once a fortnight. It should be understood that
frequent communion such as we now see it practised was wholly unknown in her
time. The Constitutions of the Order specified twelve days on which all
those that were not priests should communicate, adding: Verumtamen fratres
professi prout Deus eis devotionem contulerit diebus dominicis et festis
duplicibus (i.e., on feasts of our Lady, the Apostles, etc.), communicare
poterunt si qui velint. Thus, communicating about once a month St. Teresa
acted as ordinary good Religious were wont to do, and by approaching the
sacrament more frequently she placed herself among the more fervent nuns.
[12]

St. Teresa wrote quite a number of different accounts of her life. The
first, addressed to Father Juan de Padranos, S.J. [13] and dated 1557, is
now lost. The second, written for St. Peter of Alcantara, is Relation I. at
the end of this volume; a copy of it, together with a continuation (Relation
II.) was sent to Father Pedro Ibañez in 1562. It is somewhat difficult to
admit that in the very same year she wrote another, more extensive, account
to the same priest, which is generally called the "first" Life. At the end
of the Life such as we have it now, St. Teresa wrote: "This book was
finished in June, 1562," and Father Bañez wrote underneath: "This date
refers to the first account which the Holy Mother Teresa of Jesus wrote of
her life; it was not then divided into chapters. Afterwards she made this
copy and inserted in it many things which had taken place subsequent to this
date, such as the foundation of the monastery of St. Joseph of Avila."
Elsewhere Father Bañez says: [14] "Of one of her books, namely, the one in
which she recorded her life and the manner of prayer whereby God had led
her, I can say that she composed it to the end that her confessors might
know her the better and instruct her, and also that it might encourage and
animate those who learn from it the great mercy God had shown her, a great
sinner as she humbly acknowledged herself to be. This book was already
written when I made her acquaintance, her previous confessors having given
her permission to that effect. Among these was a licentiate of the Dominican
Order, the Reverend Father Pedro Ibañez, reader of Divinity at Avila. She
afterwards completed and recast this book." These two passages of Bañez have
led the biographers of the Saint to think that she wrote her Life twice,
first in 1561 and the following year, completing it in the house of Doña
Luisa de la Cerda at Toledo, in the month of June; and secondly between 1563
and 1565 at St. Joseph's Convent of Avila. They have been at pains to point
out a number of places which could not have been in the "first" Life, but
must have been added in the second [15] ; and they took it for granted that
the letter with which the book as we now have it concludes, was addressed to
Father Ibañez in 1562, when the Saint sent him the "first" Life. It bears
neither address nor date, but from its contents I am bound to conclude that
it was written in 1565, that it refers to the "second" Life, and that
whomsoever it was addressed to, it cannot have been to Father Ibañez, who
was already dead at the time. [16] Saint Teresa asks the writer to send a
copy of the book to Father Juan de Avila. Now we know from her letters that
as late as 1568 this request had not been complied with, and that St. Teresa
had to write twice to Doña Luisa for this purpose; [17] but if she had
already given these instructions in 1562, it is altogether incomprehensible
that she did not see to it earlier, especially when the "first" Life was
returned to her for the purpose of copying and completing it. The second
reason which prevents me from considering this letter as connected with the
"first" Life will be examined when I come to speak of the different ends the
Saint had in view when writing her Life. It is more difficult to say to whom
the letter was really addressed. The Reforma suggests Father Garcia de
Toledo, Dominican, who bade the Saint write the history of the foundation of
St. Joseph's at Avila [18] and who was her confessor at that convent. It
moreover believes that he it is to whom [66]Chapter XXXIV.§§ 8“20 refers,
and this opinion appears to me plausible. As to the latter point, Yepes
thinks the Dominican at Toledo was Father Vicente Barron, the Bollandists
offer no opinion, and Mr. Lewis, in his first edition gives first the one
and then the other. If, as I think, Father Garcia was meant, the passage in
[67]Chapter XVI.§ 10, beginning "O, my son," would concern him also, as
well as several passages where Vuestra Merced you, my Father is addressed.
For although the book came finally into the hands of Father Bañez, it was
first delivered into those of the addressee of the letter.

Whether the previous paper was a mere "Relation," or really a first attempt
at a "Life," [19] there can be no dispute about its purpose: St. Teresa
speaks of it in the following terms: "I had recourse to my Dominican father
(Ibañez); I told him all about my visions, my way of prayer, the great
graces our Lord had given me, as clearly as I could, and begged him to
consider the matter well, and tell me if there was anything therein at
variance with the Holy Writings, and give me his opinion on the whole
matter." [20] The account thus rendered had the object of enabling Father
Ibañez to give her light upon the state of her soul. But while she was
drawing it up, a great change came over her. During St. Teresa's sojourn at
Toledo she became from a pupil an experienced master in Mystical knowledge.
"When I was there a religious" (probably Father Garcia de Toledo) "with whom
I had conversed occasionally some years ago, happened to arrive. When I was
at Mass in a monastery of his Order, I felt a longing to know the state of
his soul." [21] Three times the Saint rose from her seat, three times she
sat down again, but at last she went to see him in a confessional, not to
ask for any light for herself, but to give him what light she could, for she
wished to induce him to surrender himself more perfectly to God, and this
she accomplished by telling him how she had fared since their last meeting.
No one who reads this remarkable chapter can help being struck by the change
that has come over Teresa: the period of her schooling is at an end, and she
is now the great teacher of Mystical theology. Her humility does not allow
her to speak with the same degree of openness upon her achievements as she
did when making known her failings, yet she cannot conceal the Gift of
Wisdom she had received and the use she made of it.

St. Teresa's development, if extraordinary considering the degree of
spirituality she reached, was nevertheless gradual and regular. With her
wonderful power of analysis, she has given us not only a clear insight into
her interior progress, but also a sketch of the development of her
understanding of supernatural things. "It is now (i.e., about the end of
1563) some five or six years, I believe, since our Lord raised me to this
state of prayer, in its fulness, and that more than once, and I never
understood it, and never could explain it; and so I was resolved, when I
should come thus far in my story, to say very little or nothing at all."
[22] In the following chapter she adds: "You, my father, will be delighted
greatly to find an account of the matter in writing, and to understand it;
for it is one grace that our Lord gives grace; and it is another grace to
understand what grace and what gift it is; and it is another and further
grace to have the power to describe and explain it to others. Though it does
not seem that more than the first of these the giving of grace is necessary,
it is a great advantage and a great grace to understand it." [23] These
words contain the clue to much that otherwise would be obscure in the life
of our Saint: great graces were bestowed upon her, but at first she neither
understood them herself nor was she able to describe them. Hence the
inability of her confessors and spiritual advisers to guide her. Her natural
gifts, great though they were, did not help her much. "Though you, my
father, may think that I have a quick understanding, it is not so; for I
have found out in many ways that my understanding can take in only, as they
say, what is given it to eat. Sometimes my confessor used to be amazed at my
ignorance: and he never explained to me nor, indeed, did I desire to
understand how God did this, nor how it could be. Nor did I ever ask." [24]
At first she was simply bewildered by the favours shown her, afterwards she
could not help knowing, despite the fears of over anxious friends, that they
did come from God, and that so far from imperilling her soul made a
different woman of her, but even then she was not able to explain to others
what she experienced in herself. But shortly before the foundation of St.
Joseph's convent she received the last of the three graces mentioned above,
the Gift of Wisdom, and the scene at Toledo is the first manifestation of
it.

This explains the difference of the "Life" such as we know it from the first
version or the "Relations" preceding it. Whatever this writing was, it still
belonged to the period of her spiritual education, whereas the volume before
us is the first-fruit of her spiritual Mastership. The new light that had
come to her induced her confessors [25] to demand a detailed work embodying
everything she had learned from her heavenly Teacher. [26] The treatise on
Mystical theology contained in Chapters X. to XXI., the investigation of
Divine locutions, Visions and Revelations in the concluding portion of the
work could have had no place in any previous writing. While her experiences
before she obtained the Gift of Wisdom influenced but three persons (one of
them being her father), a great many profited by her increased knowledge.
[27] The earlier writings were but confidential communications to her
confessors, and if they became known to larger circles this was due to
indiscretion. But her "Life" was written from the beginning with a view to
publication. Allusions to this object may be found in various places [28] as
well as in the letter appended to the book, [29] but the decisive utterances
must be sought for elsewhere, namely in the "Way of Perfection." This work
was written immediately after the "Life," while the Saint was as yet at the
convent of St. Joseph's. It was re-written later on and is now only known in
its final shape, but the first version, the original of which is preserved
at the Escurial and has been reproduced photographically, leaves no doubt as
to the intentions of St. Teresa in writing her "Life." "I have written a few
days ago a certain Relation of my Life. But since it might happen that my
confessor may not permit you (the Sisters of St. Joseph's) to read it, I
will put here some things concerning prayer which are conformable to what I
have said there, as well as some other things which appear to me to be
necessary." [30] Again: "As all this is better explained in the book which I
say I have written, there is no need for me to speak of it with so much
detail. I have said there all I know. Those of you who have been led by God
to this degree of contemplation (and I say that some have been led so far),
should procure the book because it is important for you, after I am dead."
[31] At the end she writes: "Since the Lord has taught you the way and has
inspired me as to what I should put in the book which I say has been
written, how they should behave who have arrived at this fountain of living
water and what the soul feels there, and how God satiates her and makes her
lose the thirst for things of this world and causes her to grow in things
pertaining to the service of God; that book, therefore, will be of great
help for those who have arrived at this state, and will give them much
light. Procure it. For Father Domingo Bañez, presentado of the Order of St.
Dominic who, as I say, is my confessor, and to whom I shall give this, has
it: if he judges that you should see this, and gives it to you, he will also
give you the other." [32] While the first and second of these quotations may
be found, somewhat weakened, in the final version of the "Way of
Perfection," the last one is entirely omitted. Nor need this surprise us,
for Father Bañez had his own ideas about the advisability of the publication
of the "Life." In his deposition, already referred to, he says: "It was not
convenient that this book should become public during her lifetime, but
rather that it should be kept at the Holy Office (the Inquisition) until we
knew the end of this person; it was therefore quite against my will that
some copies were taken while it was in the hands of the bishop Don Alvaro
Mendoza, who, being a powerful prelate and having received it from the said
Teresa of Jesus, allowed it to be copied and showed it to his sister, doña
Maria de Mendoza; thus certain persons taking an interest in spiritual
matters and knowing already some portions of this treatise (evidently the
contents of the divulged Relations) made further copies, one of which became
the property of the Duchess of Alba, doña Maria Enriquez, and is now, I
think, in the hands of her daughter-in-law, doña Maria de Toledo. All this
was against my wish, and I was much annoyed with the said Teresa of Jesus,
though I knew well it was not her fault but the fault of those to whom she
had confided the book, and I told her she ought to burn the original because
it would never do that the writings of women should become public property;
to which she answered she was quite aware of it and would certainly burn it
if I told her to do so; but knowing her great humility and obedience I did
not dare to have it destroyed but handed it to the Holy Office for
safe-keeping, whence it has been withdrawn since her death and published in
print." [33] From this it will he seen that Bañez, who had given a most
favourable opinion when the "Life" was denounced to the Inquisition (1574),
resulting in the approbation by Cardinal de Quiroga to the great joy of St.
Teresa, [34] returned it to the Holy Office for safety's sake. It was
withdrawn by the Ven. Mother Anne of Jesus when the Order had decided upon
the publication of the works of the Saint, but too late to be utilised then.
Father Luis de Leon, the editor, had to content himself with the copy
already alluded to.

St. Teresa wrote her "Life" slowly. It was begun in spring, 1563, [35] and
completed in May or June, 1565. She complains that she can only work at it
by stealth on account of her duties at the distaff; [36] but the book is
written with so much order and method, the manuscript is so free from
mistakes, corrections and erasures, that we may conclude that while spinning
she worked it out in her mind, so that the apparent delay proved most
advantageous. In this respect the "Life" is superior to the first version of
the "Way of Perfection." This latter work was printed during her lifetime,
though it appeared only after her death. In 1586 the Definitory of the
province of Discalced Carmelites decided upon the publication of the
complete works of the Saint, but for obvious reasons deemed not only the
members of her own Order but also Dominicans and Jesuits ineligible for the
post of editor. Such of the manuscripts as could be found were therefore
confided to the Augustinian Father, Luis de Leon, professor at Salamanca,
who prepared the edition but did not live to carry it through the press. The
fact that he did not know the autograph of the "Life" accounts for the
numerous inaccuracies to be found in nearly all editions, but the
publication of the original should ensure a great improvement for
the future.

St. Teresa's canonisation took place before the stringent laws of Urban
VIII. came into force. Consequently, the writings of the Saint were not then
enquired into, the Holy See contenting itself with the approbations granted
by the Spanish Inquisition, and by the congregation of the Rota in Rome. A
certain number of passages selected from various works having been denounced
by some Roman theologians as being contrary to the teaching of St. Thomas
Aquinas and other authorities, Diego Alvarez, a Dominican, and John Rada, a
Franciscan, were commissioned to examine the matter and report on it. The
twelve censures with the answers of the two theologians and the final
judgment of the Rota seem to have remained unknown to the Bollandists. [37]
The "heavenly doctrine" of St. Teresa is alluded to not only in the Bull of
canonisation but even in the Collect of the Mass of the Saint.

Concerning the English translations of the "Life" noticed by Mr. Lewis it
should be mentioned that the one ascribed to Abraham Woodhead is only partly
his work. Father Bede of St. Simon Stock (Walter Joseph Travers), a
Discalced Carmelite, labouring on the English Mission from 1660 till 1692,
was anxious to complete the translation of St. Teresa's works into English.
He had not proceeded very far when he learnt that "others were engaged in
the same task. On enquiry he found that a new translation was contemplated
by two graduates of the University of Cambridge, converts to the Faith, most
learned and pious men, who were leading a solitary life, spending their time
and talents in the composition of controversial and devotional works for the
good of their neighbour and the glory of God." One of these two men was
Woodhead, who, however, was an Oxford man, but the name of the other, who
must have been a Cambridge man, is not known. They undertook the translation
while Father Bede provided the funds and bore the risks of what was then a
dangerous work. As there existed already two English translations of the
"Life," the first volume to appear (1669) contained the Book of Foundations,
to which was prefixed the history of the foundation of St. Joseph's from the
"Life." When, therefore, the new translation of the latter appeared, in
1671, this portion of the book was omitted. [38] The translation was made
direct from the Spanish but "uniformly with the Italian edition."

Mr. Lewis, whose translation is the fifth, was born on the 12th of November,
1814, and died on January the 23rd, 1895. The first edition was printed in
1870, the second in 1888. It is regrettable that the latter edition, of
which the present is a reprint, omitted the marginal notes which would have
been so helpful to the reader.

St. Teresa's life and character having always been a favourite study of men
and women of various schools of thought, it may be useful to notice here a
few recent English and foreign works on the subject:

The Life of Saint Teresa, by the author of "Devotions before and after Holy
Communion" (i.e., Miss Maria Trench), London, 1875.

The Life of Saint Teresa of the Order of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Edited
with a preface by the Archbishop of Westminster (Cardinal Manning), London,
1865. (By Miss Elizabeth Lockhart, afterwards first abbess of the Franciscan
convent, Notting Hill.) Frequently reprinted.

The Life and Letters of St. Teresa, by Henry James Coleridge, S.J. Quarterly
Series. 3 vols (1881, 1887, 1888).

And, from another point of view:

The Life of St. Teresa, by Gabriela Cunninghame-Graham, 2 vols, London,
1894.

Histoire de Sainte Thérèse d'après les Bollandistes. 2 vols, Nantes, 1882.
Frequently reprinted. The author is Mlle. Adelaide Lecornu (born 5 July,
1852, died at the Carmelite convent at Caen, 14 December, 1901. Her name in
religion was Adelaide-Jéronyme-Zoe-Marie du Sacré-Coeur).

An excellent character sketch of the Saint has appeared in the "Les Saints"
series (Paris, Lecoffre, 1901):

Sainte Thérèse, par Henri Joly.

Although the attempt at explaining the extraordinary phenomena in the life
of St. Teresa by animal Magnetism and similar obscure theories had already
been exploded by the Bollandists, it has lately been revived by Professor
Don Arturo Perales Gutierrez of Granada, and Professor Don Fernando Segundo
Brieva Salvatierra of Madrid, who considered her a subject of hysterical
derangements. The discussion carried on for some time, not only in Spain but
also in France, Germany, and other countries, has been ably summed up and
disposed of by P. Grégoire de S. Joseph: La prétendue Hystérie de Sainte
Thérèse. Lyons.

The Bibliographie Thérèsienne, by Henry de Curzon (Paris, 1902) is,
unfortunately, too incomplete, not to say slovenly, to be of much use.

Finally, it is necessary to say a word about the spelling of the name
Teresa. In Spanish and Italian it should be written without an h as these
languages do not admit the use of Th; in English, likewise, where this
combination of letters represents a special sound, the name should be spelt
with T only. But the present fashion of thus writing it in Latin, German,
French, and other languages, which generally maintain the etymological
spelling, is intolerable: The name is Greek, and was placed on the calendar
in honour of a noble Spanish lady, St. Therasia, who became the wife of a
Saint, Paulinus of Nola, and a Saint herself. See Sainte Thérèse, Lettres au
R. P. Bouix, by the Abbé Postel, Paris, 1864. The derivation of the name
from the Hebrew Thersa can no longer be defended (Father Jerome-Gratian, in
Fuente, Obras, Vol. VI., p. 369 sqq.).

Benedict Zimmerman,
Prior O.C.D.

St. Luke's Priory,
Wincanton, Somerset.
16th July, 1904.
_________________________________________________________________

[1] 1. [68]Chap. xxxiv., note 5.

[2] [69]Chap. xviii.§ 11.

[3] Fuente, Obras (1881), vol. vi. p. 133.

[4] See the licence granted by Leo X. to the prioress and convent of the
Incarnation to build another house for the use of the said convent, and to
migrate thither (Vatican Archives, Dataria, Leo X., anno i., vol. viii.,
fol. 82). Also a licence to sell or exchange certain property belonging to
it (ibid., anno iv., vol. vii., f. 274; and a charge to the Bishop of Avila
concerning a recourse of the said convent (ibid., anno vii., vol. iv.,
f. 24).

[5] [70]Chap. iv§ 9.

[6] Lettres de Ste. Thérèse, edit. P. Grégoire de S. Joseph, vol. iii, p.
419, note 2.

[7] [71]Chap. xxxvi.§ 10. The date of this part of the Life can be easily
ascertained from the two following chapters. In [72]xxxvii.§ 18, St. Teresa
says that she is not yet fifty years old, consequently the chapter must have
been written before the end of March, 1565; and in the next chapter,
[73]xxxviii.§ 15, she speaks of the death of Father Pedro Ibañez, which
appears to have taken place on 2nd February. This, at least, is the date
under which his name appears in the Année Dominicaine, and the Very Rev.
Prior Vincent McNabb tells me that there is every reason to think that it is
the date of his death.

[8] When about A.D. 1452 certain communities of Beguines demanded
affiliation to the Carmelite Order, they were given the Constitutions of the
friars without any alterations. These Constitutions were revised in 1462,
but neither there nor in the Acts of the General Chapters, so far as these
are preserved, is there the slightest reference to convents of nuns. The
colophon of the printed edition (Venice, 1499) shows that they held good for
friars and nuns: Expliciunt sacrae constitutiones novae fratrum et sororum
beatae Mariae de Monte Carmelo. They contain the customary laws forbidding
the friars [note continues, p. xiii.] under pain of excommunication, to
leave the precincts of their convents without due licence, but do not enjoin
strict enclosure, which would have been incompatible with their manner of
life and their various duties. St. Teresa nowhere insinuates that the
Constitutions, such as they were, were not kept at the Incarnation; her
remarks in [74]chap. vii. are aimed at the Constitutions themselves, which
were never made for nuns, and therefore did not provide for the needs of
their convents.

[9] Reforma lib. i., cap. 47. Bollandists. no. 366.

[10] [75]Chap. vii.§ 11.

[11] [76]Chap. v.§ 2.

[12] Constitutions of 1462. Part i., cap. x.

[13] [77]Chap. xxiii.§ 17.

[14] Deposition for the process of canonisation, written in 1591. Fuente,
Obras, vol. vi., p. 174.

[15] See the [78]notes to chapters vii.§ 11; [79]xvi.§ 10; [80]xx.§ 6;
[81]xxiv.§ 4; [82]xxvii.§ 17. At the [83]end of chapter xxxi. we are told
on the authority of Don Vicente that the "first" Life must have ended at
this point.

[16] Bollandists, no. 1518.

[17] Lettres, edit. Grégoire. I., pp. 13 (18 May, 1568); 21 (27 May); 35
(2 November).

[18] Reforma, vol. i., lib. v., cap. xxxv., no. 9. Bollandists, no. 1518.

[19] If the latter, it must have been very much shorter than the second
edition, and can scarcely have contained more than the first nine chapters
(perhaps verbatim) and an account of the visions, locutions, etc., contained
in chapters xxiii.“xxxi., without comment.

[20] [84]Chap. xxxiii.§ 7.

[21] [85]Chap. xxxiv.§ 8.

[22] [86]Chap. xvi.§ 2.

[23] [87]Chap. xvii.§ 7.

[24] [88]Chap. xxviii.§ 10.

[25] In the Prologue to the Book of Foundations, Father Garcia de Toledo,
[note continues, p. xviii.] her confessor at St. Joseph's Convent, is said
to be responsible for the order to rewrite the "Life"; but in the
[89]Preface to the "Life" St. Teresa speaks of her "confessors" in the
plural. Fathers Ibañez and Bañez may be included in the number. See also
[90]ch. xxx.§ 27.

[26] [91]Chap. xviii.§ 11.

[27] [92]Chap. xiii.§ 22. In [93]chap. xvi.§ 12, the Saint says: "I wish
we five who now love one another in our Lord, had made some such
arrangement, etc." Fuente is of opinion that these five were, besides the
Saint, Father Julian de Avila, Don Francisco de Salcedo, St. John of the
Cross, and Don Lorenzo de Cepeda, St. Teresa's brother: but this is
impossible at the date of this part of the "Life." It is more probable that
she meant Francisco de Salcedo, Gaspar Daza, Julian de Avila, and Father
Ibañez, the latter being still alive in the beginning of 1564, when this
chapter was written. It is more difficult to say who the three confessors
were whom St. Teresa desired to see the "Life" ([94]ch. xl.§ 32). If, as I
think, the book was first handed to Father Garcia de Toledo, the others may
have been Francisco de Salcedo, Baltasar Alvarez, and Gaspar de Salazar.

[28] [95]Chap. x.§§ 11 and 12.

[29] This is the second reason why the letter could not have been addressed
to Father Ibañez in 1562.

[30] Edited by Don Francisco Herrero Bayona, 1883 p. 4.

[31] Ibid., chap. xli. (see Dalton's translation, chap. xxv.).

[32] Ibid., chap. lxxiii. See the difference in Dalton's translation, chap.
xlii.

[33] Fuente, Obras, vol. vi., p. 275.

[34] See the following Preface, p. xxxvii. Lettres, ed. Grégoire, ii., p.
65. P. Bertholde-Ignace, Vie de la Mère Anne de Jésus, i., p. 472.

[35] In the Prologue to the Book of Foundations, St. Teresa says that Father
Garcia de Toledo ordered her to rewrite the book the same year in which St.
Joseph's Convent was founded, i.e. 1562, but seeing that she only spent a
few hours there and that the principal difficulties only arose after her
return to the Incarnation, it appears more probable that Father Garcia's
command was not made until the spring of the following year, when she went
to live at St. Joseph's.

[36] [96]Chap. x.§ 11.

[37] See Historia Generalis Fratrum Discalceatorum Ordinis B. Virginis
Mariae de Monte Carmelo Congregationis Eliae. Romae, 1668, vol. i., pp.
340“358 ad ann. 1604.

[38] See Carmel in England, by Rev. Father B. Zimmerman, p. 240 sqq.
_________________________________________________________________

St. Teresa's Arguments of the Chapters.

J.H.S.

J.H.S. Chapter I. [39] In which she tells how God [40] began to dispose
this soul from childhood for virtue, and how she was helped by having
virtuous parents.

Chapter II. How she lost these virtues and how important it is to deal from
childhood with virtuous persons.

Chapter III. In which she sets forth how good company was the means of her
resuming good intentions, and in what manner God began to give her some
light on the deception to which she was subjected.

Chapter IV. She explains how, with the assistance of God, she compelled
herself to take the (Religious) habit, and how His Majesty began to send her
many infirmities.

Chapter V. She continues to speak of the great infirmities she suffered and
the patience God gave her to bear them, and how He turned evil into good, as
is seen from something that happened at the place where she went for a cure.

Chapter VI. Of the great debt she owes God for giving her conformity of her
will (with His) in her trials, and how she turned towards the glorious St.
Joseph as her helper and advocate, and how much she profited thereby.

Chapter VII. Of the way whereby she lost the graces God had granted her, and
the wretched life she began to lead; she also speaks of the danger arising
from the want of a strict enclosure in convents of nuns.

Chapter VIII. Of the great advantage she derived from not entirely
abandoning prayer so as not to lose her soul; and what an excellent remedy
this is in order to win back what one has lost. She exhorts everybody to
practise prayer, and shows what a gain it is, even if one should have given
it up for a time, to make use of so great a good.

Chapter IX. By what means God began to rouse her soul and give light in the
midst of darkness, and to strengthen her virtues so that she should not
offend Him.

Chapter X. She begins to explain the graces God gave her in prayer, and how
much we can do for ourselves, and of the importance of understanding God's
mercies towards us. She requests those to whom this is to be sent to keep
the remainder (of this book) secret, since they have commanded her to go
into so many details about the graces God has shown her.

Chapter XI. In which she sets forth how it is that we do not love God
perfectly in a short time. She begins to expound by means of a comparison
four degrees of prayer, of the first of which she treats here; this is most
profitable for beginners and for those who find no taste in prayer.

Chapter XII. Continuation of the first state. She declares how far, with the
grace of God, we can proceed by ourselves, and speaks of the danger of
seeking supernatural and extraordinary experiences before God lifts up the
soul.

Chapter XIII. She continues to treat of the first degree, and gives advice
with respect to certain temptations sometimes sent by Satan. This is most
profitable.

Chapter XIV. She begins to explain the second degree of prayer in which God
already gives the soul special consolations, which she shows here to be
supernatural. This is most noteworthy.

Chapter XV. Continuing the same subject, she gives certain advice how one
should behave in the prayer of quiet. She shows that many souls advance so
far, but that few go beyond. The matters treated of in this chapter are very
necessary and profitable.

Chapter XVI. On the third degree of prayer; she declares things of an
elevated nature; what the soul that has come so far can do, and the effect
of such great graces of God. This is calculated to greatly animate the
spirit to the praise of God, and contains advice for those who have reached
this point.

Chapter XVII. Continues to declare matters concerning the third degree of
prayer and completes the explanation of its effects. She also treats of the
impediment caused by the imagination and the memory.

Chapter XVIII. She treats of the fourth degree of prayer, and begins to
explain [41] in what high dignity God holds a soul that has attained this
state; this should animate those who are given to prayer, to make an effort
to reach so high a state since it can be obtained in this world, though not
by merit but only through the goodness of God [42] .

Chapter XIX. She continues the same subject, and begins to explain the
effects on the soul of this degree of prayer. She earnestly exhorts not to
turn back nor to give up prayer even if, after having received this favour,
one should fall. She shows the damage that would result (from the neglect of
this advice). This is most noteworthy and consoling for the weak and for
sinners.

Chapter XX. She speaks of the difference between Union and Trance, and
explains what a Trance is; she also says something about the good a soul
derives from being, through God's goodness, led so far. She speaks of the
effects of Union. [43]

Chapter XXI. She continues and concludes this last degree of prayer, and
says what a soul having reached it feels when obliged to turn back and live
in the world, and speaks of the light God gives concerning the deceits (of
the world). This is good doctrine.

Chapter XXII. In which she shows that the safest way for contemplatives is
not to lift up the spirit to high things but to wait for God to lift it up.
How the Sacred Humanity of Christ is the medium for the most exalted
contemplation. She mentions an error under which she laboured for some time.
This chapter is most profitable.

Chapter XXIII. She returns to the history of her life, how she began to
practise greater perfection. This is profitable for those who have to direct
souls practising prayer that they may know how to deal with beginners, and
she speaks of the profit she derived from such knowledge.

Chapter XXIV. She continues the same subject and tells how her soul improved
since she began to practise obedience, and how little she was able to resist
God's graces, and how His Majesty continued to give them more and more
abundantly.

Chapter XXV. Of the manner in which Locutions of God are perceived by the
soul without being actually heard; and of some deceits that might take place
in this matter, and how one is to know which is which. This is most
profitable for those who are in this degree of prayer, because it is very
well explained, and contains excellent doctrine.

Chapter XXVI. She continues the same subject; explains and tells things that
have happened to her which caused her to lose fear and convinced her that
the spirit which spoke to her was a good one.

Chapter XXVII. Of another way in which God teaches a soul, and, without
speaking, makes His Will known in an admirable manner. She goes on to
explain a vision, though not an imaginary one, and a great grace with which
God favoured her. This chapter is noteworthy.

Chapter XXVIII. She treats of the great favours God showed her, and how He
appeared to her for the first time; she explains what an imaginary vision
is, and speaks of the powerful effects it leaves and the signs whether it is
from God. This chapter is most profitable and noteworthy.

Chapter XXIX. She continues and tells of some great mercies God showed her,
and what His Majesty said to her in order to assure her (of the truth of
these visions), and taught her how to answer contradictors.

Chapter XXX. She continues the history of her life, and how God sent her a
remedy for all her anxieties by calling the holy Friar Fray Pedro de
Alcantara of the Order of the glorious St. Francis to the place where she
lived. She mentions some great temptations and interior trials through which
she sometimes had to pass.

Chapter XXXI. She speaks of some exterior temptations and apparitions of
Satan, and how he ill-treated her. She mentions, moreover, some very good
things by way of advice to persons who are walking on the way of perfection.

Chapter XXXII. She narrates how it pleased God to put her in spirit in that
place of Hell she had deserved by her sins. She tells a little [44] of what
she saw there compared with what there was besides. She begins to speak of
the manner and way of founding the convent of St. Joseph where she now
lives.

Chapter XXXIII. She continues the subject of the foundation of the glorious
St. Joseph. How she was commanded to have nothing (further) to do with it,
how she abandoned it, also the troubles it brought her and how God consoled
her in all this.

Chapter XXXIV. She shows how at that time it happened that she absented
herself from this place and how her Superior commanded her to go away at the
request of a very noble lady who was in great affliction. She begins to tell
what happened to her there, and the great grace God bestowed upon her in
determining through her instrumentality a person of distinction to serve Him
truly; and how that person found favour and help in her (Teresa). This is
noteworthy.

Chapter XXXV. Continuation of the foundation of this house of our glorious
Father St. Joseph; in what manner our Lord ordained that holy poverty should
be observed there; the reason why she left the lady with whom she had been
staying, and some other things that happened.

Chapter XXXVI. She continues the same subject, and shows how the foundation
of this convent of the glorious St. Joseph was finally accomplished, and the
great contradictions and persecutions she had to endure after the Religious
had taken the habit, and the great trials and temptations through which she
passed, and how God led her forth victorious to His own glory and praise.

Chapter XXXVII. Of the effects which remained when God granted her some
favour; together with other very good doctrine. She shows how one ought to
strive after and prize every increase in heavenly glory, and that for no
trouble whatever one should neglect a good that is to be perpetual.

Chapter XXXVIII. She treats of some great mercies God showed her, even
making known to her heavenly secrets by means of visions and revelations His
Majesty vouchsafed to grant her; she speaks of the effects they caused and
the great improvement resulting in her soul.

Chapter XXXIX. She continues the same subject, mentioning great graces
granted her by God; how He promised to hear her requests on behalf of
persons for whom she should pray. Some remarkable instances in which His
Majesty thus favoured her.

Chapter XL. Continuation of the same subject of great mercies God has shown
her. From some of these very good doctrine may be gathered, and this, as she
declares, was, besides compliance with obedience, her principal motive (in
writing this book), namely to enumerate such of these mercies as would be
instructive to souls. This chapter brings the history of her Life, written
by herself, to an end. May it be for the glory of God. Amen.
_________________________________________________________________

[39] St. Teresa wrote no title, either of the whole book or of the Preface,
but only the monogram J.H.S., which is repeated at the beginning of the
first chapter and at the end of the last, previous to the letter with which
the volume concludes.

[40] "El Señor" is everywhere translated by "God" in distinction to "Nuestro
Señor," "Our Lord."

[41] "In an excellent manner," scored through by the Saint herself.

[42] "To be read with great care, as it is explained in a most delicate way,
and contains many noteworthy points," also scored through by St. Teresa
herself.

[43] "This is most admirable," scored through by the Saint.

[44] "Una cifra," a mere nothing.
_________________________________________________________________

Preface by David Lewis.

St. Teresa was born in Avila on Wednesday, March 28, 1515. Her father was
Don Alfonso Sanchez de Cepeda, and her mother Doña Beatriz Davila y Ahumada.
The name she received in her baptism was common to both families, for her
great-grandmother on the father's side was Teresa Sanchez, and her
grandmother on her mother's side was Teresa de las Cuevas. While she
remained in the world, and even after she had become a nun in the monastery
of the Incarnation, which was under the mitigated rule, she was known as
Doña Teresa Sanchez Cepeda Davila y Ahumada; for in those days children took
the name either of the father or of the mother, as it pleased them. The two
families were noble, but that of Ahumada was no longer in possession of its
former wealth and power. [45] Doña Beatriz was the second wife of Don
Alfonso, and was related in the fourth degree to the first wife, as appears
from the dispensation granted to make the marriage valid on the 16th of
October, 1509. Of this marriage Teresa was the third child.

Doña Beatriz died young, and the eldest daughter, Maria de Cepeda, took
charge of her younger sisters they were two and was as a second mother to
them till her marriage, which took place in 1531, when the Saint was in her
sixteenth year. But as she was too young to be left in charge of her
father's house, and as her education was not finished, she was sent to the
Augustinian monastery, the nuns of which received young girls, and brought
them up in the fear of God. [46] The Saint's own account is that she was too
giddy and careless to be trusted at home, and that it was necessary to put
her under the care of those who would watch over her and correct her ways.
She remained a year and a half with the Augustinian nuns, and all the while
God was calling her to Himself. She was not willing to listen to His voice;
she would ask the nuns to pray for her that she might have light to see her
way; "but for all this," she writes, "I wished not to be a nun." [47] By
degrees her will yielded, and she had some inclination to become a religious
at the end of the eighteen months of her stay, but that was all. She became
ill; her father removed her, and the struggle within herself continued, on
the one hand, the voice of God calling her; on the other, herself labouring
to escape from her vocation.

At last, after a struggle which lasted three months, she made up her mind,
and against her inclination, to give up the world. She asked her father's
leave, and was refused. She besieged him through her friends, but to no
purpose. "The utmost I could get from him," she says, "was that I might do
as I pleased after his death." [48] How long this contest with her father
lasted is not known, but it is probable that it lasted many months, for the
Saint was always most careful of the feelings of others, and would certainly
have endured much rather than displease a father whom she loved so much, and
who also loved her more than his other children. [49]

But she had to forsake her father, and so she left her father's house by
stealth, taking with her one of her brothers, whom she had persuaded to give
himself to God in religion. The brother and sister set out early in the
morning, the former for the monastery of the Dominicans, and the latter for
the Carmelite monastery of the Incarnation, in Avila. The nuns received her
into the house, but sent word to her father of his child's escape. Don
Alfonso, however, yielded at once, and consented to the sacrifice which he
was compelled to make.

In the monastery of the Incarnation the Saint was led on, without her own
knowledge, to states of prayer so high, that she became alarmed about
herself. In the purity and simplicity of her soul, she feared that the
supernatural visitations of God might after all be nothing else but
delusions of Satan. [50] She was so humble, that she could not believe
graces so great could be given to a sinner like herself. The first person
she consulted in her trouble seems to have been a layman, related to her
family, Don Francisco de Salcedo. He was a married man, given to prayer, and
a diligent frequenter of the theological lectures in the monastery of the
Dominicans. Through him she obtained the help of a holy priest, Gaspar Daza,
to whom she made known the state of her soul. The priest, hindered by his
other labours, declined to be her director, and the Saint admits that she
could have made no progress under his guidance. [51] She now placed herself
in the hands of Don Francis, who encouraged her in every way, and, for the
purpose of helping her onwards in the way of perfection, told her of the
difficulties he himself had met with, and how by the grace of God he had
overcome them.

But when the Saint told him of the great graces which God bestowed upon her,
Don Francis became alarmed; he could not reconcile them with the life the
Saint was living, according to her own account. He never thought of doubting
the Saint's account, and did not suspect her of exaggerating her
imperfections in the depths of her humility: "he thought the evil spirit
might have something to do" with her, [52] and advised her to consider
carefully her way of prayer.

Don Francis now applied again to Gaspar Daza, and the two friends consulted
together; but, after much prayer on their part and on that of the Saint,
they came to the conclusion that she "was deluded by an evil spirit," and
recommended her to have recourse to the fathers of the Society of Jesus,
lately settled in Avila.

The Saint, now in great fear, but still hoping and trusting that God would
not suffer her to be deceived, made preparations for a general confession;
and committed to writing the whole story of her life, and made known the
state of her soul to F. Juan de Padranos, one of the fathers of the Society.
F. Juan understood it all, and comforted her by telling her that her way of
prayer was sound and the work of God. Under his direction she made great
progress, and for the further satisfaction of her confessor, and of Don
Francis, who seems to have still retained some of his doubts, she told
everything to St. Francis de Borja, who on one point changed the method of
direction observed by F. Juan. That father recommended her to resist the
supernatural visitations of the spirit as much as she could, but she was not
able, and the resistance pained her; [53] St. Francis told her she had done
enough, and that it was not right to prolong that resistance. [54]

The account of her life which she wrote before she applied to the Jesuits
for direction has not been preserved; but it is possible that it was made
more for her own security than for the purpose of being shown to
her confessor.

The next account is Relation I., made for St. Peter of Alcantara, and was
probably seen by many; for that Saint had to defend her, and maintain that
the state of her soul was the work of God, against those who thought that
she was deluded by Satan. Her own confessor was occasionally alarmed, and
had to consult others, and thus, by degrees, her state became known to many;
and there were some who, were so persuaded of her delusions, that they
wished her to be exorcised as one possessed of an evil spirit, [55] and at a
later time her friends were afraid that she might be denounced to
the Inquisitors. [56]

During the troubles that arose when it became known that the Saint was about
to found the monastery of St. Joseph, and therein establish the original
rule of her Order in its primitive simplicity and austerity, she went for
counsel to the Father Fra Pedro Ibañez, [57] the Dominican, a most holy and
learned priest. That father not only encouraged her, and commended her work,
but also ordered her to give him in writing the story of her spiritual life.
The Saint readily obeyed, and began it in the monastery of the Incarnation,
and finished it in the house of Doña Luisa de la Cerda, in Toledo, in the
month of June, 1562. On the 24th of August, the feast of St. Bartholomew, in
the same year, the Reform of the Carmelites began in the new monastery of
St. Joseph in Avila.

What the Saint wrote for Fra Ibañez has not been found. It is, no doubt,
substantially preserved in her Life, as we have it now, and is supposed to
have reached no further than the end of ch. xxxi. What follows was added by
direction of another Dominican father, confessor of the Saint in the new
monastery of St. Joseph, Fra Garcia of Toledo, who, in 1562, bade her "write
the history of that foundation, and other matters."

But as the Saint carried a heavy burden laid on her by God, a constant fear
of delusion, she had recourse about the same time to the Inquisitor Soto,
who advised her to write a history of her life, send it to Juan of Avila,
the "Apostle of Andalucia," and abide by his counsel. As the direction of
Fra Garcia of Toledo and the advice of the Inquisitor must have been given,
according to her account, about the same time, the Life, as we have it now,
must have occupied her nearly six years in the writing of it, which may well
be owing to her unceasing care in firmly establishing the new monastery of
St. Joseph. The book at last was sent to Blessed Juan of Avila by her friend
Doña Luisa de la Cerda, and that great master of the spiritual life wrote
the following censure of it:

"The grace and peace of Jesus Christ be with you always.

"1. When I undertook to read the book sent me, it was not so much because
I thought myself able to judge of it, as because I thought I might, by the
grace of our Lord, learn something from the teachings it contains: and
praised be Christ; for, though I have not been able to read it with the
leisure it requires, I have been comforted by it, and might have been
edified by it, if the fault had not been mine. And although, indeed, I may
have been comforted by it, without saying more, yet the respect due to the
subject and to the person who has sent it will not allow me, I think, to
let it go back without giving my opinion on it, at least in general.

"2. The book is not fit to be in the hands of everybody, for it is
necessary to correct the language in some places, and explain it in
others; and there are some things in it useful for your spiritual

life and not so for others who might adopt them, for the special ways by
which God leads some souls are not meant for others. These points, or the
greater number of them, I have marked for the purpose of arranging them
when I shall be able to do so, and I shall not fail to send them to you;
for if you were aware of my infirmities and necessary occupations, I
believe they would make you pity me rather than blame me for the omission.

"3. The doctrine of prayer is for the most part sound, and you may rely on
it, and observe it; and the raptures I find to possess the tests of those
which are true. What you say of God's way of teaching the soul, without
respect to the imagination and without interior locutions, is safe, and I
find nothing to object to it. St. Augustine speaks well of it.

"4. Interior locutions in these days have been a delusion of many, and
exterior locutions are the least safe. It is easy enough to see when they
proceed from ourselves, but to distinguish between those of a good and
those of an evil spirit is more difficult. There are many rules given for
finding out whether they come from our Lord or not, and one of them is,
that they should be sent us in a time of need, or for some good end, as
for the comforting a man under temptation or in doubt, or as a warning of
coming danger. As a good man will not speak unadvisedly, neither will God;
so, considering this, and that the locutions are agreeable to the holy
writings and the teaching of the Church, my opinion is that the locutions
mentioned in the book came from God.

"5. Imaginary or bodily visions are those which are most doubtful, and
should in no wise be desired, and if they come undesired still they should
be shunned as much as possible, yet not by treating them with contempt,
unless it be certain that they come from an evil spirit; indeed, I was
filled with horror, and greatly distressed, when I read of the gestures of
contempt that were made. [58] People ought to entreat our Lord not to lead
them by the way of visions, but to reserve for them in Heaven the blessed
vision of Himself and the saints, and to guide them here along the beaten
path as He guides His faithful servants, and they must take other good
measures for avoiding these visions.

"6. But if the visions continue after all this is done, and if the soul
derives good from them, and if they do not lead to vanity, but deeper
humility, and if the locutions be at one with the teaching the Church, and
if they continue for any time, and that with inward satisfaction better
felt than described there is no reason for avoiding them. But no one ought
to rely on his own judgment herein; he should make everything known to him
who can give him light. That is the universal remedy to be had recourse to
in such matters, together with hope in God, Who will not let a soul that
wishes to be safe lie under a delusion, if it be humble enough to yield
obedience to the opinion of others.

"7. Nor should any one cause alarm by condemning them forthwith, because
he sees that the person to whom they are granted is not perfect, for it is
nothing new that our Lord in His goodness makes wicked people just, yea,
even grievous sinners; by giving them to taste most deeply of His
sweetness. I have seen it so myself. Who will set bounds to the goodness
of our Lord? especially when these graces are given, not for merit, nor
because one is stronger; on the contrary, they are given to one because he
is weaker; and as they do not make one more holy, they are not always
given to the most holy.

"8. They are unreasonable who disbelieve these things merely because they
are most high things, and because it seems to them incredible that
infinite Majesty humbles Himself to these loving relations with one of His
creatures. It is written, God is love, and if He is love, then infinite
love and infinite goodness, and we must not be surprised if such a love
and such a goodness breaks out into such excesses of love as disturb those
who know nothing of it. And though many know of it by faith, still, as to
that special experience of the loving, and more than loving, converse of
God with whom He will, if not had, how deep it reaches can never be known;
and so I have seen many persons scandalized at hearing of what God in His
love does for His creatures. As they are themselves very far away from it,
they cannot think that God will do for others what He is not doing for
them. As this is an effect of love, and that a love which causes wonder,
reason requires we should look upon it as a sign of its being from God,
seeing that He is wonderful in His works, and most especially in those of
his compassion; but they take occasion from this to be distrustful, which
should have been a ground of confidence, when other circumstances combine
as evidences of these visitations being good.

"9. It seems from the book, I think, that you have resisted, and even
longer than was right. I think, too, that these locutions have done your
soul good, and in particular that they have made you see your own
wretchedness and your faults more clearly, and amend them. They have
lasted long, and always with spiritual profit. They move you to love God,
and to despise yourself, and to do penance. I see no reasons for
condemning them, I incline rather to regard them as good, provided you are
careful not to rely altogether on them, especially if they are unusual, or
bid you do something out of the way, or are not very plain. In all these
and the like cases you must withhold your belief in them, and at once seek
for direction.

"10. Also it should be considered that, even if they do come from God,
Satan may mix with them suggestions of his own; you should therefore be
always suspicious of them. Also, when they are known to be from God, men
must not rest much on them, seeing that holiness does not lie in them, but
in a humble love of God and our neighbour; everything else, however good,
must be feared, and our efforts directed to the gaining of humility,
goodness, and the love of our Lord. It is seemly, also, not to worship
what is seen in these visions, but only Jesus Christ, either as in Heaven
or in the Sacrament, or, if it be a vision of the Saints, then to lift up
the heart to the Holy One in Heaven, and not to that which is presented to
the imagination: let it suffice that the imagination may be made use of
for the purpose of raising me up to that which it makes me see.

"11. I say, too, that the things mentioned in this book befall other
persons even in this our day, and that there is great certainty that they
come from God, Whose arm is not shortened that He cannot do now what He
did in times past, and that in weak vessels, for His own glory.

"12. Go on your road, but always suspecting robbers, and asking for the
right way; give thanks to our Lord, Who has given you His love, the
knowledge of yourself, and a love of penance and the cross, making no
account of these other things. However, do not despise them either, for
there are signs that most of them come from our Lord, and those that do
not come from Him will not hurt you if you ask for direction.

"13. I cannot believe that I have written this in my own strength, for I
have none, but it is the effect of your prayers. I beg of you, for the
love of Jesus Christ our Lord, to burden yourself with a prayer for me; He
knows that I am asking this in great need, and I think that is enough to
make you grant my request. I ask your permission to stop now, for I am
bound to write another letter. May Jesus be glorified in all and by all!
Amen.

"Your servant, for Christ's sake.

"Juan de Avila

"Montilla, 12th Sept., 1568."

Her confessors, having seen the book, "commanded her to make copies of it,"
[59] one of which has been traced into the possession of the Duke and
Duchess of Alva.

The Princess of Eboli, in 1569, obtained a copy from the Saint herself,
after much importunity; but it was more out of vanity or curiosity, it is to
be feared, than from any real desire to learn the story of the Saint's
spiritual life, that the Princess desired the boon. She and her husband
promised to keep it from the knowledge of others, but the promise given was
not kept. The Saint heard within a few days later that the book was in the
hands of the servants of the Princess, who was angry with the Saint because
she had refused to admit, at the request of the Princess, an Augustinian nun
into the Order of Carmel in the new foundation of Pastrana. The contents of
the book were bruited abroad, and the visions and revelations of the Saint
were said to be of a like nature with those of Magdalene of the Cross, a
deluded and deluding nun. The gossip in the house of the Princess was
carried to Madrid, and the result was that the Inquisition began to make a
search for the book. [60] It is not quite clear, however, that it was seized
at this time.

The Princess became a widow in July, 1573, and insisted on becoming a
Carmelite nun in the house she and her husband, Ruy Gomez, had founded in
Pastrana. When the news of her resolve reached the monastery, the
mother-prioress, Isabel of St. Dominic, exclaimed, "The Princess a nun! I
look on the house as ruined." The Princess came, and insisted on her right
as foundress; she had compelled a friar to give her the habit before her
husband was buried, and when she came to Pastrana she began her religious
life by the most complete disobedience and disregard of common propriety.
Don Vicente's description of her is almost literally correct, though
intended only for a general summary of her most childish conduct:

"On the death of the Prince of Eboli, the Princess would become a nun in her
monastery of Pastrana. The first day she had a fit of violent fervour; on
the next she relaxed the rule; on the third she broke it, and conversed with
secular people within the cloisters. She was also so humble that she
required the nuns to speak to her on their knees, and insisted upon their
receiving into the house as religious whomsoever she pleased. Hereupon
complaints were made to St. Teresa, who remonstrated with the Princess, and
showed her how much she was in the wrong, whereupon she replied that the
monastery was hers; but the Saint proved to her that the nuns were not, and
had them removed to Segovia." [61]

The nuns were withdrawn from Pastrana in April, 1574, and then the anger of
the Princess prevailed; she sent the Life of the Saint, which she had still
in her possession, to the Inquisition, and denounced it as a book containing
visions, revelations, and dangerous doctrines, which the Inquisitors should
look into and examine: The book was forthwith given to theologians for
examination, and two Dominican friars, of whom Bañes was one, were delegated
censors of it by the Inquisition. [62]

Fra Bañes did not know the Saint when he undertook her defence in Avila
against the authorities of the city, eager to destroy the monastery of
St. Joseph; [63] but from that time forth he was one of her most faithful
friends, strict and even severe, as became a wise director who had a great
Saint for his penitent. He testifies in the process of her beatification
that he was firm and sharp with her; while she herself was the more desirous
of his counsel, the more he humbled her, and the less he appeared to esteem
her. [64] When he found that copies of her life were in the hands of secular
people, he had probably also heard of the misconduct of the Princess of
Eboli, he showed his displeasure to the Saint, and told her he would burn
the book, it being unseemly that the writings of women should be made
public. The Saint left it in his hands, but Fra Bañes, struck with her
humility, had not the courage to burn it; he sent it to the Holy Office in
Madrid. [65] Thus the book was in a sense denounced twice, once by an enemy,
the second time by a friend, to save it. Both the Saint and her confessor,
Fra Bañes, state that the copy given up by the latter was sent to the
Inquisition in Madrid, and Fra Bañes says so twice in his deposition. The
Inquisitor Soto returned the copy to Fra Bañes, desiring him to read it, and
give his opinion thereon. Fra Bañes did so, and wrote his "censure" of the
book on the blank leaves at the end. That censure still remains, and is one
of the most important, because given during the lifetime of the Saint, and
while many persons were crying out against her. Bañes wished it had been
published when the Saint's Life was given to the world by Fra Luis de Leon;
but notwithstanding its value, and its being preserved in the book which is
in the handwriting of the Saint, no one before Don Vicente made it known. It
was easy enough to praise the writings of St. Teresa, and to admit her
sanctity, after her death. Fra Bañes had no external help in the applause of
the many, and he had to judge the book as a theologian, and the Saint as one
of his ordinary penitents. When he wrote, he wrote like a man whose whole
life was spent, as he tells us himself, "in lecturing and disputing." [66]

That censure is as follows:

"1. This book, wherein Teresa of Jesus, Carmelite nun, and foundress of
the Barefooted Carmelites, gives a plain account of the state of her soul,
in order to be taught and directed by her confessors, has been examined by
me, and with much attention, and I have not found anywhere in it anything
which, in my opinion, is erroneous in doctrine. On the contrary, there are
many things in it highly edifying and instructive for those who give
themselves to prayer. The great experience of this religious, her
discretion also and her humility, which made her always seek for light and
learning in her confessors, enabled her to speak with an accuracy on the
subject of prayer that the most learned men, through their want of
experience, have not always attained to. One thing only there is about the
book that may reasonably cause any hesitation till it shall be very
carefully examined; it contains many visions and revelations, matters
always to be afraid of, especially in women, who are very ready to believe
of them that they come from God, and to look on them as proofs of
sanctity, though sanctity does not lie in them. On the contrary, they
should be regarded as dangerous trials for those who are aiming at
perfection, because Satan is wont to transform himself into an angel of
light, [67] and to deceive souls which are curious and of scant humility,
as we have seen in our day: nevertheless, we must not therefore lay down a
general rule that all revelations and visions come from the devil. If it
were so, St. Paul could not have said that Satan transforms himself into
an angel of light, if the angel of light did not sometimes enlighten us.

"2. Saints, both men and women, have had revelations, not only in ancient,
but also in modern times; such were St. Dominic, St. Francis, St. Vincent
Ferrer, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Gertrude, and many others that might
be named; and as the Church of God is, and is to be, always holy to the
end, not only because her profession is holiness, but because there are in
her just persons and perfect in holiness, it is unreasonable to despise
visions and revelations, and condemn them in one sweep, seeing they are
ordinarily accompanied with much goodness and a Christian life. On the
contrary, we should follow the saying of the Apostle in 1 Thess. v. 19“22:
'Spiritum nolite extinguere. Prophetias nolite spernere. Omnia [autem]
probate: quod bonum est tenete. Ab omni specie mala abstinete vos.' He who
will read St. Thomas on that passage will see how carefully they are to be
examined who, in the Church of God, manifest any particular gift that may
be profitable or hurtful to our neighbour, and how watchful the examiners
ought to be lest the fire of the Spirit of God should be quenched in the
good, and others cowed in the practices of the perfect Christian life.

"3. Judging by the revelations made to her, this woman, even though she
may be deceived in something, is at least not herself a deceiver, because
she tells all the good and the bad so simply, and with so great a wish to
be correct, that no doubt can be made as to her good intention; and the
greater the reason for trying spirits of this kind, because there are
persons in our day who are deceivers with the appearance of piety, the
more necessary it is to defend those who, with the appearance, have also
the reality, of piety. For it is a strange thing to see how lax and
worldly people delight in seeing those discredited who have an appearance
of goodness. God complained of old, by the Prophet Ezekiel, ch. xiii., of
those false prophets who made the just to mourn and who flattered sinners,
saying: 'Maerere fecistis cor justi mendaciter, quem Ego non contristavi:
et comfortastis manus impii.' In a certain sense this may be said of those
who frighten souls who are going on by the way of prayer and perfection,
telling them that this way is singular and full of danger, that many who
went by it have fallen into delusions, and that the safest way is that
which is plain and common, travelled by all.

"4. Words of this kind, clearly, sadden the hearts of those who would
observe the counsels of perfection in continual prayer, so far as it is
possible for them, and in much fasting, watching, and disciplines; and, on
the other hand, the lax and the wicked take courage and lose the fear of
God, because they consider the way on which they are travelling as the
safer: and this is their delusion, they call that a plain and safe road
which is the absence of the knowledge and consideration of the dangers and
precipices amidst which we are all of us journeying in this world.
Nevertheless, there is no other security than that which lies in our
knowing our daily enemies, and in humbly imploring the compassion of God,
if we would not be their prisoners. Besides, there are souls whom God, in
a way, constrains to enter on the way of perfection, and who, if they
relaxed in their fervour, could not keep a middle course, but would
immediately fall into the other extreme of sins, and for souls of this
kind it is of the utmost necessity that they should watch and pray without
ceasing; and, in short, there is nobody whom lukewarmness does not injure.
Let every man examine his own conscience, and he will find this to be the
truth.

"5. I firmly believe that if God for a time bears with the lukewarm, it is
owing to the prayers of the fervent, who are continually crying, 'et ne
nos inducas in tentationem.' I have said this, not for the purpose of
honouring those whom we see walking in the way of contemplation; for it is
another extreme into which the world falls, and a covert persecution of
goodness, to pronounce those holy forthwith who have the appearance of it.
For that would be to furnish them with motives for vain-glory, and would
do little honour to goodness; on the contrary, it would expose it to great
risks, because, when they fall who have been objects of praise, the honour
of goodness suffers more than if those people had not been so esteemed.
And so I look upon this exaggeration of their holiness who are still
living in the world to be a temptation of Satan. That we should have a
good opinion of the servants of God is most just, but let us consider them
always as people in danger, however good they may be, and that their
goodness is not so evident that we can be sure of it even now.

"6. Considering myself that what I have said is true, I have always
proceeded cautiously in the examination of this account of the prayer and
life of this nun, and no one has been more incredulous than myself as to
her visions and revelations, not so, however as to her goodness and her
good desires, for herein I have had great experience of her truthfulness,
her obedience, mortification, patience, and charity towards her
persecutors, and of her other virtues, which any one who will converse
with her will discern; and this is what may be regarded as a more certain
proof of her real love of God than these visions and revelations. I do
not, however, undervalue her visions, revelations, and ecstasies; on the
contrary, I suspect them to be the work of God, as they have been in
others who were Saints. But in this case it is always safer to be afraid
and wary; for if she is confident about them, Satan will take occasion to
interfere, and that which was once, perhaps, the work of God, may be
changed into something else, and that will be the devil's.

"7. I am of opinion that this book is not to be shown to every one, but
only to men of learning, experience, and Christian discretion. It
perfectly answers the purpose for which it was written, namely, that the
nun should give an account of the state of her soul to those who had the
charge of it, in order that she might not fall into delusions. Of one
thing I am very sure, so far as it is possible for a man to be, she is not
a deceiver; she deserves, therefore, for her sincerity, that all should be
favourable to her in her good purposes and good works. For within the last
thirteen years she has, I believe, founded a dozen monasteries of
Barefooted Carmelite nuns, the austerity and perfection of which are
exceeded by none other; of which they who have been visitors of them, as
the Dominican Provincial, master in theology, [68] Fra Pedro Fernandez,
the master Fra Hernando del Castillo, and many others, speak highly. This
is what I think, at present, concerning the censure of this book,
submitting my judgment herein to that of Holy Church our mother, and
her ministers.

"Given in the College of St. Gregory, Valladolid, on the sixth day of
July, 1575.

"Fra Domingo Bañes."

The book remained in the keeping of the Inquisition, and the Saint never saw
it again. But she heard of it from the Archbishop of Toledo, Cardinal
Quiroga, President of the Supreme Court of the Inquisition, when she applied
to him for license to found a monastery in Madrid. Jerome of the Mother of
God was with her; and heard the Cardinal's reply. His Eminence said he was
glad to see her; that a book of hers had been in the Holy Office for some
years, and had been rigorously examined; that he had read it himself, and
regarded it as containing sound and wholesome doctrine. He would grant the
license, and do whatever he could for the Saint. When she heard this, she
wished to present a petition to the Inquisition for the restitution of her
book; but Gratian thought it better to apply to the Duke of Alba for the
copy which he had, and which the Inquisitors had allowed him to retain and
read. The Duke gave his book to Fra Jerome, who had copies of it made for
the use of the monasteries both of men and women. [69]

Anne of Jesus, in 1586, founding a monastery of her Order in Madrid, the
Saint had died in 1582, made inquiries about the book, and applied to the
Inquisition for it, for she was resolved to publish the writings of her
spiritual mother. The Inquisitors made no difficulty, and consented to the
publication. In this she was seconded by the Empress Maria, daughter of
Charles V., and widow of Maximilian II., who had obtained one of the copies
which Fra Jerome of the Mother of God had ordered to be made. Fra Nicholas
Doria, then Provincial, asked Fra Luis de Leon, the Augustinian, to edit the
book, who consented. He was allowed to compare the copy furnished him with
the original in the keeping of the Inquisition; but his edition has not been
considered accurate, notwithstanding the facilities given him, and his great
reverence for the Saint. It was published in Salamanca, A.D. 1588.

With the Life of the Saint, Fra Luis de Leon received certain papers in the
handwriting of the Saint, which he published as an additional chapter.
Whether he printed all he received, or merely made extracts, may be
doubtful, but anyhow that chapter is singularly incomplete. Don Vicente de
la Fuente, from whose edition (Madrid, 1861, 1862) this translation has been
made, omitted the additional chapter of Fra Luis de Leon, contrary to the
practice of his predecessors. But he has done more, for he has traced the
paragraphs of that chapter to their sources, and has given us now a
collection of papers which form almost another Life of the Saint, to which
he has given their old name of Relations, [70] the name which the Saint
herself had given them. [71] Some of them are usually printed among the
Saint's letters, and portions of some of the others are found in the Lives
of the Saint written by Ribera and Yepes, and in the Chronicle of the Order;
the rest was published for the first time by Don Vicente: the arrangement of
the whole is due to him.

The Relations are ten in the Spanish edition, and eleven in the translation.
The last, the eleventh, has hitherto been left among the letters, and Don
Vicente, seemingly not without some hesitation, so left it; but as it is of
the like nature with the Relations, it has now been added to them.

The original text, in the handwriting of the Saint, is preserved in the
Escurial, not in the library, but among the relics of the Church. Don
Vicente examined it at his leisure, and afterwards found in the National
Library in Madrid an authentic and exact transcript of it, made by order of
Ferdinand VI. His edition is, therefore, far better than any of its
predecessors; but it is possible that even now there may still remain some
verbal errors for future editors to correct. The most conscientious
diligence is not a safeguard against mistakes. F. Bouix says that in ch.
xxxiv.§ 12, the reading of the original differs from that of the printed
editions; yet Don Vicente takes no notice of it, and retains the common
reading. It is impossible to believe that F. Bouix has stated as a fact that
which is not. Again, in [97]ch. xxxix.§ 29, the printed editions have after
the words, "Thou art Mine, and I am thine," "I am in the habit . . . .
sincerity;" but Don Vicente omits them. This may have been an oversight, for
in general he points out in his notes all the discrepancies between the
printed editions and the original text.

A new translation of the Life of St. Teresa seems called for now, because
the original text has been collated since the previous translations were
made, and also because those translations are exceedingly scarce. The first
is believed to be this it is a small quarto:

"The Lyf of the Mother Teresa of Jesus, Foundresse of the Monasteries of the
Discalced or Bare-footed Carmelite Nunnes and Fryers of the First Rule.

"Written by herself at the commaundement of her ghostly father, and now
translated into English out of Spanish. By W. M., of the Society of Jesus.

"Imprinted in Antwerp by Henry Jaye. Anno MDCXI."

Some thirty years afterwards, Sir Tobias Matthew, S.J., dissatisfied, as he
says, with the former translation, published another, with the following
title; the volume is a small octavo in form:

"The Flaming Hart, or the Life of the glorious St. Teresa, Foundresse of the
Reformation of the Order of the All-Immaculate Virgin Mother, our B. Lady of
Mount Carmel.

"This History of her Life was written by the Saint in Spanish, and is newly
translated into English in the year of our Lord God 1642.

'Aut mori aut pati:

Either to dye or else to suffer.' Chap. xl.

"Antwerpe, printed by Joannes Meursius. Anno MDCXLII."

The next translation was made by Abraham Woodhead, and published in 1671,
without the name of the translator, or of the printer, or of the place of
publication. It is in quarto, and bears the following title:

"The Life of the Holy Mother St. Teresa, Foundress of the Reformation of the
Discalced Carmelites according to the Primitive Rule. Printed in the year
MDCLXXI."

It is not said that the translation was made from the Spanish, and there are
grounds for thinking it to have been made from the Italian. Ch. xxxii. is
broken off at the end of§ 10; and ch. xxxiii., therefore, is ch. xxxvii.
That which is there omitted has been thrown into the Book of the
Foundations, which, in the translation of Mr. Woodhead, begins with§ 11 of
ch. xxxii. of the Life, as it also does in the Italian translation. It is
due, however, to Mr. Woodhead to say that he has printed five of the
Relations separately, not as letters, but as what they really are, and with
that designation.

The last translation is that of the Very Reverend John Dalton, Canon of
Northampton, which is now, though twice published, almost as scarce as its
predecessors. The title is:

"The Life of St. Teresa, written by herself, and translated from the Spanish
by the Rev. John Dalton. London, MDCCCLI."

Septuagesima, 1870.
_________________________________________________________________

[45] Fr. Anton. a St. Joseph, in his note on letter 16, but letter 41, vol.
iv. ed. Doblado.

[46] Reforma de los Descalços. lib. i. ch. vii.§ 3.

[47] [98]Ch. iii.§ 2.

[48] [99]Ch. iii.§ 9.

[49] [100]Ch. i.§ 3.

[50] [101]Ch. xxiii.§ 2.

[51] [102]Ch. xxiii.§ 8.

[52] [103]Id.§ 12.

[53] [104]Ch. xxiv.§ 1.

[54] [105]Id.§ 4.

[55] [106]Ch. xxix.§ 4.

[56] [107]Ch. xxxiii.§ 6.

[57] The Saint held him in great reverence, and in one of her letters lett.
355, but lett. 100, vol. ii. ed. Doblado calls him a founder of her Order,
because of the great services he had rendered her, and told her nuns of
Seville that they need not be veiled in his presence, though they must be so
in the presence of everybody else, and even the friars of the Reform.

[58] See [108]Life, ch. xxix.§ 6.

[59] [109]Rel. vii.§ 9.

[60] Reforma de los Descalços, lib. ii. c. xxviii.§ 6.

[61] Introduccion al libro de la Vida, vol. i. p. 3.

[62] Jerome Gratian, Lucidario, c. iv.

[63] [110]Life, ch. xxxvi.§ 15.

[64] The Saint says of herself, [111]Rel. vii.§ 18, that "she took the
greatest pains not to submit the state of her soul to any one who she
thought would believe that these things came from God, for she was instantly
afraid that the devil would deceive them both."

[65] [112]Rel. vii.§ 16.

[66] "Como hombre criado toda mi vida en leer y disputar" (De la Fuente, ii.
p. 376).

[67] 2 Cor. xi. 14: "Ipse enim Satanas transfigurat se in angelum lucis."

[68] The other theologian appointed by the Inquisition, with Fra Bañes, to
examine the "Life."

[69] This took place in the year 1580, according to the Chronicler of the
Order (Reforma de los Descalços, lib. v. c. xxxv.§ 4); and the Bollandists
(n. 1536) accept his statement. Fra Jerome says he was Provincial of his
Order at the time; and as he was elected only on the 4th of March, 1581,
according to the Chronicler and the Bollandists, it is more likely that the
audience granted to them by the Cardinal took place in 1581.

[70] Reforma de los Descalços, lib. v. c. xxxiv.§ 4: "Relaciones de su
espiritu."

[71] [113]Rel. ii.§ 18.
_________________________________________________________________

Annals of the Saint's Life.

By Don Vicente de la Fuente.

These are substantially the same with those drawn up by the Bollandists, but
they are fuller and more minute, and furnish a more detailed history of
the Saint.

1515.
St. Teresa is born in Avila, March 28th. [72]

1522.
She desires martyrdom, and leaves her father's house with one of her
brothers.

1527. [73]
Death of her mother.

1529.
Writes romances of chivalry, and is misled by a thoughtless cousin.

1531.
Her sister Maria's marriage, and her removal from home to the
Augustinian monastery, where she remains till the autumn of next
year.

1533. [74]
Nov. 2, enters the monastery of the Incarnation.

1534.
Nov. 3, makes her profession.

1535.
Goes to Castellanos de la Cañada, to her sister's house, where she
remains till the spring of 1536, when she goes to Bezadas.

1537.
Returns to Avila on Palm Sunday. In July seriously ill, and in a
trance for four days, when in her father's house. Paralysed for more
than two years.

1539.
Is cured of her paralysis by St. Joseph.

1541.
Begins to grow lukewarm, and gives up mental prayer.

1542.
Our Lord appears to her in the parlour of the monastery, "stern and
grave " [75] .

1555.
Ceases to converse with secular people, moved thereto by the sight of
a picture of our Lord on the cross [76] . The Jesuits come to Avila
and the Saint confesses to F. Juan de Padranos.

1556.
Beginning of the supernatural visitations.

1557.
St. Francis de Borja comes to Avila, and approves of the spirit of
the Saint.

1558.
First rapture of the Saint [77] . The vision of Hell [78] . Father
Alvarez ordained priest.

1559.
She takes F. Alvarez for her confessor. The transpiercing of her
heart [79] . Vision of our Lord risen from the dead [80] .

1560.
The vow of greater perfection. St. Peter of Alcantara approves of her
spirit, and St. Luis Beltran encourages her to proceed with her plan
of founding a new monastery.

1561.
F. Gaspar de Salazar, S.J., comes to Avila; her sister Doña Juana
comes to Avila from Alba de Tormes to help the Saint in the new
foundation [81] . Restores her nephew to Life [82] . Fra Ibañez bids
her write her Life. Receives a sum of money from her brother in Peru,
which enables her to go on with the building of the new house.

1562.
Goes to Toledo, to the house of Doña Luisa de la Cerda, and finishes
the account of her Life. Makes the acquaintance of Fra Bañes,
afterwards her principal director, and Fra Garcia of Toledo, both
Dominicans. Receives a visit from

Maria of Jesus. Has a revelation that her sister, Doña Maria, will
die suddenly [83] . Returns to Avila and takes possession of the new
monastery, August 24. Troubles in Avila. The Saint ordered back to
the monastery of the Incarnation. Is commanded by Fra Garcia of
Toledo to write the history of the foundation of St. Joseph.
_________________________________________________________________

[72] In the same year St. Philip was born in Florence. St. Teresa died in
1582, and St. Philip in 1595; but they were canonised on the same day, with
St. Isidore, St. Ignatius, and St. Francis Xavier. The three latter were
joined together in the three final consistories held before the solemn
proclamation of their sanctity, and St. Teresa and St. Philip were joined
together in the same way in the final consistories held specially, as usual,
for them.

[73] This must be an error. See [114]ch. i.§ 7, note 7.

[74] There is a difficulty about this. The Bollandists maintain that she
went to the monastery of the Incarnation in the year 1533. On the other hand
Ribera, her most accurate biographer with whom Fra Jerome agrees, says that
she left her father's house in 1535, when she was more than twenty years of
age; Yepes, that she was not yet twenty; and the Second Relation of the
Rota, that she was in her twentieth year. The Bull of Canonisation and the
Office in the Breviary also say that she was in her twentieth year, that is,
A.D. 1534. The Chronicler of the Order differs from all and assigns the year
1536 as the year in which she entered the monastery.

[75] Ch. vii.§ 11, see note there.

[76] Ch. ix.§ 1.

[77] Ch. xxiv.§ 7.

[78] Ch. xxxii.§ 1.

[79] Ch. xxix.§ 17.

[80] Ch. xxvii.§ 3, ch. xxviii.§ 2.

[81] Ch. xxxiii.§ 13.

[82] Ch. xxxv.§ 14, note.

[83] Ch. xxxiv.§ 24.
_________________________________________________________________

The Life
of the
Holy Mother Teresa of Jesus.

Written by Herself.
_________________________________________________________________

Prologue.

As I have been commanded and left at liberty to describe at length my way of
prayer, and the workings of the grace of our Lord within me, I could wish
that I had been allowed at the same time to speak distinctly and in detail
of my grievous sins and wicked life. But it has not been so willed; on the
contrary, I am laid herein under great restraint; and therefore, for the
love of our Lord, I beg of every one who shall read this story of my life
[84] to keep in mind how wicked it has been; and how, among the Saints who
were converted to God, I have never found one in whom I can have any
comfort. For I see that they, after our Lord had called them, never fell
into sin again; I not only became worse, but, as it seems to me,
deliberately withstood the graces of His Majesty, because I saw that I was
thereby bound to serve Him more earnestly, knowing, at the same time, that
of myself I could not pay the least portion of my debt.

May He be blessed for ever Who waited for me so long! I implore Him with my
whole heart to send me His grace, so that in all clearness and truth I may
give this account of myself which my confessors command me to give; and even
our Lord Himself, I know it, has also willed it should be given for some
time past, but I had not the courage to attempt it. And I pray it may be to
His praise and glory, and a help to my confessors; who, knowing me better,
may succour my weakness, so that I may render to our Lord some portion of
the service I owe Him. May all creatures praise Him for ever! Amen.
_________________________________________________________________

[84] The Saint, in a letter written November 19, 1581, to Don Pedro de
Castro, then canon of Avila, speaking of this book, calls it the book "Of
the compassions of God" Y ansi intitule ese libro De las Misericordias de
Dios. That letter is the 358th in the edition of Don Vicente de la Fuente,
and the 8th of the fourth volume of the Doblado edition of Madrid. "Vitam
igitur suam internam et supernaturalem magis pandit quam narrat actiones
suas mere humanas" (Bollandists, n. 2).
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter I.

Childhood and Early Impressions. The Blessing of Pious Parents. Desire of
Martyrdom. Death of the Saint's Mother.

1. I had a father and mother, who were devout and feared God. Our Lord also
helped me with His grace. All this would have been enough to make me good,
if I had not been so wicked. My father was very much given to the reading of
good books; and so he had them in Spanish, that his children might read
them. These books, with my mother's carefulness to make us say our prayers,
and to bring us up devout to our Lady and to certain Saints, began to make
me think seriously when I was, I believe, six or seven years old. It helped
me, too, that I never saw my father and mother respect anything but
goodness. They were very good themselves. My father was a man of great
charity towards the poor, and compassion for the sick, and also for
servants; so much so, that he never could be persuaded to keep slaves, for
he pitied them so much: and a slave belonging to one of his brothers being
once in his house, was treated by him with as much tenderness as his own
children. He used to say that he could not endure the pain of seeing that
she was not free. He was a man of great truthfulness; nobody ever heard him
swear or speak ill of any one; his life was most pure.

2. My mother also was a woman of great goodness, and her life was spent in
great infirmities. She was singularly pure in all her ways. Though
possessing great beauty, yet was it never known that she gave reason to
suspect that she made any account whatever of it; for, though she was only
three-and-thirty years of age when she died, her apparel was already that of
a woman advanced in years. She was very calm, and had great sense. The
sufferings she went through during her life were grievous, her death
most Christian. [85]

3. We were three sisters and nine brothers. [86] All, by the mercy of God,
resembled their parents in goodness except myself, though I was the most
cherished of my father. And, before I began to offend God, I think he had
some reason, for I am filled with sorrow whenever I think of the good
desires with which our Lord inspired me, and what a wretched use I made of
them. Besides, my brothers never in any way hindered me in the service of
God.

4. One of my brothers was nearly of my own age; [87] and he it was whom I
most loved, though I was very fond of them all, and they of me. He and I
used to read Lives of Saints together. When I read of martyrdom undergone by
the Saints for the love of God, it struck me that the vision of God was very
cheaply purchased; and I had a great desire to die a martyr's death, not out
of any love of Him of which I was conscious, but that I might most quickly
attain to the fruition of those great joys of which I read that they were
reserved in Heaven; and I used to discuss with my brother how we could
become martyrs. We settled to go together to the country of the Moors, [88]
begging our way for the love of God, that we might be there beheaded; [89]
and our Lord, I believe, had given us courage enough, even at so tender an
age, if we could have found the means to proceed; but our greatest
difficulty seemed to be our father and mother.

5. It astonished us greatly to find it said in what we were reading that
pain and bliss were everlasting. We happened very often to talk about this;
and we had a pleasure in repeating frequently, "For ever, ever, ever."
Through the constant uttering of these words, our Lord was pleased that I
should receive an abiding impression of the way of truth when I was yet a
child.

6. As soon as I saw it was impossible to go to any place where people would
put me to death for the sake of God, my brother and I set about becoming
hermits; and in an orchard belonging to the house we contrived, as well as
we could, to build hermitages, by piling up small stones one on the other,
which fell down immediately; and so it came to pass that we found no means
of accomplishing our wish. Even now, I have a feeling of devotion when I
consider how God gave me in my early youth what I lost by my own fault. I
gave alms as I could and I could but little. I contrived to be alone, for
the sake of saying my prayers [90] and they were many especially the
Rosary, to which my mother had a great devotion, and had made us also in
this like herself. I used to delight exceedingly, when playing with other
children, in the building of monasteries, as if we were nuns; and I think I
wished to be a nun, though not so much as I did to be a martyr or a hermit.

7. I remember that, when my mother died, [91] I was about twelve years
old a little less. When I began to understand my loss, I went in my
affliction to an image of our Lady, [92] and with many tears implored her to
be my mother. I did this in my simplicity, and I believe that it was of
service to me; for I have by experience found the royal Virgin help me
whenever I recommended myself to her; and at last she has brought me back to
herself. It distresses me now, when I think of, and reflect on, that which
kept me from being earnest in the good desires with which I began.

8. O my Lord, since Thou art determined to save me may it be the pleasure of
Thy Majesty to effect it! and to bestow upon me so many graces, why has it
not been Thy pleasure also not for my advantage, but for Thy greater
honour that this habitation, wherein Thou hast continually to dwell, should
not have contracted so much defilement? It distresses me even to say this, O
my Lord, because I know the fault is all my own, seeing that Thou hast left
nothing undone to make me, even from my youth, wholly Thine. When I would
complain of my parents, I cannot do it; for I saw nothing in them but all
good, and carefulness for my welfare. Then, growing up, I began to discover
the natural gifts which our Lord had given me they were said to be many;
and, when I should have given Him thanks for them, I made use of every one
of them, as I shall now explain, to offend Him.
_________________________________________________________________

[85] See [115]ch. xxxvii.§ 1; where the Saint says that she saw them in a
vision both in Heaven.

[86] Alfonso Sanchez de Cepeda, father of the Saint, married first Catalina
del Peso y Henao, and had three children one daughter, Maria de Cepeda, and
two sons. After the death of Catalina, he married Beatriz Davila y Ahumada,
by whom he had nine children seven boys and two girls. The third of these,
and the eldest of the daughters, was the Saint, Doña Teresa Sanchez Cepeda
Davila y Ahumada. In the Monastery of the Incarnation, where she was a
professed nun for twenty-eight years, she was known as Doña Teresa; but in
the year 1563, when she left her monastery for the new foundation of St.
Joseph, of the Reform of the Carmelites, she took for the first time the
name of Teresa of Jesus (De la Fuente). The Saint was born March 28, 1515,
and baptized on the 4th of April, in the church of St. John; on which day
Mass was said for the first time in the Monastery of the Incarnation, where
the Saint made her profession. Her godfather was Vela Nuñez, and her
godmother Doña Maria del Aguila. The Bollandists and Father Bouix say that
she was baptized on the very day of her birth. But the testimony of Doña
Maria de Pinel, a nun in the Monastery of the Incarnation, is clear: and Don
Vicente de La Fuente, quoting it, vol. i. p. 549, says that this delay of
baptism was nothing singular in those days, provided there was no danger of
death.

[87] Rodrigo de Cepeda, four years older than the Saint, entered the army,
and, serving in South America, was drowned in the river Plate, Rio de la
Plata. St. Teresa always considered him a martyr, because he died in defence
of the Catholic faith (Ribera, lib. i. ch. iii.). Before he sailed for the
Indies, he made his will, and left all his property to the Saint, his sister
(Reforma de los Descalços, vol. i. lib. i. ch. iii.§ 4).

[88] The Bollandists incline to believe that St. Teresa may not have
intended to quit Spain, because all the Moors were not at that time driven
out of the country. The Bull of the Saint's canonization, and the Lections
of the Breviary, say that she left her father's house, ut in
Africam trajiceret.

[89] The two children set out on their strange journey one of them seven,
the other eleven, years old through the Adaja Gate; but when they had
crossed the bridge, they were met by one of their uncles, who brought them
back to their mother, who had already sent through Avila in quest of them.
Rodrigo, like Adam, excused himself, and laid the blame on the woman
(Ribera, lib. i. ch. iii.). Francisco de Santa Maria, chronicler of the
Order, says that the uncle was Francisco Alvarez de Cepeda (Reforma de los
Descalços, lib. i. ch. v.§ 4).

[90] She was also marvellously touched by the story of the Samaritan woman
at the well, of whom there was a picture in her room (Ribera, lib. i. ch.
iv.). She speaks of this later on. (See [116]ch. xxx.§ 24.)

[91] The last will and testament of Doña Beatriz de Ahumada was made
November 24, 1528 and she may have died soon after. If there be no mistake
in the copy of that instrument, the Saint must have been more than twelve
years old at that time. Don Vicente, in a note, says, with the Bollandists,
that Doña Beatriz died at the end of the year 1526, or in the beginning of
1527; but it is probable that, when he wrote that note, he had not read the
copy of the will, which he has printed in the first volume of the Saint's
writings, p. 550.

[92] Our Lady of Charity, in the church of the hospital where the poor and
pilgrims were received in Avila (Bouix).
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter II.

Early Impressions. Dangerous Books and Companions. The Saint Is Placed in
a Monastery.

1. What I shall now speak of was, I believe, the beginning of great harm to
me. I often think how wrong it is of parents not to be very careful that
their children should always, and in every way, see only that which is good;
for though my mother was, as I have just said, so good herself, nevertheless
I, when I came to the use of reason, did not derive so much good from her as
I ought to have done almost none at all; and the evil I learned did me much
harm. She was very fond of books of chivalry; but this pastime did not hurt
her so much as it hurt me, because she never wasted her time on them; only
we, her children, were left at liberty to read them; and perhaps she did
this to distract her thoughts from her great sufferings, and occupy her
children, that they might not go astray in other ways. It annoyed my father
so much, that we had to be careful he never saw us. I contracted a habit of
reading these books; and this little fault which I observed in my mother was
the beginning of lukewarmness in my good desires, and the occasion of my
falling away in other respects. I thought there was no harm in it when I
wasted many hours night and day in so vain an occupation, even when I kept
it a secret from my father. So completely was I mastered by this passion,
that I thought I could never be happy without a new book.

2. I began to make much of dress, to wish to please others by my appearance.
I took pains with my hands and my hair, used perfumes, and all vanities
within my reach and they were many, for I was very much given to them. I had
no evil intention, because I never wished any one to offend God for me. This
fastidiousness of excessive neatness [93] lasted some years; and so also did
other practices, which I thought then were not at all sinful; now, I see how
wrong all this must have been.

3. I had some cousins; for into my father's house no others were allowed an
entrance. In this he was very cautious; and would to God he had been
cautious about them! for I see now the danger of conversing, at an age when
virtue should begin to grow, with persons who, knowing nothing themselves of
the vanity of the world, provoke others to throw themselves into the midst
of it. These cousins were nearly of mine own age a little older, perhaps. We
were always together; and they had a great affection for me. In everything
that gave them pleasure, I kept the conversation alive, listened to the
stories of their affections and childish follies, good for nothing; and,
what was still worse, my soul began to give itself up to that which was the
cause of all its disorders. If I were to give advice, I would say to parents
that they ought to be very careful whom they allow to mix with their
children when young; for much mischief thence ensues, and our natural
inclinations are unto evil rather than unto good.

4. So it was with me; for I had a sister much older than myself, [94] from
whose modesty and goodness, which were great, I learned nothing; and learned
every evil from a relative who was often in the house. She was so light and
frivolous, that my mother took great pains to keep her out of the house, as
if she foresaw the evil I should learn from her; but she could not succeed,
there being so many reasons for her coming. I was very fond of this person's
company, gossiped and talked with her; for she helped me in all the
amusements I liked, and, what is more, found some for me, and communicated
to me her own conversations and her vanities. Until I knew her, I mean,
until she became friendly with me, and communicated to me her own affairs I
was then about fourteen years old, a little more, I think I do not believe
that I turned away from God in mortal sin, or lost the fear of Him, though I
had a greater fear of disgrace. This latter fear had such sway over me, that
I never wholly forfeited my good name and, as to that, there was nothing in
the world for which I would have bartered it, and nobody in the world I
liked well enough who could have persuaded me to do it. Thus I might have
had the strength never to do anything against the honour of God, as I had it
by nature not to fail in that wherein I thought the honour of the world
consisted; and I never observed that I was failing in many other ways. In
vainly seeking after it I was extremely careful; but in the use of the means
necessary for preserving it I was utterly careless. I was anxious only not
to be lost altogether.

5. This friendship distressed my father and sister exceedingly. They often
blamed me for it; but, as they could not hinder that person from coming into
the house, all their efforts were in vain; for I was very adroit in doing
anything that was wrong. Now and then, I am amazed at the evil one bad
companion can do, nor could I believe it if I did not know it by
experience, especially when we are young: then is it that the evil must be
greatest. Oh, that parents would take warning by me, and look carefully to
this! So it was; the conversation of this person so changed me, that no
trace was left of my soul's natural disposition to virtue, and I became a
reflection of her and of another who was given to the same kind of
amusements.

6. I know from this the great advantage of good companions; and I am certain
that if at that tender age I had been thrown among good people, I should
have persevered in virtue; for if at that time I had found any one to teach
me the fear of God, my soul would have grown strong enough not to fall away.
Afterwards, when the fear of God had utterly departed from me, the fear of
dishonour alone remained, and was a torment to me in all I did. When I
thought that nobody would ever know, I ventured upon many things that were
neither honourable nor pleasing unto God.

7. In the beginning, these conversations did me harm I believe so. The fault
was perhaps not hers, but mine; for afterwards my own wickedness was enough
to lead me astray, together with the servants about me, whom I found ready
enough for all evil. If any one of these had given me good advice, I might
perhaps have profited by it; but they were blinded by interest, as I was by
passion. Still, I was never inclined to much evil, for I hated naturally
anything dishonourable, but only to the amusement of a pleasant
conversation. The occasion of sin, however, being present, danger was at
hand, and I exposed to it my father and brothers. God delivered me out of it
all, so that I should not be lost, in a manner visibly against my will, yet
not so secretly as to allow me to escape without the loss of my good name
and the suspicions of my father.

8. I had not spent, I think, three months in these vanities, when they took
me to a monastery [95] in the city where I lived, in which children like
myself were brought up, though their way of life was not so wicked as mine.
This was done with the utmost concealment of the true reason, which was
known only to myself and one of my kindred. They waited for an opportunity
which would make the change seem nothing out of the way; for, as my sister
was married, it was not fitting I should remain alone, without a mother, in
the house.

9. So excessive was my father's love for me, and so deep my dissembling,
that he never would believe me to be so wicked as I was; and hence I was
never in disgrace with him. Though some remarks were made, yet, as the time
had been short, nothing could be positively asserted; and, as I was so much
afraid about my good name, I had taken every care to be secret; and yet I
never considered that I could conceal nothing from Him Who seeth all things.
O my God, what evil is done in the world by disregarding this, and thinking
that anything can be kept secret that is done against Thee! I am quite
certain that great evils would be avoided if we clearly understood that what
we have to do is, not to be on our guard against men, but on our guard
against displeasing Thee.

10. For the first eight days, I suffered much; but more from the suspicion
that my vanity was known, than from being in the monastery; for I was
already weary of myself and, though I offended God, I never ceased to have a
great fear of Him, and contrived to go to confession as quickly as I could.
I was very uncomfortable; but within eight days, I think sooner, I was much
more contented than I had been in my father's house. All the nuns were
pleased with me; for our Lord had given me the grace to please every one,
wherever I might be. I was therefore made much of in the monastery. Though
at this time I hated to be a nun, yet I was delighted at the sight of nuns
so good; for they were very good in that house very prudent, observant of
the rule, and recollected.

11. Yet, for all this, the devil did not cease to tempt me; and people in
the world sought means to trouble my rest with messages and presents. As
this could not be allowed, it was soon over, and my soul began to return to
the good habits of my earlier years; and I recognized the great mercy of God
to those whom He places among good people. It seems as if His Majesty had
sought and sought again how to convert me to Himself. Blessed be Thou, O
Lord, for having borne with me so long! Amen.

12. Were it not for my many faults, there was some excuse for me, I think,
in this: that the conversation I shared in was with one who, I thought,
would do well in the estate of matrimony; [96] and I was told by my
confessors, and others also, whom in many points I consulted, used to say,
that I was not offending God. One of the nuns [97] slept with us who were
seculars, and through her it pleased our Lord to give me light, as I shall
now explain.
_________________________________________________________________

[93] The Saint throughout her life was extremely careful of cleanliness. In
one of her letters to Father Jerome Gratian of the Mother of God (No. 323,
Letter 28, vol. iii. ed. Doblado), she begs him, for the love of God, to see
that the Fathers had clean cells and table; and the Ven. Mother Anne of St.
Bartholomew, in her life (Bruxelles, 1708, p. 40), says that she changed the
Saint's linen on the day of her death, and was thanked by her for her
carefulness. "Her soul was so pure," says the Ven. Mother, "that she could
not bear anything that was not clean."

[94] Maria de Cepeda, half-sister of the Saint. She was married to Don
Martin de Guzman y Barrientos; and the contract for the dowry was signed
January 11, 1531 (Reforma de los Descalços lib. i. ch. vii.§ 4).

[95] The Augustinian Monastery of Our Lady of Grace. It was founded in 1509
by the venerable Fra Juan of Seville, Vicar-General of the Order (Reforma de
los Descalços lib. i. ch. vii. n. 2). There were forty nuns in the house at
this time (De la Fuente).

[96] Some have said that the Saint at this time intended, or wished, to be
married; and Father Bouix translates the passage thus: "une alliance
honorable pour moi." But it is more probable that the Saint had listened
only to the story of her cousin's intended marriage; for in [117]ch. v.§
11, she says that our Lord had always kept her from seeking to be loved of
men.

[97] Doña Maria Brizeño, mistress of the secular children who were educated
in the monastery (Reforma, lib. i. ch. vii.§ 3).
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter III.

The Blessing of Being with Good People. How Certain Illusions Were Removed.

1. I began gradually to like the good and holy conversation of this nun. How
well she used to speak of God! for she was a person of great discretion and
sanctity. I listened to her with delight. I think there never was a time
when I was not glad to listen to her. She began by telling me how she came
to be a nun through the mere reading of the words of the Gospel "Many are
called, and few are chosen." [98] She would speak of the reward which our
Lord gives to those who forsake all things for His sake. This good
companionship began to root out the habits which bad companionship had
formed, and to bring my thoughts back to the desire of eternal things, as
well as to banish in some measure the great dislike I had to be a nun, which
had been very great; and if I saw any one weep in prayer, or devout in any
other way, I envied her very much; for my heart was now so hard, that I
could not shed a tear, even if I read the Passion through. This was a grief
to me.

2. I remained in the monastery a year and a half, and was very much the
better for it. I began to say many vocal prayers, and to ask all the nuns to
pray for me, that God would place me in that state wherein I was to serve
Him; but, for all this, I wished not to be a nun, and that God would not be
pleased I should be one, though at the same time I was afraid of marriage.
At the end of my stay there, I had a greater inclination to be a nun, yet
not in that house, on account of certain devotional practices which I
understood prevailed there, and which I thought overstrained. Some of the
younger ones encouraged me in this my wish; and if all had been of one mind,
I might have profited by it. I had also a great friend [99] in another
monastery; and this made me resolve, if I was to be a nun, not to be one in
any other house than where she was. I looked more to the pleasure of sense
and vanity than to the good of my soul. These good thoughts of being a nun
came to me from time to time. They left me very soon; and I could not
persuade myself to become one.

3. At this time, though I was not careless about my own good, our Lord was
much more careful to dispose me for that state of life which was best for
me. He sent me a serious illness, so that I was obliged to return to my
father's house.

4. When I became well again, they took me to see my sister [100] in her
house in the country village where she dwelt. Her love for me was so great,
that, if she had had her will, I should never have left her. Her husband
also had a great affection for me at least, he showed me all kindness. This
too I owe rather to our Lord, for I have received kindness everywhere; and
all my service in return is, that I am what I am.

5. On the road lived a brother of my father [101] a prudent and most
excellent man, then a widower. Him too our Lord was preparing for Himself.
In his old age, he left all his possessions and became a religious. He so
finished his course, that I believe him to have the vision of God. He would
have me stay with him some days. His practice was to read good books in
Spanish; and his ordinary conversation was about God and the vanity of the
world. These books he made me read to him; and, though I did not much like
them, I appeared as if I did; for in giving pleasure to others I have been
most particular, though it might be painful to myself so much so, that what
in others might have been a virtue was in me a great fault, because I was
often extremely indiscreet. O my God, in how many ways did His Majesty
prepare me for the state wherein it was His will I should serve Him! how,
against my own will, He constrained me to do violence to myself! May He be
blessed for ever! Amen.

6. Though I remained here but a few days, yet, through the impression made
on my heart by the words of God both heard and read, and by the good
conversation of my uncle, I came to understand the truth I had heard in my
childhood, that all things are as nothing, the world vanity, and passing
rapidly away. I also began to be afraid that, if I were then to die, I
should go down to hell. Though I could not bend my will to be a nun, I saw
that the religious state was the best and the safest. And thus, by little
and little, I resolved to force myself into it.

7. The struggle lasted three months. I used to press this reason against
myself: The trials and sufferings of living as a nun cannot be greater than
those of purgatory, and I have well deserved to be in hell. It is not much
to spend the rest of my life as if I were in purgatory, and then go straight
to Heaven which was what I desired. I was more influenced by servile fear, I
think, than by love, to enter religion.

8. The devil put before me that I could not endure the trials of the
religious life, because of my delicate nurture. I defended myself against
him by alleging the trials which Christ endured, and that it was not much
for me to suffer something for His sake; besides, He would help me to bear
it. I must have thought so, but I do not remember this consideration. I
endured many temptations during these days. I was subject to fainting-fits,
attended with fever, for my health was always weak. I had become by this
time fond of good books, and that gave me life. I read the Epistles of St.
Jerome, which filled me with so much courage, that I resolved to tell my
father of my purpose, which was almost like taking the habit; for I was so
jealous of my word, that I would never, for any consideration, recede from a
promise when once my word had been given.

9. My father's love for me was so great, that I could never obtain his
consent; nor could the prayers of others, whom I persuaded to speak to him,
be of any avail. The utmost I could get from him was that I might do as I
pleased after his death. I now began to be afraid of myself, and of my own
weakness for I might go back. So, considering that such waiting was not safe
for me, I obtained my end in another way, as I shall now relate.
_________________________________________________________________

[98] St. Matt. xx. 16: "Multi enim sunt vocati, pauci vero electi."

[99] Juana Suarez, in the Monastery of the incarnation, Avila (Reforma, lib.
i. ch. vii.§ 7).

[100] Maria de Cepeda, married to Don Martin Guzman y Barrientos. They lived
in Castellanos de la Cañada, where they had considerable property; but in
the later years of their lives they were in straitened circumstances (De la
Fuente). See below, [118]ch. xxxiv.§ 24.

[101] Don Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda. He lived in Hortigosa, four leagues from
Avila (De la Fuente).
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter IV.

Our Lord Helps Her to Become a Nun. Her Many Infirmities.

1. In those days, when I was thus resolved, I had persuaded one of my
brothers, [102] by speaking to him of the vanity of the world, to become a
friar; and we agreed together to set out one day very early in the morning
for the monastery where that friend of mine lived for whom I had so great an
affection: [103] though I would have gone to any other monastery, if I
thought I should serve God better in it, or to any one my father liked, so
strong was my resolution now to become a nun for I thought more of the
salvation of my soul now, and made no account whatever of mine own ease. I
remember perfectly well, and it is quite true, that the pain I felt when I
left my father's house was so great, that I do not believe the pain of dying
will be greater for it seemed to me as if every bone in my body were
wrenched asunder; [104] for, as I had no love of God to destroy my love of
father and of kindred, this latter love came upon me with a violence so
great that, if our Lord had not been my keeper, my own resolution to go on
would have failed me. But He gave me courage to fight against myself, so
that I executed my purpose. [105]

2. When I took the habit, [106] our Lord at once made me understand how He
helps those who do violence to themselves in order to serve Him. No one
observed this violence in me; they saw nothing but the greatest good will.
At that moment, because I was entering on that state, I was filled with a
joy so great, that it has never failed me to this day; and God converted the
aridity of my soul into the greatest tenderness. Everything in religion was
a delight unto me; and it is true that now and then I used to sweep the
house during those hours of the day which I had formerly spent on my
amusements and my dress; and, calling to mind that I was delivered from such
follies, I was filled with a new joy that surprised me, nor could I
understand whence it came.

3. Whenever I remember this, there is nothing in the world, however hard it
may be, that, if it were proposed to me, I would not undertake without any
hesitation whatever; for I know now, by experience in many things, that if
from the first I resolutely persevere in my purpose, even in this life His
Majesty rewards it in a way which he only understands who has tried it. When
the act is done for God only, it is His will before we begin it that the
soul, in order to the increase of its merits, should be afraid; and the
greater the fear, if we do but succeed, the greater the reward, and the
sweetness thence afterwards resulting. I know this by experience, as I have
just said, in many serious affairs; and so, if I were a person who had to
advise anybody, I would never counsel any one, to whom good inspirations
from time to time may come, to resist them through fear of the difficulty of
carrying them into effect; for if a person lives detached for the love of
God only, that is no reason for being afraid of failure, for He is
omnipotent. May He be blessed for ever! Amen.

4. O supreme Good, and my Rest, those graces ought to have been enough which
Thou hadst given me hitherto, seeing that Thy compassion and greatness had
drawn me through so many windings to a state so secure, to a house where
there are so many servants of God, from whom I might learn how I may advance
in Thy service. I know not how to go on, when I call to mind the
circumstances of my profession, the great resolution and joy with which I
made it, and my betrothal unto Thee. I cannot speak of it without tears; and
my tears ought to be tears of blood, my heart ought to break, and that would
not be much to suffer because of the many offences against Thee which I have
committed since that day. It seems to me now that I had good reasons for not
wishing for this dignity, seeing that I have made so sad a use of it. But
Thou, O my Lord, hast been willing to bear with me for almost twenty years
of my evil using of Thy graces, till I might become better. It seems to me,
O my God, that I did nothing but promise never to keep any of the promises
then made to Thee. Yet such was not my intention: but I see that what I have
done since is of such a nature, that I know not what my intention was. So it
was and so it happened, that it may be the better known, O my Bridegroom,
Who Thou art and what I am.

5. It is certainly true that very frequently the joy I have in that the
multitude of Thy mercies is made known in me, softens the bitter sense of my
great faults. In whom, O Lord, can they shine forth as they do in me, who by
my evil deeds have shrouded in darkness Thy great graces, which Thou hadst
begun to work in me? Woe is me, O my Maker! If I would make an excuse, I
have none to offer; and I only am to blame. For if I could return to Thee
any portion of that love which Thou hadst begun to show unto me, I would
give it only unto Thee, and then everything would have been safe. But, as I
have not deserved this, nor been so happy as to have done it, let Thy mercy,
O Lord, rest upon me.

6. The change in the habits of my life, and in my food, proved hurtful to my
health; and though my happiness was great, that was not enough. The
fainting-fits began to be more frequent; and my heart was so seriously
affected, that every one who saw it was alarmed; and I had also many other
ailments. And thus it was I spent the first year, having very bad health,
though I do not think I offended God in it much. And as my illness was so
serious I was almost insensible at all times, and frequently wholly so my
father took great pains to find some relief; and as the physicians who
attended me had none to give, he had me taken to a place which had a great
reputation for the cure of other infirmities. They said I should find relief
there. [107] That friend of whom I have spoken as being in the house went
with me. She was one of the elder nuns. In the house where I was a nun,
there was no vow of enclosure. [108]

7. I remained there nearly a year, for three months of it suffering most
cruel tortures effects of the violent remedies which they applied. I know
not how I endured them; and indeed, though I submitted myself to them, they
were, as I shall relate, [109] more than my constitution could bear.

8. I was to begin the treatment in the spring, and went thither when winter
commenced. The intervening time I spent with my sister, of whom I spoke
before, [110] in her house in the country, waiting for the month of April,
which was drawing near, that I might not have to go and return. The uncle of
whom I have made mention before, [111] and whose house was on our road, gave
me a book called Tercer Abecedario, [112] which treats of the prayer of
recollection. Though in the first year I had read good books for I would
read no others, because I understood now the harm they had done me I did not
know how to make my prayer, nor how to recollect myself. I was therefore
much pleased with the book, and resolved to follow the way of prayer it
described with all my might. And as our Lord had already bestowed upon me
the gift of tears, and I found pleasure in reading, I began to spend a
certain time in solitude, to go frequently to confession, and make a
beginning of that way of prayer, with this book for my guide; for I had no
master I mean, no confessor who understood me, though I sought for such a
one for twenty years afterwards: which did me much harm, in that I
frequently went backwards, and might have been even utterly lost; for,
anyhow, a director would have helped me to escape the risks I ran of sinning
against God.

9. From the very beginning, God was most gracious unto me. Though I was not
so free from sin as the book required, I passed that by; such watchfulness
seemed to me almost impossible. I was on my guard against mortal sin and
would to God I had always been so! but I was careless about venial sins, and
that was my ruin. Yet, for all this, at the end of my stay there I spent
nearly nine months in the practice of solitude our Lord began to comfort me
so much in this way of prayer, as in His mercy to raise me to the prayer of
quiet, and now and then to that of union, though I understood not what
either the one or the other was, nor the great esteem I ought to have had of
them. I believe it would have been a great blessing to me if I had
understood the matter. It is true that the prayer of union lasted but a
short time: I know not if it continued for the space of an Ave Maria; but
the fruits of it remained; and they were such that, though I was then not
twenty years of age, I seemed to despise the world utterly; and so I
remember how sorry I was for those who followed its ways, though only in
things lawful.

10. I used to labour with all my might to imagine Jesus Christ, our Good and
our Lord, present within me. And this was the way I prayed. If I meditated
on any mystery of His life, I represented it to myself as within me, though
the greater part of my time I spent in reading good books, which was all my
comfort; for God never endowed me with the gift of making reflections with
the understanding, or with that of using the imagination to any good
purpose: my imagination is so sluggish, [113] that even if I would think of,
or picture to myself, as I used to labour to picture, our Lord's Humanity, I
never could do it.

11. And though men may attain more quickly to the state of contemplation, if
they persevere, by this way of inability to exert the intellect, yet is the
process more laborious and painful; for if the will have nothing to occupy
it, and if love have no present object to rest on, the soul is without
support and without employment its isolation and dryness occasion great
pain, and the thoughts assail it most grievously. Persons in this condition
must have greater purity of conscience than those who can make use of their
understanding; for he who can use his intellect in the way of meditation on
what the world is, on what he owes to God, on the great sufferings of God
for him, his own scanty service in return, and on the reward God reserves
for those who love Him, learns how to defend himself against his own
thoughts, and against the occasions and perils of sin. On the other hand, he
who has not that power is in greater danger, and ought to occupy himself
much in reading, seeing that he is not in the slightest degree able to help
himself.

12. This way of proceeding is so exceedingly painful, that if the master who
teaches it insists on cutting off the succours which reading gives, and
requires the spending of much time in prayer, then, I say, it will be
impossible to persevere long in it: and if he persists in his plan, health
will be ruined, because it is a most painful process. Reading is of great
service towards procuring recollection in any one who proceeds in this way;
and it is even necessary for him, however little it may be that he reads, if
only as a substitute for the mental prayer which is beyond his reach.

13. Now I seem to understand that it was the good providence of our Lord
over me that found no one to teach me. If I had, it would have been
impossible for me to persevere during the eighteen years of my trial and of
those great aridities because of my inability to meditate. During all this
time, it was only after Communion that I ever ventured to begin my prayer
without a book my soul was as much afraid to pray without one, as if it had
to fight against a host. With a book to help me it was like a companion, and
a shield whereon to receive the blows of many thoughts I found comfort; for
it was not usual with me to be in aridity: but I always was so when I had no
book; for my soul was disturbed, and my thoughts wandered at once. With one,
I began to collect my thoughts, and, using it as a decoy, kept my soul in
peace, very frequently by merely opening a book there was no necessity for
more. Sometimes, I read but little; at other times, much according as our
Lord had pity on me.

14. It seemed to me, in these beginnings of which I am speaking, that there
could be no danger capable of withdrawing me from so great a blessing, if I
had but books, and could have remained alone; and I believe that, by the
grace of God, it would have been so, if I had had a master or any one to
warn me against those occasions of sin in the beginning, and, if I fell, to
bring me quickly out of them. If the devil had assailed me openly then, I
believe I should never have fallen into any grievous sin; but he was so
subtle, and I so weak, that all my good resolutions were of little
service though, in those days in which I served God, they were very
profitable in enabling me, with that patience which His Majesty gave me, to
endure the alarming illnesses which I had to bear. I have often thought with
wonder of the great goodness of God; and my soul has rejoiced in the
contemplation of His great magnificence and mercy. May He be blessed for
ever! for I see clearly that He has not omitted to reward me, even in this
life, for every one of my good desires. My good works, however wretched and
imperfect, have been made better and perfected by Him Who is my Lord: He has
rendered them meritorious. As to my evil deeds and my sins, He hid them at
once. The eyes of those who saw them, He made even blind; and He has blotted
them out of their memory. He gilds my faults, makes virtue to shine forth,
giving it to me Himself, and compelling me to possess it, as it were, by
force.

15. I must now return to that which has been enjoined me. I say, that if I
had to describe minutely how our Lord dealt with me in the beginning, it
would be necessary for me to have another understanding than that I have: so
that I might be able to appreciate what I owe to Him, together with my own
ingratitude and wickedness; for I have forgotten it all.

May He be blessed for ever Who has borne with me so long! Amen.
_________________________________________________________________

[102] Antonio de Ahumada; who, according to the most probable opinion,
entered the Dominican monastery of St. Thomas, Avila. It is said that he
died before he was professed. Some said he joined the Hieronymites; but this
is not so probable (De la Fuente). Ribera, however, says that he did enter
the novitiate of the Hieronymites. but died before he was out of it (lib. i.
ch. vi.).

[103] Juana Suarez, in the Monastery of the Incarnation, Avila.

[104] See [119]Relation, vi.§ 3.

[105] The nuns sent word to the father of his child's escape, and of her
desire to become a nun, but without any expectation of obtaining his
consent. He came to the monastery forthwith, and "offered up his Isaac on
Mount Carmel" (Reforma, lib. i. ch. viii.§ 5).

[106] The Saint entered the Monastery of the Incarnation Nov. 2, 1533, and
made her profession Nov. 3, 1534 (Bollandists and Bouix). Ribera says she
entered November 2, 1535; and the chronicler of the Order, relying on the
contract by which her father bound himself to the monastery, says that she
took the habit Nov. 2, 1536, and that Ribera had made a mistake.

[107] Her father took her from the monastery in the autumn of 1535,
according to the Bollandists, but of 1538, according to the chronicler, who
adds, that she was taken to her uncle's house Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda in
Hortigosa, and then to Castellanos de la Cañada, to the house of her sister,
Doña Maria, where she remained till the spring, when she went to Bezadas for
her cure (Reforma, lib. i. ch. xi.§ 2).

[108] It was in 1563 that all nuns were compelled to observe enclosure (De
la Fuente).

[109] [120]Ch. v.§ 15.

[110] [121]Ch. iii.§ 4.

[111] [122]Ch. iii.§ 5.

[112] By Fray Francisco de Osuna, of the Order of St. Francis (Reforma, lib.
i. ch. xi.§ 2).

[113] See [123]ch. ix.§§ 4, [124]7.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter V.

Illness and Patience of the Saint. The Story of a Priest Whom She Rescued
from a Life of Sin.

1. I forgot to say how, in the year of my novitiate, I suffered much
uneasiness about things in themselves of no importance; but I was found
fault with very often when I was blameless. I bore it painfully and with
imperfection; however, I went through it all, because of the joy I had in
being a nun. When they saw me seeking to be alone, and even weeping over my
sins at times, they thought I was discontented, and said so.

2. All religious observances had an attraction for me, but I could not
endure any which seemed to make me contemptible. I delighted in being
thought well of by others, and was very exact in everything I had to do. All
this I thought was a virtue, though it will not serve as any excuse for me,
because I knew what it was to procure my own satisfaction in everything, and
so ignorance does not blot out the blame. There may be some excuse in the
fact that the monastery was not founded in great perfection. I, wicked as I
was, followed after that which I saw was wrong, and neglected that which was
good.

3. There was then in the house a nun labouring under a most grievous and
painful disorder, for there were open ulcers in her body, caused by certain
obstructions, through which her food was rejected. Of this sickness she soon
died. All the sisters, I saw, were afraid of her malady. I envied her
patience very much; I prayed to God that He would give me a like patience;
and then, whatever sickness it might be His pleasure to send, I do not think
I was afraid of any, for I was resolved on gaining eternal good, and
determined to gain it by any and by every means.

4. I am surprised at myself, because then I had not, as I believe, that love
of God which I think I had after I began to pray. Then, I had only light to
see that all things that pass away are to be lightly esteemed, and that the
good things to be gained by despising them are of great price, because they
are for ever. His Majesty heard me also in this, for in less than two years
I was so afflicted myself that the illness which I had, though of a
different kind from that of the sister, was, I really believe, not less
painful and trying for the three years it lasted, as I shall now relate.

5. When the time had come for which I was waiting in the place I spoke of
before [114] I was in my sister's house, for the purpose of undergoing the
medical treatment they took me away with the utmost care of my comfort; that
is, my father, my sister, and the nun, my friend, who had come from the
monastery with me, for her love for me was very great. At that moment, Satan
began to trouble my soul; God, however, brought forth a great blessing out
of that trouble.

6. In the place to which I had gone for my cure lived a priest of good birth
and understanding, with some learning, but not much. I went to confession to
him, for I was always fond of learned men, although confessors indifferently
learned did my soul much harm; for I did not always find confessors whose
learning was as good as I could wish it was. I know by experience that it is
better, if the confessors are good men and of holy lives, that they should
have no learning at all, than a little; for such confessors never trust
themselves without consulting those who are learned nor would I trust them
myself: and a really learned confessor never deceived me. [115] Neither did
the others willingly deceive me, only they knew no better; I thought they
were learned, and that I was not under any other obligation than that of
believing them, as their instructions to me were lax, and left me more at
liberty for if they had been strict with me, I am so wicked, I should have
sought for others. That which was a venial sin, they told me was no sin at
all; of that which was most grievously mortal, they said it was venial.
[116]

7. This did me so much harm, that it is no wonder I should speak of it here
as a warning to others, that they may avoid an evil so great; for I see
clearly that in the eyes of God I was without excuse, that the things I did
being in themselves not good, this should have been enough to keep me from
them. I believe that God, by reason of my sins, allowed those confessors to
deceive themselves and to deceive me. I myself deceived many others by
saying to them what had been said to me.

8. I continued in this blindness, I believe, more than seventeen years, till
a most learned Dominican Father [117] undeceived me in part, and those of
the Company of Jesus made me altogether so afraid, by insisting on the
erroneousness of these principles, as I shall hereafter show. [118]

9. I began, then, by going to confession to that priest of whom I spoke
before. [119] He took an extreme liking to me, because I had then but little
to confess in comparison with what I had afterwards; and I had never much to
say since I became a nun. There was no harm in the liking he had for me, but
it ceased to be good, because it was in excess. He clearly understood that I
was determined on no account whatever to do anything whereby God might be
seriously offended. He, too, gave me a like assurance about himself, and
accordingly our conferences were many. But at that time, through the
knowledge and fear of God which filled my soul, what gave me most pleasure
in all my conversations with others was to speak of God; and, as I was so
young, this made him ashamed; and then, out of that great goodwill he bore
me, he began to tell me of his wretched state. It was very sad, for he had
been nearly seven years in a most perilous condition, because of his
affection for, and conversation with, a woman of that place; and yet he used
to say Mass. The matter was so public, that his honour and good name were
lost, and no one ventured to speak to him about it. I was extremely sorry
for him, because I liked him much. I was then so imprudent and so blind as
to think it a virtue to be grateful and loyal to one who liked me. Cursed be
that loyalty which reaches so far as to go against the law of God. It is a
madness common in the world, and it makes me mad to see it. We are indebted
to God for all the good that men do to us, and yet we hold it to be an act
of virtue not to break a friendship of this kind, though it lead us to go
against Him. Oh, blindness of the world! Let me, O Lord, be most ungrateful
to the world; never at all unto Thee. But I have been altogether otherwise
through my sins.

10. I procured further information about the matter from members of his
household; I learned more of his ruinous state, and saw that the poor man's
fault was not so grave, because the miserable woman had had recourse to
enchantments, by giving him a little image made of copper, which she had
begged him to wear for love of her around his neck; and this no one had
influence enough to persuade him to throw away. As to this matter of
enchantments, I do not believe it to be altogether true; but I will relate
what I saw, by way of warning to men to be on their guard against women who
will do things of this kind. And let them be assured of this, that women for
they are more bound to purity than men if once they have lost all shame
before God, are in nothing whatever to be trusted; and that in exchange for
the gratification of their will, and of that affection which the devil
suggests, they will hesitate at nothing.

11. Though I have been so wicked myself, I never fell into anything of this
kind, nor did I ever attempt to do evil; nor, if I had the power, would I
have ever constrained any one to like me, for our Lord kept me from this.
But if He had abandoned me, I should have done wrong in this, as I did in
other things for there is nothing in me whereon anyone may rely.

12. When I knew this, I began to show him greater affection: my intention
was good, but the act was wrong, for I ought not to do the least wrong for
the sake of any good, how great soever it may be. I spoke to him most
frequently of God; and this must have done him good though I believe that
what touched him most was his great affection for me, because, to do me a
pleasure, he gave me that little image of copper, and I had it at once
thrown into a river. When he had given it up, like a man roused from deep
sleep, he began to consider all that he had done in those years; and then,
amazed at himself, lamenting his ruinous state, that woman came to be
hateful in his eyes. Our Lady must have helped him greatly, for he had a
very great devotion to her Conception, and used to keep the feast thereof
with great solemnity. In short, he broke off all relations with that woman
utterly, and was never weary of giving God thanks for the light He had given
him; and at the end of the year from the day I first saw him, he died.

13. He had been most diligent in the service of God; and as for that great
affection he had for me, I never observed anything wrong in it, though it
might have been of greater purity. There were also occasions wherein he
might have most grievously offended, if he had not kept himself in the near
presence of God. As I said before, [120] I would not then have done anything
I knew was a mortal sin. And I think that observing this resolution in me
helped him to have that affection for me; for I believe that all men must
have a greater affection for those women whom they see disposed to be good;
and even for the attainment of earthly ends, women must have more power over
men because they are good, as I shall show hereafter. I am convinced that
the priest is in the way of salvation. He died most piously, and completely
withdrawn from that occasion of sin. It seems that it was the will of our
Lord he should be saved by these means.

14. I remained three months in that place, in the most grievous sufferings;
for the treatment was too severe for my constitution. In two months so
strong were the medicines my life was nearly worn out; and the severity of
the pain in the heart, [121] for the cure of which I was there was much more
keen: it seemed to me, now and then, as if it had been seized by sharp
teeth. So great was the torment, that it was feared it might end in madness.
There was a great loss of strength, for I could eat nothing whatever, only
drink. I had a great loathing for food, and a fever that never left me. I
was so reduced, for they had given me purgatives daily for nearly a month,
and so parched up, that my sinews began to shrink. The pains I had were
unendurable, and I was overwhelmed in a most deep sadness, so that I had no
rest either night or day.

15. This was the result; and thereupon my father took me back. Then the
physicians visited me again. All gave me up; they said I was also
consumptive. This gave me little or no concern; what distressed me were the
pains I had for I was in pain from my head down to my feet. Now, nervous
pains, according to the physicians, are intolerable; and all my nerves were
shrunk. Certainly, if I had not brought this upon myself by my sins, the
torture would have been unendurable.

16. I was not more than three months in this cruel distress, for it seemed
impossible that so many ills could be borne together. I now am astonished at
myself, and the patience His Majesty gave me for it clearly came from Him I
look upon as a great mercy of our Lord. It was a great help to me to be
patient, that I had read the story of Job, in the Morals of St. Gregory (our
Lord seems to have prepared me thereby); and that I had begun the practice
of prayer, so that I might bear it all, conforming my will to the will of
God. All my conversation was with God. I had continually these words of Job
in my thoughts and in my mouth: "If we have received good things of the hand
of our Lord, why should we not receive evil things?" [122] This seemed to
give me courage.

17. The feast of our Lady, in August, came round; from April until then I
had been in great pain, but more especially during the last three months. I
made haste to go to confession, for I had always been very fond of frequent
confession. They thought I was driven by the fear of death; and so my
father, in order to quiet me, would not suffer me to go. Oh, the
unreasonable love of flesh and blood! Though it was that of a father so
Catholic and so wise he was very much so, and this act of his could not be
the effect of any ignorance on his part what evil it might have done me!

18. That very night my sickness became so acute, that for about four days I
remained insensible. They administered the Sacrament of the last Anointing,
and every hour, or rather every moment, thought I was dying; they did
nothing but repeat the Credo, as if I could have understood anything they
said. They must have regarded me as dead more than once, for I found
afterwards drops of wax on my eyelids. My father, because he had not allowed
me to go to confession, was grievously distressed. Loud cries and many
prayers were made to God: blessed be He Who heard them.

19. For a day-and-a-half the grave was open in my monastery, waiting for my
body; [123] and the Friars of our Order, in a house at some distance from
this place, performed funeral solemnities. But it pleased our Lord I should
come to myself. I wished to go to confession at once. I communicated with
many tears; but I do not think those tears had their source in that pain and
sorrow only for having offended God, which might have sufficed for my
salvation unless, indeed, the delusion which I laboured under were some
excuse for me, and into which I had been led by those who had told me that
some things were not mortal sins which afterwards I found were so certainly.

20. Though my sufferings were unendurable, and my perceptions dull, yet my
confession, I believe, was complete as to all matters wherein I understood
myself to have offended God. This grace, among others, did His Majesty
bestow on me, that ever since my first Communion never in confession have I
failed to confess anything I thought to be a sin, though it might be only a
venial sin. But I think that undoubtedly my salvation was in great peril, if
I had died at that time partly because my confessors were so unlearned, and
partly because I was so very wicked. It is certainly true that when I think
of it, and consider how our Lord seems to have raised me up from the dead, I
am so filled with wonder, that I almost tremble with fear. [124]

21. And now, O my soul, it were well for thee to look that danger in the
face from which our Lord delivered thee; and if thou dost not cease to
offend Him out of love thou shouldst do so out of fear. He might have slain
thee a thousand times, and in a far more perilous state. I believe I
exaggerate nothing if I say a thousand times again, though he may rebuke me
who has commanded me to restrain myself in recounting my sins; and they are
glossed over enough. I pray him, for the love of God, not to suppress one of
my faults, because herein shines forth the magnificence of God, as well as
His long-suffering towards souls. May He be blessed for evermore, and
destroy me utterly, rather than let me cease to love Him any more!
_________________________________________________________________

[114] [125]Ch. iv.§ 6. The person to whom she was taken was a woman famous
for certain cures she had wrought, but whose skill proved worse than useless
to the Saint (Reforma, lib. i. ch. xi.§ 2).

[115] Schram, Theolog. Mystic.,§ 483. "Magni doctores scholastici, si non
sint spirituales, vel omni rerum spiritualium experientia careant, non
solent esse magistri spirituales idonei nam theologia scholastica est
perfectio intellectus; mystica, perfectio intellectus et voluntatis: unde
bonus theologus scholasticus potest esse malus theologus mysticus. In rebus
tamen difficilibus, dubiis, spiritualibus, præstat mediocriter spiritualem
theologum consulere quam spiritualem idiotam."

[116] See Way of Perfection, ch. viii.§ 2; but ch. v. Dalton's edition.

[117] F. Vicente Barron (Bouix).

[118] See [126]ch. xxiii.

[119] [127]§ 6.

[120] [128]§ 9.

[121] [129]Ch. iv.§ 6.

[122] Job ii. 10: "Si bona suscepimus de manu Dei, mala quare
non suscipiamus?"

[123] Some of the nuns of the Incarnation were in the house, sent thither
from the monastery; and, but for the father's disbelief in her death, would
have taken her home for burial (Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv.).

[124] Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv., says he heard Fra Bañes, in a sermon, say
that the Saint told him she had, during these four days, seen hell in a
vision. And the chronicler says that though there was bodily illness, yet it
was a trance of the soul at the same time (vol. i. lib. i. ch. xii.§ 3).
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter VI.

The Great Debt She Owed to Our Lord for His Mercy to Her. She Takes
St. Joseph for Her Patron.

1. After those four days, during which I was insensible, so great was my
distress, that our Lord alone knoweth the intolerable sufferings I endured.
My tongue was bitten to pieces; there was a choking in my throat because I
had taken nothing, and because of my weakness, so that I could not swallow
even a drop of water; all my bones seemed to be out of joint, and the
disorder of my head was extreme. I was bent together like a coil of
ropes for to this was I brought by the torture of those days unable to move
either arm, or foot, or hand, or head, any more than if I had been dead,
unless others moved me; I could move, however, I think, one finger of my
right hand. Then, as to touching me, that was impossible, for I was so
bruised that I could not endure it. They used to move me in a sheet, one
holding one end, and another the other. This lasted till Palm Sunday. [125]

2. The only comfort I had was this if no one came near me, my pains
frequently ceased; and then, because I had a little rest, I considered
myself well, for I was afraid my patience would fail: and thus I was
exceedingly happy when I saw myself free from those pains which were so
sharp and constant, though in the cold fits of an intermittent fever, which
were most violent, they were still unendurable. My dislike of food was very
great.

3. I was now so anxious to return to my monastery, that I had myself
conveyed thither in the state I was in. There they received alive one whom
they had waited for as dead; but her body was worse than dead: the sight of
it could only give pain. It is impossible to describe my extreme weakness,
for I was nothing but bones. I remained in this state, as I have already
said, [126] more than eight months; and was paralytic, though getting
better, for about three years. I praised God when I began to crawl on my
hands and knees. I bore all this with great resignation, and, if I except
the beginning of my illness, with great joy; for all this was as nothing in
comparison with the pains and tortures I had to bear at first. I was
resigned to the will of God, even if He left me in this state for ever. My
anxiety about the recovery of my health seemed to be grounded on my desire
to pray in solitude, as I had been taught; for there were no means of doing
so in the infirmary. I went to confession most frequently, spoke much about
God, and in such a way as to edify everyone; and they all marvelled at the
patience which our Lord gave me for if it had not come from the hand of His
Majesty, it seemed impossible to endure so great an affliction with so great
a joy.

4. It was a great thing for me to have had the grace of prayer which God had
wrought in me; it made me understand what it is to love Him. In a little
while, I saw these virtues renewed within me; still they were not strong,
for they were not sufficient to sustain me in justice. I never spoke ill in
the slightest degree whatever of any one, and my ordinary practice was to
avoid all detraction; for I used to keep most carefully in mind that I ought
not to assent to, nor say of another, anything I should not like to have
said of myself. I was extremely careful to keep this resolution on all
occasions though not so perfectly, upon some great occasions that presented
themselves, as not to break it sometimes. But my ordinary practice was this:
and thus those who were about me, and those with whom I conversed, became so
convinced that it was right, that they adopted it as a habit. It came to be
understood that where I was, absent persons were safe; so they were also
with my friends and kindred, and with those whom I instructed. Still, for
all this, I have a strict account to give unto God for the bad example I
gave in other respects. May it please His Majesty to forgive me, for I have
been the cause of much evil; though not with intentions as perverse as were
the acts that followed.

5. The longing for solitude remained, and I loved to discourse and speak of
God; for if I found any one with whom I could do so, it was a greater joy
and satisfaction to me than all the refinements or rather to speak more
correctly, the real rudeness of the world's conversation. I communicated and
confessed more frequently still, and desired to do so; I was extremely fond
of reading good books; I was most deeply penitent for having offended God;
and I remember that very often I did not dare to pray, because I was afraid
of that most bitter anguish which I felt for having offended God, dreading
it as a great chastisement. This grew upon me afterwards to so great a
degree, that I know of no torment wherewith to compare it; and yet it was
neither more nor less because of any fear I had at any time, for it came
upon me only when I remembered the consolations of our Lord which He gave me
in prayer, the great debt I owed Him, the evil return I made: I could not
bear it. I was also extremely angry with myself on account of the many tears
I shed for my faults, when I saw how little I improved, seeing that neither
my good resolutions, nor the pains I took, were sufficient to keep me from
falling whenever I had the opportunity. I looked on my tears as a delusion;
and my faults, therefore, I regarded as the more grievous, because I saw the
great goodness of our Lord to me in the shedding of those tears, and
together with them such deep compunction.

6. I took care to go to confession as soon as I could; and, as I think, did
all that was possible on my part to return to a state of grace. But the
whole evil lay in my not thoroughly avoiding the occasions of sin, and in my
confessors, who helped me so little. If they had told me that I was
travelling on a dangerous road, and that I was bound to abstain from those
conversations, I believe, without any doubt, that the matter would have been
remedied, because I could not bear to remain even for one day in mortal sin,
if I knew it.

7. All these tokens of the fear of God came to me through prayer; and the
greatest of them was this, that fear was swallowed up of love for I never
thought of chastisement. All the time I was so ill, my strict watch over my
conscience reached to all that is mortal sin.

8. O my God! I wished for health, that I might serve Thee better; that was
the cause of all my ruin. For when I saw how helpless I was through
paralysis, being still so young, and how the physicians of this world had
dealt with me, I determined to ask those of heaven to heal me for I wished,
nevertheless, to be well, though I bore my illness with great joy.
Sometimes, too, I used to think that if I recovered my health, and yet were
lost for ever, I was better as I was. But, for all that, I thought I might
serve God much better if I were well. This is our delusion; we do not resign
ourselves absolutely to the disposition of our Lord, Who knows best what is
for our good.

9. I began by having Masses and prayers said for my intention prayers that
were highly sanctioned; for I never liked those other devotions which some
people, especially women, make use of with a ceremoniousness to me
intolerable, but which move them to be devout. I have been given to
understand since that they were unseemly and superstitious; and I took for
my patron and lord the glorious St. Joseph, and recommended myself earnestly
to him. I saw clearly that both out of this my present trouble, and out of
others of greater importance, relating to my honour and the loss of my soul,
this my father and lord delivered me, and rendered me greater services than
I knew how to ask for. I cannot call to mind that I have ever asked him at
any time for anything which he has not granted; and I am filled with
amazement when I consider the great favours which God hath given me through
this blessed Saint; the dangers from which he hath delivered me, both of
body and of soul. To other Saints, our Lord seems to have given grace to
succour men in some special necessity; but to this glorious Saint, I know by
experience, to help us in all: and our Lord would have us understand that as
He was Himself subject to him upon earth for St. Joseph having the title of
father, and being His guardian, could command Him so now in heaven He
performs all his petitions. I have asked others to recommend themselves to
St. Joseph, and they too know this by experience; and there are many who are
now of late devout to him, [127] having had experience of this truth.

10. I used to keep his feast with all the solemnity I could, but with more
vanity than spirituality, seeking rather too much splendour and effect, and
yet with good intentions. I had this evil in me, that if our Lord gave me
grace to do any good, that good became full of imperfections and of many
faults; but as for doing wrong, the indulgence of curiosity and vanity, I
was very skilful and active therein. Our Lord forgive me!

11. Would that I could persuade all men to be devout to this glorious Saint;
for I know by long experience what blessings he can obtain for us from God.
I have never known any one who was really devout to him, and who honoured
him by particular services, who did not visibly grow more and more in
virtue; for he helps in a special way those souls who commend themselves to
him. It is now some years since I have always on his feast asked him for
something, and I always have it. If the petition be in any way amiss, he
directs it aright for my greater good.

12. If I were a person who had authority to write, it would be a pleasure to
me to be diffusive in speaking most minutely of the graces which this
glorious Saint has obtained for me and for others. But that I may not go
beyond the commandment that is laid upon me, I must in many things be more
brief than I could wish, and more diffusive than is necessary in others;
for, in short, I am a person who, in all that is good, has but little
discretion. But I ask, for the love of God, that he who does not believe me
will make the trial for himself when he will see by experience the great
good that results from commending oneself to this glorious patriarch, and
being devout to him. Those who give themselves to prayer should in a special
manner have always a devotion to St. Joseph; for I know not how any man can
think of the Queen of the angels, during the time that she suffered so much
with the Infant Jesus, without giving thanks to St. Joseph for the services
he rendered them then. He who cannot find any one to teach him how to pray,
let him take this glorious Saint for his master, and he will not wander out
of the way.

13. May it please our Lord that I have not done amiss in venturing to speak
about St. Joseph; for, though I publicly profess my devotion to him, I have
always failed in my service to him and imitation of him. He was like himself
when he made me able to rise and walk, no longer a paralytic; and I, too, am
like myself when I make so bad a use of this grace.

14. Who could have said that I was so soon to fall, after such great
consolations from God after His Majesty had implanted virtues in me which of
themselves made me serve Him after I had been, as it were, dead, and in such
extreme peril of eternal damnation after He had raised me up, soul and body,
so that all who saw me marvelled to see me alive? What can it mean, O my
Lord? The life we live is so full of danger! While I am writing this and it
seems to me, too, by Thy grace and mercy I may say with St. Paul, though not
so truly as he did: "It is not I who live now, but Thou, my Creator, livest
in me." [128] For some years past, so it seems to me, Thou hast held me by
the hand; and I see in myself desires and resolutions in some measure tested
by experience, in many ways, during that time never to do anything, however
slight it may be, contrary to Thy will, though I must have frequently
offended Thy Divine Majesty without being aware of it; and I also think that
nothing can be proposed to me that I should not with great resolution
undertake for Thy love. In some things Thou hast Thyself helped me to
succeed therein. I love neither the world, nor the things of the world; nor
do I believe that anything that does not come from Thee can give me
pleasure; everything else seems to me a heavy cross.

15. Still, I may easily deceive myself, and it may be that I am not what I
say I am; but Thou knowest, O my Lord, that, to the best of my knowledge, I
lie not. I am afraid, and with good reason, lest Thou shouldst abandon me;
for I know now how far my strength and little virtue can reach, if Thou be
not ever at hand to supply them, and to help me never to forsake Thee. May
His Majesty grant that I be not forsaken of Thee even now, when I am
thinking all this of myself!

16. I know not how we can wish to live, seeing that everything is so
uncertain. Once, O Lord, I thought it impossible to forsake Thee so utterly;
and now that I have forsaken Thee so often, I cannot help being afraid; for
when Thou didst withdraw but a little from me, I fell down to the ground at
once. Blessed for ever be Thou! Though I have forsaken Thee, Thou hast not
forsaken me so utterly but that Thou hast come again and raised me up,
giving me Thy hand always. Very often, O Lord, I would not take it: very
often I would not listen when Thou wert calling me again, as I am going to
show.
_________________________________________________________________

[125] March 25, 1537.

[126] [130]Ch. v.§ 17. The Saint left her monastery in 1535; and in the
spring of 1536 went from her sister's house to Bezadas; and in July of that
year was brought back to her father's house in Avila, wherein she remained
till Palm Sunday, 1537, when she returned to the Monastery of the
Incarnation. She had been seized with paralysis there, and laboured under it
nearly three years, from 1536 to 1539, when she was miraculously healed
through the intercession of St. Joseph (Bolland, n. 100, 101). The dates of
the Chronicler are different from these.

[127] Of the devotion to St. Joseph, F. Faber (The Blessed Sacrament, bk.
ii. p. 199, 3rd ed.) says that it took its rise in the West, in a
confraternity in Avignon. "Then it spread over the church. Gerson was raised
up to be its doctor and theologian, and St. Teresa to be its Saint, and St.
Francis of Sales to be its popular teacher and missionary. The houses of
Carmel were like the holy house of Nazareth to it; and the colleges of the
Jesuits, its peaceful sojourns in dark Egypt."

[128] Galat. ii. 20: "Vivo autem, jam non ego; vivit vero in me Christus."
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter VII.

Lukewarmness. The Loss of Grace. Inconvenience of Laxity in Religious
Houses.

1. So, then, going on from pastime to pastime, from vanity to vanity, from
one occasion of sin to another, I began to expose myself exceedingly to the
very greatest dangers: my soul was so distracted by many vanities, that I
was ashamed to draw near unto God in an act of such special friendship as
that of prayer. [129] As my sins multiplied, I began to lose the pleasure
and comfort I had in virtuous things: and that loss contributed to the
abandonment of prayer. I see now most clearly, O my Lord, that this comfort
departed from me because I had departed from Thee.

2. It was the most fearful delusion into which Satan could plunge me to give
up prayer under the pretence of humility. I began to be afraid of giving
myself to prayer, because I saw myself so lost. I thought it would be better
for me, seeing that in my wickedness I was one of the most wicked, to live
like the multitude to say the prayers which I was bound to say, and that
vocally: not to practise mental prayer nor commune with God so much; for I
deserved to be with the devils, and was deceiving those who were about me,
because I made an outward show of goodness; and therefore the community in
which I dwelt is not to be blamed; for with my cunning I so managed matters,
that all had a good opinion of me; and yet I did not seek this deliberately
by simulating devotion; for in all that relates to hypocrisy and
ostentation glory be to God! I do not remember that I ever offended Him,
[130] so far as I know. The very first movements herein gave me such pain,
that the devil would depart from me with loss, and the gain remained with
me; and thus, accordingly, he never tempted me much in this way. Perhaps,
however, if God had permitted Satan to tempt me as sharply herein as he
tempted me in other things, I should have fallen also into this; but His
Majesty has preserved me until now. May He be blessed for evermore! It was
rather a heavy affliction to me that I should be thought so well of; for I
knew my own secret.

3. The reason why they thought I was not so wicked was this: they saw that
I, who was so young, and exposed to so many occasions of sin, withdrew
myself so often into solitude for prayer, read much, spoke of God, that I
liked to have His image painted in many places, to have an oratory of my
own, and furnish it with objects of devotion, that I spoke ill of no one,
and other things of the same kind in me which have the appearance of virtue.
Yet all the while I was so vain I knew how to procure respect for myself by
doing those things which in the world are usually regarded with respect.

4. In consequence of this, they gave me as much liberty as they did to the
oldest nuns, and even more, and had great confidence in me; for as to taking
any liberty for myself, or doing anything without leave such as conversing
through the door, or in secret, or by night I do not think I could have
brought myself to speak with anybody in the monastery in that way, and I
never did it; for our Lord held me back. It seemed to me for I considered
many things carefully and of set purpose that it would be a very evil deed
on my part, wicked as I was, to risk the credit of so many nuns, who were
all good as if everything else I did was well done! In truth, the evil I did
was not the result of deliberation, as this would have been, if I had done
it, although it was too much so.

5. Therefore, I think that it did me much harm to be in a monastery not
enclosed. The liberty which those who were good might have with
advantage they not being obliged to do more than they do, because they had
not bound themselves to enclosure would certainly have led me, who am
wicked, straight to hell, if our Lord, by so many remedies and means of His
most singular mercy, had not delivered me out of that danger and it is, I
believe, the very greatest danger namely, a monastery of women
unenclosed yea, more, I think it is, for those who will be wicked, a road to
hell, rather than a help to their weakness. This is not to be understood of
my monastery; for there are so many there who in the utmost sincerity, and
in great perfection, serve our Lord, so that His Majesty, according to His
goodness, cannot but be gracious unto them; neither is it one of those which
are most open for all religious observances are kept in it; and I am
speaking only of others which I have seen and known.

6. I am exceedingly sorry for these houses, because our Lord must of
necessity send His special inspirations not merely once, but many times, if
the nuns therein are to be saved, seeing that the honours and amusements of
the world are allowed among them, and the obligations of their state are so
ill-understood. God grant they may not count that to be virtue which is sin,
as I did so often! It is very difficult to make people understand this; it
is necessary our Lord Himself should take the matter seriously into His own
hands.

7. If parents would take my advice, now that they are at no pains to place
their daughters where they may walk in the way of salvation without
incurring a greater risk than they would do if they were left in the world,
let them look at least at that which concerns their good name. Let them
marry them to persons of a much lower degree, rather than place them in
monasteries of this kind, unless they be of extremely good inclinations, and
God grant that these inclinations may come to good! or let them keep them at
home. If they will be wicked at home, their evil life can be hidden only for
a short time; but in monasteries it can be hidden long, and, in the end, it
is our Lord that discovers it. They injure not only themselves, but all the
nuns also. And all the while the poor things are not in fault; for they walk
in the way that is shown them. Many of them are to be pitied; for they
wished to withdraw from the world, and, thinking to escape from the dangers
of it, and that they were going to serve our Lord, have found themselves in
ten worlds at once, without knowing what to do, or how to help themselves.
Youth and sensuality and the devil invite them and incline them to follow
certain ways which are of the essence of worldliness. They see these ways,
so to speak, considered as safe there.

8. Now, these seem to me to be in some degree like those wretched heretics
who will make themselves blind, and who will consider that which they do to
be good, and so believe, but without really believing; for they have within
themselves something that tells them it is wrong.

9. Oh, what utter ruin! utter ruin of religious persons I am not speaking
now more of women than of men where the rules of the Order are not kept;
where the same monastery offers two roads: one of virtue and observance, the
other of inobservance, and both equally frequented! I have spoken
incorrectly: they are not equally frequented; for, on account of our sins,
the way of the greatest imperfection is the most frequented; and because it
is the broadest, it is also the most in favour. The way of religious
observance is so little used, that the friar and the nun who would really
begin to follow their vocation thoroughly have reason to fear the members of
their communities more than all the devils together. They must be more
cautious, and dissemble more, when they would speak of that friendship with
God which they desire to have, than when they would speak of those
friendships and affections which the devil arranges in monasteries. I know
not why we are astonished that the Church is in so much trouble, when we see
those, who ought to be an example of every virtue to others, so disfigure
the work which the spirit of the Saints departed wrought in their Orders.
May it please His Divine Majesty to apply a remedy to this, as He sees it to
be needful! Amen.

10. So, then, when I began to indulge in these conversations, I did not
think, seeing they were customary, that my soul must be injured and
dissipated, as I afterwards found it must be, by such conversations. I
thought that, as receiving visits was so common in many monasteries, no more
harm would befall me thereby than befell others, whom I knew to be good. I
did not observe that they were much better than I was, and that an act which
was perilous for me was not so perilous for them; and yet I have no doubt
there was some danger in it, were it nothing else but a waste of time.

11. I was once with a person it was at the very beginning of my acquaintance
with her when our Lord was pleased to show me that these friendships were
not good for me: to warn me also, and in my blindness, which was so great,
to give me light. Christ stood before me, stern and grave, giving me to
understand what in my conduct was offensive to Him. I saw Him with the eyes
of the soul more distinctly than I could have seen Him with the eyes of the
body. The vision made so deep an impression upon me, that, though it is more
than twenty-six years ago, [131] I seem to see Him present even now. I was
greatly astonished and disturbed, and I resolved not to see that person
again.

12. It did me much harm that I did not then know it was possible to see
anything otherwise than with the eyes of the body; [132] so did Satan too,
in that he helped me to think so: he made me understand it to be impossible,
and suggested that I had imagined the vision that it might be Satan
himself and other suppositions of that kind. For all this, the impression
remained with me that the vision was from God, and not an imagination; but,
as it was not to my liking, I forced myself to lie to myself; and as I did
not dare to discuss the matter with any one, and as great importunity was
used, I went back to my former conversation with the same person, and with
others also, at different times; for I was assured that there was no harm in
seeing such a person, and that I gained, instead of losing, reputation by
doing so. I spent many years in this pestilent amusement; for it never
appeared to me, when I was engaged in it, to be so bad as it really was,
though at times I saw clearly it was not good. But no one caused me the same
distraction which that person did of whom I am speaking; and that was
because I had a great affection for her.

13. At another time, when I was with that person, we saw, both of us, and
others who were present also saw, something like a great toad crawling
towards us, more rapidly than such a creature is in the habit of crawling. I
cannot understand how a reptile of that kind could, in the middle of the
day, have come forth from that place; it never had done so before, [133] but
the impression it made on me was such, that I think it must have had a
meaning; neither have I ever forgotten it. Oh, the greatness of God! with
what care and tenderness didst Thou warn me in every way! and how little I
profited by those warnings!

14. There was in that house a nun, who was related to me, now grown old, a
great servant of God, and a strict observer of the rule. She too warned me
from time to time; but I not only did not listen to her, but was even
offended, thinking she was scandalized without cause. I have mentioned this
in order that my wickedness and the great goodness of God might be
understood, and to show how much I deserved hell for ingratitude so great,
and, moreover, if it should be our Lord's will and pleasure that any nun at
any time should read this, that she might take warning by me. I beseech them
all, for the love of our Lord, to flee from such recreations as these.

15. May His Majesty grant I may undeceive some one of the many I led astray
when I told them there was no harm in these things, and assured them there
was no such great danger therein. I did so because I was blind myself; for I
would not deliberately lead them astray. By the bad example I set before
them I spoke of this before [134] I was the occasion of much evil, not
thinking I was doing so much harm.

16. In those early days, when I was ill, and before I knew how to be of use
to myself, I had a very strong desire to further the progress of others:
[135] a most common temptation of beginners. With me, however, it had good
results. Loving my father so much, I longed to see him in the possession of
that good which I seemed to derive myself from prayer. I thought that in
this life there could not be a greater good than prayer; and by roundabout
ways, as well as I could, I contrived make him enter upon it; I gave him
books for that end. As he was so good I said so before [136] this exercise
took such a hold upon him, that in five or six years, I think it was, he
made so great a progress that I used to praise our Lord for it. It was a
very great consolation to me. He had most grievous trials of diverse kinds;
and he bore them all with the greatest resignation. He came often to see me;
for it was a comfort to him to speak of the things of God.

17. And now that I had become so dissipated, and had ceased to pray, and yet
saw that he still thought I was what I used to be, I could not endure it,
and so undeceived him. I had been a year and more without praying, thinking
it an act of greater humility to abstain. This I shall speak of it again
[137] was the greatest temptation I ever had, because it very nearly
wrought my utter ruin; [138] for, when I used to pray, if I offended God one
day, on the following days I would recollect myself, and withdraw farther
from the occasions of sin.

18. When that blessed man, having that good opinion of me, came to visit me,
it pained me to see him so deceived as to think that I used to pray to God
as before. So I told him that I did not pray; but I did not tell him why. I
put my infirmities forward as an excuse; for though I had recovered from
that which was so troublesome, I have always been weak, even very much so;
and though my infirmities are somewhat less troublesome now than they were,
they still afflict me in many ways; specially, I have been suffering for
twenty years from sickness every morning, [139] so that I could not take any
food till past mid-day, and even occasionally not till later; and now, since
my Communions have become more frequent, it is at night, before I lie down
to rest, that the sickness occurs, and with greater pain; for I have to
bring it on with a feather, or other means. If I do not bring it on, I
suffer more; and thus I am never, I believe, free from great pain, which is
sometimes very acute, especially about the heart; though the fainting-fits
are now but of rare occurrence. I am also, these eight years past, free from
the paralysis, and from other infirmities of fever, which I had so often.
These afflictions I now regard so lightly, that I am even glad of them,
believing that our Lord in some degree takes His pleasure in them.

19. My father believed me when I gave him that for a reason, as he never
told a lie himself; neither should I have done so, considering the relation
we were in. I told him, in order to be the more easily believed, that it was
much for me to be able to attend in choir, though I saw clearly that this
was no excuse whatever; neither, however, was it a sufficient reason for
giving up a practice which does not require, of necessity, bodily strength,
but only love and a habit thereof; yet our Lord always furnishes an
opportunity for it, if we but seek it. I say always; for though there may be
times, as in illness, and from other causes, when we cannot be much alone,
yet it never can be but there must be opportunities when our strength is
sufficient for the purpose; and in sickness itself, and amidst other
hindrances, true prayer consists, when the soul loves, in offering up its
burden, and in thinking of Him for Whom it suffers, and in the resignation
of the will, and in a thousand ways which then present themselves. It is
under these circumstances that love exerts itself for it is not necessarily
prayer when we are alone; and neither is it not prayer when we are not.

20. With a little care, we may find great blessings on those occasions when
our Lord, by means of afflictions, deprives us of time for prayer; and so I
found it when I had a good conscience. But my father, having that opinion of
me which he had, and because of the love he bore me, believed all I told
him; moreover, he was sorry for me; and as he had now risen to great heights
of prayer himself, he never remained with me long; for when he had seen me,
he went his way, saying that he was wasting his time. As I was wasting it in
other vanities, I cared little about this.

21. My father was not the only person whom I prevailed upon to practise
prayer, though I was walking in vanity myself. When I saw persons fond of
reciting their prayers, I showed them how to make a meditation, and helped
them and gave them books; for from the time I began myself to pray, as I
said before, [140] I always had a desire that others should serve God. I
thought, now that I did not myself serve our Lord according to the light I
had, that the knowledge His Majesty had given me ought not to be lost, and
that others should serve Him for me. [141] I say this in order to explain
the great blindness I was in: going to ruin myself, and labouring to
save others.

22. At this time, that illness befell my father of which he died; [142] it
lasted some days. I went to nurse him, being more sick in spirit than he was
in body, owing to my many vanities though not, so far as I know, to the
extent of being in mortal sin through the whole of that wretched time of
which I am speaking; for, if I knew myself to be in mortal sin, I would not
have continued in it on any account. I suffered much myself during his
illness. I believe I rendered him some service in return for what he had
suffered in mine. Though I was very ill, I did violence to myself; and
though in losing him I was to lose all the comfort and good of my life he
was all this to me I was so courageous, that I never betrayed my sorrows,
concealing them till he was dead, as if I felt none at all. It seemed as if
my very soul were wrenched when I saw him at the point of death my love for
him was so deep.

23. It was a matter for which we ought to praise our Lord the death that he
died, and the desire he had to die; so also was the advice he gave us after
the last anointing, how he charged us to recommend him to God, and to pray
for mercy for him, how he bade us serve God always, and consider how all
things come to an end. He told us with tears how sorry he was that he had
not served Him himself; for he wished he was a friar I mean, that he had
been one in the Strictest Order that is. I have a most assured conviction
that our Lord, some fifteen days before, had revealed to him he was not to
live; for up to that time, though very ill, he did not think so; but now,
though he was somewhat better, and the physicians said so, he gave no heed
to them, but employed himself in the ordering of his soul.

24. His chief suffering consisted in a most acute pain of the shoulders,
which never left him: it was so sharp at times, that it put him into great
torture. I said to him, that as he had so great a devotion to our Lord
carrying His cross on His shoulders, he should now think that His Majesty
wished him to feel somewhat of that pain which He then suffered Himself.
This so comforted him, that I do not think I heard him complain afterwards.

25. He remained three days without consciousness; but on the day he died,
our Lord restored him so completely, that we were astonished: he preserved
his understanding to the last; for in the middle of the creed, which he
repeated himself, he died. He lay there like an angel such he seemed to me,
if I may sayso, both in soul and disposition: he was very good.

26. I know not why I have said this, unless it be for the purpose of showing
how much the more I am to be blamed for my wickedness; for after seeing such
a death, and knowing what his life had been, I, in order to be in any wise
like unto such a father, ought to have grown better. His confessor, a most
learned Dominican, [143] used to say that he had no doubt he went straight
to heaven. [144] He had heard his confession for some years, and spoke with
praise of the purity of his conscience.

27. This Dominican father, who was a very good man, fearing God, did me a
very great service; for I confessed to him. He took upon himself the task of
helping my soul in earnest, and of making me see the perilous state I was
in. [145] He sent me to Communion once a fortnight; [146] and I, by degrees
beginning to speak to him, told him about my prayer. He charged me never to
omit it: that, anyhow, it could not do me anything but good. I began to
return to it though I did not cut off the occasions of sin and never
afterwards gave it up. My life became most wretched, because I learned in
prayer more and more of my faults. On one side, God was calling me; on the
other, I was following the world. All the things of God gave me great
pleasure; and I was a prisoner to the things of the world. It seemed as if I
wished to reconcile two contradictions, so much at variance one with another
as are the life of the spirit and the joys and pleasures and amusements of
sense. [147]

28. I suffered much in prayer; for the spirit was slave, and not master; and
so I was not able to shut myself up within myself that was my whole method
of prayer without shutting up with me a thousand vanities at the same time.
I spent many years in this way; and I am now astonished that any one could
have borne it without abandoning either the one or the other. I know well
that it was not in my power then to give up prayer, because He held me in
His hand Who sought me that He might show me greater mercies.

29. O my God! if I might, I would speak of the occasions from which God
delivered me, and how I threw myself into them again; and of the risks I ran
of losing utterly my good name, from which He delivered me. I did things to
show what I was; and our Lord hid the evil, and revealed some little
virtue if so be I had any and made it great in the eyes of all, so that they
always held me in much honour. For although my follies came occasionally
into light, people would not believe it when they saw other things, which
they thought good. The reason is, that He Who knoweth all things saw it was
necessary it should be so, in order that I might have some credit given me
by those to whom in after years I was to speak of His service. His supreme
munificence regarded not my great sins, but rather the desires I frequently
had to please Him, and the pain I felt because I had not the strength to
bring those desires to good effect.

30. O Lord of my soul! how shall I be able to magnify the graces which Thou,
in those years, didst bestow upon me? Oh, how, at the very time that I
offended Thee most, Thou didst prepare me in a moment, by a most profound
compunction, to taste of the sweetness of Thy consolations and mercies! In
truth, O my King, Thou didst administer to me the most delicate and painful
chastisement it was possible for me to bear; for Thou knewest well what
would have given me the most pain. Thou didst chastise my sins with great
consolations. I do not believe I am saying foolish things, though it may
well be that I am beside myself whenever I call to mind my ingratitude and
my wickedness.

31. It was more painful for me, in the state I was in, to receive graces,
when I had fallen into grievous faults, than it would have been to receive
chastisement; for one of those faults, I am sure, used to bring me low,
shame and distress me, more than many diseases, together with many heavy
trials, could have done. For, as to the latter, I saw that I deserved them;
and it seemed to me that by them I was making some reparation for my sins,
though it was but slight, for my sins are so many. But when I see myself
receive graces anew, after being so ungrateful for those already received,
that is to me and, I believe, to all who have any knowledge or love of
God a fearful kind of torment. We may see how true this is by considering
what a virtuous mind must be. Hence my tears and vexation when I reflected
on what I felt, seeing myself in a condition to fall at every moment, though
my resolutions and desires then I am speaking of that time were strong.

32. It is a great evil for a soul to be alone in the midst of such great
dangers; it seems to me that if I had had any one with whom I could have
spoken of all this, it might have helped me not to fall. I might, at least,
have been ashamed before him and yet I was not ashamed before God.

33. For this reason, I would advise those who give themselves to prayer,
particularly at first, to form friendships; and converse familiarly, with
others who are doing the same thing. It is a matter of the last importance,
even if it lead only to helping one another by prayer: how much more, seeing
that it has led to much greater gain! Now, if in their intercourse one with
another, and in the indulgence of human affections even not of the best
kind, men seek friends with whom they may refresh themselves, and for the
purpose of having greater satisfaction in speaking of their empty joys, I
know no reason why it should not be lawful for him who is beginning to love
and serve God in earnest to confide to another his joys and sorrows; for
they who are given to prayer are thoroughly accustomed to both.

34. For if that friendship with God which he desires be real, let him not be
afraid of vain-glory; and if the first movements thereof assail him, he will
escape from it with merit; and I believe that he who will discuss the matter
with this intention will profit both himself and those who hear him, and
thus will derive more light for his own understanding, as well as for the
instruction of his friends. He who in discussing his method of prayer falls
into vain- glory will do so also when he hears Mass devoutly, if he is seen
of men, and in doing other good works, which must be done under pain of
being no Christian; and yet these things must not be omitted through fear of
vain-glory.

35. Moreover, it is a most important matter for those souls who are not
strong in virtue; for they have so many people, enemies as well as friends,
to urge them the wrong way, that I do not see how this point is capable of
exaggeration. It seems to me that Satan has employed this artifice and it is
of the greatest service to him namely, that men who really wish to love and
please God should hide the fact, while others, at his suggestion, make open
show of their malicious dispositions; and this is so common, that it seems a
matter of boasting now, and the offences committed against God are thus
published abroad.

36. I do not know whether the things I am saying are foolish or not. If they
be so, your reverence will strike them out. I entreat you to help my
simplicity by adding a good deal to this, because the things that relate to
the service of God are so feebly managed, that it is necessary for those who
would serve Him to join shoulder to shoulder, if they are to advance at all;
for it is considered safe to live amidst the vanities and pleasures of the
world, and few there be who regard them with unfavourable eyes. But if any
one begins to give himself up to the service of God, there are so many to
find fault with him, that it becomes necessary for him to seek companions,
in order that he may find protection among them till he grows strong enough
not to feel what he may be made to suffer. If he does not, he will find
himself in great straits.

37. This, I believe, must have been the reason why some of the Saints
withdrew into the desert. And it is a kind of humility in man not to trust
to himself, but to believe that God will help him in his relations with
those with whom he converses; and charity grows by being diffused; and there
are a thousand blessings herein which I would not dare to speak of, if I had
not known by experience the great importance of it. It is very true that I
am the most wicked and the basest of all who are born of women; but I
believe that he who, humbling himself, though strong, yet trusteth not in
himself, and believeth another who in this matter has had experience, will
lose nothing. Of myself I may say that, if our Lord had not revealed to me
this truth, and given me the opportunity of speaking very frequently to
persons given to prayer, I should have gone on falling and rising till I
tumbled into hell. I had many friends to help me to fall; but as to rising
again, I was so much left to myself, that I wonder now I was not always on
the ground. I praise God for His mercy; for it was He only Who stretched out
His hand to me. May He be blessed for ever! Amen.
_________________________________________________________________

[129] See Way of Perfection, ch. xl.; but [131]ch. xxvii. of the former
editions.

[130] See [132]Relation, i.§ 18.

[131] A.D. 1537, when the Saint was twenty-two years old (Bouix). This
passage, therefore, must he one of the additions to the second Life; for the
first was written in 1562, twenty-five years only after the vision.

[132] See [133]ch. xxvii.§ 3.

[133] In the parlour of the monastery of the Incarnation, Avila, a painting
of this is preserved to this day (De la Fuente).

[134] [134]Ch. vi.§ 4.

[135] See Inner Fortress, v. iii.§ 1.

[136] [135]Ch. i.§ i.

[137] [136]Ch. xix.§§ 9, [137]17.

[138] See [138]§ 2, above.

[139] See [139]ch. xi.§ 23: Inner Fortress, vi. i.§ 8.

[140] [140]§ 16.

[141] See Inner Fortress, v. iii.§ 1.

[142] In 1541, when the Saint was twenty-five years of age (Bouix).

[143] F. Vicente Barron (Reforma, lib. i. ch. xv.).

[144] See [141]ch. xxxviii.§ 1.

[145] See [142]ch. xix.§ 19.

[146] The Spanish editor calls attention to this as a proof of great laxity
in those days that a nun like St. Teresa should be urged to communicate as
often as once in a fortnight.

[147] See [143]ch. xiii.§§ 7, 8.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter VIII.

The Saint Ceases Not to Pray. Prayer the Way to Recover What Is Lost. All
Exhorted to Pray. The Great Advantage of Prayer, Even to Those Who May Have
Ceased from It.

1. It is not without reason that I have dwelt so long on this portion of my
life. I see clearly that it will give no one pleasure to see anything so
base; and certainly I wish those who may read this to have me in abhorrence,
as a soul so obstinate and so ungrateful to Him Who did so much for me. I
could wish, too, I had permission to say how often at this time I failed in
my duty to God, because I was not leaning on the strong pillar of prayer. I
passed nearly twenty years on this stormy sea, falling and rising, but
rising to no good purpose, seeing that I went and fell again. My life was
one of perfection; but it was so mean, that I scarcely made any account
whatever of venial sins; and though of mortal sins I was afraid, I was not
so afraid of them as I ought to have been, because I did not avoid the
perilous occasions of them. I may say that it was the most painful life that
can be imagined, because I had no sweetness in God, and no pleasure in the
world.

2. When I was in the midst of the pleasures of the world, the remembrance of
what I owed to God made me sad; and when I was praying to God, my worldly
affections disturbed me. This is so painful a struggle, that I know not how
I could have borne it for a month, let alone for so many years.
Nevertheless, I can trace distinctly the great mercy of our Lord to me,
while thus immersed in the world, in that I had still the courage to pray. I
say courage, because I know of nothing in the whole world which requires
greater courage than plotting treason against the King, knowing that He
knows it, and yet never withdrawing from His presence; for, granting that we
are always in the presence of God, yet it seems to me that those who pray
arc in His presence in a very different sense; for they, as it were, see
that He is looking upon them; while others may be for days together without
even once recollecting that God sees them.

3. It is true, indeed, that during these years there were many months, and,
I believe, occasionally a whole year, in which I so kept guard over myself
that I did not offend our Lord, gave myself much to prayer, and took some
pains, and that successfully, not to offend Him. I speak of this now,
because all I am saying is strictly true; but I remember very little of
those good days, and so they must have been few, while my evil days were
many. Still, the days that passed over without my spending a great part of
them in prayer were few, unless I was very ill, or very much occupied.

4. When I was ill, I was well with God. I contrived that those about me
should be so, too, and I made supplications to our Lord for this grace, and
spoke frequently of Him. Thus, with the exception of that year of which I
have been speaking, during eight-and-twenty years of prayer, I spent more
than eighteen in that strife and contention which arose out of my attempts
to reconcile God and the world. As to the other years, of which I have now
to speak, in them the grounds of the warfare, though it was not slight, were
changed; but inasmuch as I was at least, I think so serving God, and aware
of the vanity of the world, all has been pleasant, as I shall show
hereafter. [148]

5. The reason, then, of my telling this at so great a length is that, as I
have just said, [149] the mercy of God and my ingratitude, on the one hand,
may become known; and, on the other, that men may understand how great is
the good which God works in a soul when He gives it a disposition to pray in
earnest, though it may not be so well prepared as it ought to be. If that
soul perseveres in spite of sins, temptations, and relapses, brought about
in a thousand ways by Satan, our Lord will bring it at last I am certain of
it to the harbour of salvation, as He has brought me myself; for so it seems
to me now. May His Majesty grant I may never go back and be lost! He who
gives himself to prayer is in possession of a great blessing, of which many
saintly and good men have written I am speaking of mental prayer glory be to
God for it; and, if they had not done so, I am not proud enough, though I
have but little humility, to presume to discuss it.

6. I may speak of that which I know by experience; and so I say, let him
never cease from prayer who has once begun it, be his life ever so wicked;
for prayer is the way to amend it, and without prayer such amendment will be
much more difficult. Let him not be tempted by Satan, as I was, to give it
up, on the pretence of humility; [150] let him rather believe that His words
are true Who says that, if we truly repent, and resolve never to offend Him,
He will take us into His favour again, [151] give us the graces He gave us
before, and occasionally even greater, if our repentance deserve it. And as
to him who has not begun to pray, I implore him by the love of our Lord not
to deprive himself of so great a good.

7. Herein there is nothing to be afraid of, but everything to hope for.
Granting that such a one does not advance, nor make an effort to become
perfect, so as to merit the joys and consolations which the perfect receive
from God, yet he will by little and little attain to a knowledge of the road
which leads to heaven. And if he perseveres, I hope in the mercy of God for
him, seeing that no one ever took Him for his friend that was not amply
rewarded; for mental prayer is nothing else, in my opinion, but being on
terms of friendship with God, frequently conversing in secret with Him Who,
we know, loves us. Now, true love and lasting friendship require certain
dispositions: those of our Lord, we know, are absolutely perfect; ours,
vicious, sensual, and thankless; and you cannot therefore, bring yourselves
to love Him as He loves you, because you have not the disposition to do so;
and if you do not love Him, yet, seeing how much it concerns you to have His
friendship, and how great is His love for you, rise above that pain you feel
at being much with Him Who is so different from you.

8. O infinite goodness of my God! I seem to see Thee and myself in this
relation to one another. O Joy of the angels! when I consider it, I wish I
could wholly die of love! How true it is that Thou endurest those who will
not endure Thee! Oh, how good a friend art Thou, O my Lord! how Thou
comfortest and endurest, and also waitest for them to make themselves like
unto Thee, and yet, in the meanwhile, art Thyself so patient of the state
they are in! Thou takest into account the occasions during which they seek
Thee, and for a moment of penitence forgettesttheir offences against
Thyself.

9. I have seen this distinctly in my own case, and I cannot tell why the
whole world does not labour to draw near to Thee in this particular
friendship. The wicked, who do not resemble Thee, ought to do so, in order
that Thou mayest make them good, and for that purpose should permit Thee to
remain with them at least for two hours daily, even though they may not
remain with Thee but, as I used to do, with a thousand distractions, and
with worldly thoughts. In return for this violence which they offer to
themselves for the purpose of remaining in a company so good as Thine for at
first they can do no more, and even afterwards at times Thou, O Lord,
defendest them against the assaults of evil spirits, whose power Thou
restrainest, and even lessenest daily, giving to them the victory over these
their enemies. So it is, O Life of all lives, Thou slayest none that put
their trust in Thee, and seek Thy friendship; yea, rather, Thou sustainest
their bodily life in greater vigour, and makest their soul to live.

10. I do not understand what there can be to make them afraid who are afraid
to begin mental prayer, nor do I know what it is they dread. The devil does
well to bring this fear upon us, that he may really hurt us by putting me in
fear, he can make me cease from thinking of my offences against God, of the
great debt I owe Him, of the existence of heaven and hell, and of the great
sorrows and trials He underwent for me. That was all my prayer, and had
been, when I was in this dangerous state, and it was on those subjects I
dwelt whenever I could; and very often, for some years, I was more occupied
with the wish to see the end of the time I had appointed for myself to spend
in prayer, and in watching the hour-glass, than with other thoughts that
were good. If a sharp penance had been laid upon me, I know of none that I
would not very often have willingly undertaken, rather than prepare myself
for prayer by self-recollection. And certainly the violence with which Satan
assailed me was so irresistible, or my evil habits were so strong, that I
did not betake myself to prayer; and the sadness I felt on entering the
oratory was so great, that it required all the courage I had to force myself
in. They say of me that my courage is not slight, and it is known that God
has given me a courage beyond that of a woman; but I have made a bad use of
it. In the end, our Lord came to my help; and then, when I had done this
violence to myself, I found greater peace and joy than I sometimes had when
I had a desire to pray.

11. If, then, our Lord bore so long with me, who was so wicked and it is
plain that it was by prayer all my evil was corrected why should any one,
how wicked soever he may be, have any fear? Let him be ever so wicked, he
will not remain in his wickedness so many years as I did, after receiving so
many graces from our Lord. Is there any one who can despair, when He bore so
long with me, only because I desired and contrived to find some place and
some opportunities for Him to be alone with me and that very often against
my will? for I did violence to myself, or rather our Lord Himself did
violence to me.

12. If, then, to those who do not serve God, but rather offend Him, prayer
be all this, and so necessary, and if no one can really find out any harm it
can do him, and if the omission of it be not a still greater harm, why,
then, should they abstain from it who serve and desire to serve God?
Certainly I cannot comprehend it, unless it be that men have a mind to go
through the troubles of this life in greater misery, and to shut the door in
the face of God, so that He shall give them no comfort in it. I am most
truly sorry for them, because they serve God at their own cost; for of those
who pray, God Himself defrays the charges, seeing that for a little trouble
He gives sweetness, in order that, by the help it supplies, they may bear
their trials.

13. But because I have much to say hereafter of this sweetness, which our
Lord gives to those who persevere in prayer, [152] I do not speak of it
here; only this will I say: prayer is the door to those great graces which
our Lord bestowed upon me. If this door be shut, I do not see how He can
bestow them; for even if He entered into a soul to take His delight therein,
and to make that soul also delight in Him, there is no way by which He can
do so; for His will is, that such a soul should be lonely and pure, with a
great desire to receive His graces. If we put many hindrances in the way,
and take no pains whatever to remove them, how can He come to us, and how
can we have any desire that He should show us His great mercies?

14. I will speak now for it is very important to understand it of the
assaults which Satan directs against a soul for the purpose of taking it,
and of the contrivances and compassion wherewith our Lord labours to convert
it to Himself, in order that men may behold His mercy, and the great good it
was for me that I did not give up prayer and spiritual reading, and that
they may be on their guard against the dangers against which I was not on my
guard myself. And, above all, I implore them for the love of our Lord, and
for the great love with which He goeth about seeking our conversion to
Himself, to beware of the occasions of sin; for once placed therein, we have
no ground to rest on so many enemies then assail us, and our own weakness is
such, that we cannot defend ourselves.

15. Oh, that I knew how to describe the captivity of my soul in those days!
I understood perfectly that I was in captivity, but I could not understand
the nature of it; neither could I entirely believe that those things which
my confessors did not make so much of were so wrong as I in my soul felt
them to be. One of them I had gone to him with a scruple told me that, even
if I were raised to high contemplation, those occasions and conversations
were not unfitting for me. This was towards the end, when, by the grace of
God, I was withdrawing more and more from those great dangers, but not
wholly from the occasions of them.

16. When they saw my good desires, and how I occupied myself in prayer, I
seemed to them to have done much; but my soul knew that this was not doing
what I was bound to do for Him to Whom I owed so much. I am sorry for my
poor soul even now, because of its great sufferings, and the little help it
had from any one except God, and for the wide door that man opened for it,
that it might go forth to its pastimes and pleasures, when they said that
these things were lawful.

17. Then there was the torture of sermons, and that not a slight one; for I
was very fond of them. If I heard any one preach well and with unction, I
felt, without my seeking it, a particular affection for him, neither do I
know whence it came. Thus, no sermon ever seemed to me so bad, but that I
listened to it with pleasure; though, according to others who heard it, the
preaching was not good. If it was a good sermon, it was to me a most special
refreshment. To speak of God, or to hear Him spoken of, never wearied me. I
am speaking of the time after I gave myself to prayer. At one time I had
great comfort in sermons, at another they distressed me, because they made
me feel that I was very far from being what I ought to have been.

18. I used to pray to our Lord for help; but, as it now seems to me, I must
have committed the fault of not putting my whole trust in His Majesty, and
of not thoroughly distrusting myself. I sought for help, took great pains;
but it must be that I did not understand how all is of little profit if we
do not root out all confidence in ourselves, and place it wholly in God. I
wished to live, but I saw clearly that I was not living, but rather
wrestling with the shadow of death; there was no one to give me life, and I
was not able to take it. He Who could have given it me had good reasons for
not coming to my aid, seeing that He had brought me back to Himself so many
times, and I as often had left Him.
_________________________________________________________________

[148] [144]Ch. ix.§ 10.

[149] [145]§ 1, above.

[150] [146]Ch. vii.§ 17; [147]ch. xix.§ 8.

[151] Ezech. xviii. 21: "Si autem impius egerit poenitentiam, . . . vita
vivet, et non morietur. Omnium iniquitatum ejus . . . non recordabor."

[152] See [148]ch. x.§ 2, and [149]ch. xi.§ 22.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter IX.

The Means Whereby Our Lord Quickened Her Soul, Gave Her Light in Her
Darkness, and Made Her Strong in Goodness.

1. My soul was now grown weary; and the miserable habits it had contracted
would not suffer it to rest, though it was desirous of doing so. It came to
pass one day, when I went into the oratory, that I saw a picture which they
had put by there, and which had been procured for a certain feast observed
in the house. It was a representation of Christ most grievously wounded; and
so devotional, that the very sight of it, when I saw it, moved me so well
did it show forth that which He suffered for us. So keenly did I feel the
evil return I had made for those wounds, that I thought my heart was
breaking. I threw myself on the ground beside it, my tears flowing
plenteously, and implored Him to strengthen me once for all, so that I might
never offend Him any more.

2. I had a very great devotion to the glorious Magdalene, and very
frequently used to think of her conversion especially when I went to
Communion. As I knew for certain that our Lord was then within me, I used to
place myself at His feet, thinking that my tears would not be despised. I
did not know what I was saying; only He did great things for me, in that He
was pleased I should shed those tears, seeing that I so soon forgot that
impression. I used to recommend myself to that glorious Saint, that she
might obtain my pardon.

3. But this last time, before that picture of which I am speaking, I seem to
have made greater progress; for I was now very distrustful of myself,
placing all my confidence in God. It seems to me that I said to Him then
that I would not rise up till He granted my petition. I do certainly believe
that this was of great service to me, because I have grown better
ever since. [153]

4. This was my method of prayer: as I could not make reflections with my
understanding, I contrived to picture Christ as within me; [154] and I used
to find myself the better for thinking of those mysteries of His life during
which He was most lonely. It seemed to me that the being alone and
afflicted, like a person in trouble, must needs permit me to come near unto
Him.

5. I did many simple things of this kind; and in particular I used to find
myself most at home in the prayer in the Garden, whither I went in His
company. I thought of the bloody sweat, and of the affliction He endured
there; I wished, if it had been possible, to wipe away that painful sweat
from His face; but I remember that I never dared to form such a
resolution my sins stood before me so grievously. I used to remain with Him
there as long as my thoughts allowed me, and I had many thoughts to torment
me. For many years, nearly every night before I fell asleep, when I
recommended myself to God, that I might sleep in peace, I used always to
think a little of this mystery of the prayer in the Garden yea, even before
I was a nun, because I had been told that many indulgences were to be gained
thereby. For my part, I believe that my soul gained very much in this way,
because I began to practise prayer without knowing what it was; and now that
it had become my constant habit, I was saved from omitting it, as I was from
omitting to bless myself with the sign of the cross before I slept.

6. And now to go back to what I was saying of the torture which my thoughts
inflicted upon me. This method of praying, in which the understanding makes
no reflections, hath this property: the soul must gain much, or lose. I
mean, that those who advance without meditation, make great progress,
because it is done by love. But to attain to this involves great labour,
except to those persons whom it is our Lord's good pleasure to lead quickly
to the prayer of quiet. I know of some. For those who walk in this way, a
book is profitable, that by the help thereof they may the more quickly
recollect themselves. It was a help to me also to look on fields, water, and
flowers. [155] In them I saw traces of the Creator I mean, that the sight of
these things was as a book unto me; it roused me, made me recollected, and
reminded me of my ingratitude and of my sins. My understanding was so dull,
that I could never represent in the imagination either heavenly or high
things in any form whatever until our Lord placed them before me in another
way. [156]

7. I was so little able to put things before me by the help of my
understanding, that, unless I saw a thing with my eyes, my imagination was
of no use whatever. I could not do as others do, who can put matters before
themselves so as to become thereby recollected. I was able to think of
Christ only as man. But so it was; and I never could form any image of Him
to myself, though I read much of His beauty, and looked at pictures of Him.
I was like one who is blind, or in the dark, who, though speaking to a
person present, and feeling his presence, because he knows for certain that
he is present I mean, that he understands him to be present, and believes
it yet does not see him. It was thus with me when I used to think of our
Lord. This is why I was so fond of images. Wretched are they who, through
their own fault, have lost this blessing; it is clear enough that they do
not love our Lord for if they loved Him, they would rejoice at the sight of
His picture, just as men find pleasure when they see the portrait of one
they love.

8. At this time, the Confessions of St. Augustine were given me. Our Lord
seems to have so ordained it, for I did not seek them myself, neither had I
ever seen them before. I had a very great devotion to St. Augustine, because
the monastery in which I lived when I was yet in the world was of his Order;
[157] and also because he had been a sinner for I used to find great comfort
in those Saints whom, after they had sinned, our Lord converted to Himself.
I thought they would help me, and that, as our Lord had forgiven them, so
also He would forgive me. One thing, however, there was that troubled me I
have spoken of it before [158] our Lord had called them but once, and they
never relapsed; while my relapses were now so many. This it was that vexed
me. But calling to mind the love that He bore me, I took courage again. Of
His mercy I never doubted once, but I did very often of myself.

9. O my God, I amazed at the hardness of my heart amidst so many succours
from Thee. I am filled with dread when I see how little I could do with
myself, and how I was clogged, so that I could not resolve to give myself
entirely to God. When I began to read the Confessions, I thought I saw
myself there described, and began to recommend myself greatly to this
glorious Saint. When I came to his conversion, and read how he heard that
voice in the garden, it seemed to me nothing less than that our Lord had
uttered it for me: I felt so in my heart. I remained for some time lost in
tears, in great inward affliction and distress. O my God, what a soul has to
suffer because it has lost the liberty it had of being mistress over itself!
and what torments it has to endure! I wonder now how I could live in
torments so great: God be praised Who gave me life, so that I might escape
from so fatal a death! I believe that my soul obtained great strength from
His Divine Majesty, and that He must have heard my cry, and had compassion
upon so many tears.

10. A desire to spend more time with Him began to grow within me, and also
to withdraw from the occasions of sin: for as soon as I had done so, I
turned lovingly to His Majesty at once. I understood clearly, as I thought,
that I loved Him; but I did not understand, as I ought to have understood
it, wherein the true love of God consists. I do not think I had yet
perfectly disposed myself to seek His service when His Majesty turned
towards me with His consolations. What others strive after with great
labour, our Lord seems to have looked out for a way to make me willing to
accept that is, in these later years to give me joy and comfort. But as for
asking our Lord to give me either these things or sweetness in devotion, I
never dared to do it; the only thing I prayed Him to give me was the grace
never to offend Him, together with the forgiveness of my great sins. When I
saw that my sins were so great, I never ventured deliberately to ask for
consolation or for sweetness. He had compassion enough upon me, I think and,
in truth, He dealt with me according to His great mercy when He allowed me
to stand before Him, and when He drew me into His presence; for I saw that,
if He had not drawn me, I should not have come at all.

11. Once only in my life do I remember asking for consolation, being at the
time in great aridities. When I considered what I had done, I was so
confounded, that the very distress I suffered from seeing how little
humility I had, brought me that which I had been so bold as to ask for. I
knew well that it was lawful to pray for it; but it seemed to me that it is
lawful only for those who are in good dispositions, who have sought with all
their might to attain to true devotion that is, not to offend God, and to be
disposed and resolved for all goodness. I looked upon those tears of mine as
womanish and weak, seeing that I did not obtain my desires by them;
nevertheless, I believe that they did me some service; for, specially after
those two occasions of great compunction and sorrow of heart, [159]
accompanied by tears, of which I am speaking, I began in an especial way to
give myself more to prayer, and to occupy myself less with those things
which did me harm though I did not give them up altogether. But God Himself,
as I have just said, came to my aid, and helped me to turn away from them.
As His Majesty was only waiting for some preparation on my part, the
spiritual graces grew in me as I shall now explain. It is not the custom of
our Lord to give these graces to any but to those who keep their consciences
in greater pureness. [160]
_________________________________________________________________

[153] In the year 1555 (Bouix).

[154] See [150]ch. iv.§ 10; [151]ch. x.§ 1.

[155] See [152]Relation, i.§ 12.

[156] See [153]ch. iv.§ 11.

[157] [154]Ch. ii.§ 8.

[158] In the [155]Prologue.

[159] [156]§ 1.

[160] [157]Ch. iv.§ 11.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter X.

The Graces She Received in Prayer. What We Can Do Ourselves. The Great
Importance of Understanding What Our Lord Is Doing for Us. She Desires Her
Confessors to Keep Her Writings Secret, Because of the Special Graces of Our
Lord to Her, Which They Had Commanded Her to Describe.

1. I used to have at times, as I have said, [161] though it used to pass
quickly away certain commencements of that which I am going now to describe.
When I formed those pictures within myself of throwing myself at the feet of
Christ, as I said before, [162] and sometimes even when I was reading, a
feeling of the presence of God would come over me unexpectedly, so that I
could in no wise doubt either that He was within me, or that I was wholly
absorbed in Him. It was not by way of vision; I believe it was what is
called mystical theology.

The soul is suspended in such a way that it seems to be utterly beside
itself. The will loves; the memory, so it seems to me, is as it were lost;
and the understanding, so I think, makes no reflections yet is not lost: as
I have just said, it is not at work, but it stands as if amazed at the
greatness of the things it understands; for God wills it to understand that
it understands nothing whatever of that which His Majesty places before it.

2. Before this, I had a certain tenderness of soul which was very abiding,
partially attainable, I believe, in some measure, by our own efforts: a
consolation which is not wholly in the senses, nor yet altogether in the
spirit, but is all of it the gift of God. However, I think we can contribute
much towards the attaining of it by considering our vileness and our
ingratitude towards God the great things He has done for us His Passion,
with its grievous pains and His life, so full of sorrows; also, by rejoicing
in the contemplation of His works, of His greatness, and of the love that He
bears us. Many other considerations there are which he who really desires to
make progress will often stumble on, though he may not be very much on the
watch for them. If with this there be a little love, the soul is comforted,
the heart is softened, and tears flow. Sometimes it seems that we do
violence to ourselves and weep; at other times, our Lord seems to do so, so
that we have no power to resist Him. His Majesty seems to reward this slight
carefulness of ours with so grand a gift as is this consolation which He
ministers to the soul of seeing itself weeping for so great a Lord. I am not
surprised; for the soul has reason enough, and more than enough, for its
joy. Here it comforts itself here it rejoices.

3. The comparison which now presents itself seems to me to be good. These
joys in prayer are like what those of heaven must be. As the vision of the
saints, which is measured by their merits there, reaches no further than our
Lord wills, and as the blessed see how little merit they had, every one of
them is satisfied with the place assigned him: there being the very greatest
difference between one joy and another in heaven, and much greater than
between one spiritual joy and another on earth which is, however, very
great. And in truth, in the beginning, a soul in which God works this grace
thinks that now it has scarcely anything more to desire, and counts itself
abundantly rewarded for all the service it has rendered Him. And there is
reason for this: for one of those tears which, as I have just said, are
almost in our own power, though without God nothing can be done cannot, in
my opinion, be purchased with all the labours of the world, because of the
great gain it brings us. And what greater gain can we have than some
testimony of our having pleased God? Let him, then, who shall have attained
to this, give praise unto God acknowledge himself to be one of His greatest
debtors; because it seems to be His will to take him into His house, having
chosen him for His kingdom, if he does not turn back.

4. Let him not regard certain kinds of humility which exist, and of which I
mean to speak. [163] Some think it humility not to believe that God is
bestowing His gifts upon them. Let us clearly understand this, and that it
is perfectly clear God bestows His gifts without any merit whatever on our
part; and let us be grateful to His Majesty for them; for if we do not
recognize the gifts received at His hands, we shall never be moved to love
Him. It is a most certain truth, that the richer we see ourselves to be,
confessing at the same time our poverty, the greater will be our progress,
and the more real our humility.

5. An opposite course tends to take away all courage; for we shall think
ourselves incapable of great blessings, if we begin to frighten ourselves
with the dread of vain-glory when our Lord begins to show His mercy upon us.
[164] Let us believe that He Who gives these gifts will also, when the devil
begins to tempt us herein, give us the grace to detect him, and the strength
to resist him that is, He will do so if we walk in simplicity before God,
aiming at pleasing Him only, and not men. It is a most evident truth, that
our love for a person is greater, the more distinctly we remember the good
he has done us.

6. If, then, it is lawful, and so meritorious, always to remember that we
have our being from God, that He has created us out of nothing, that He
preserves us, and also to remember all the benefits of His death and
Passion, which He suffered long before He made us for every one of us now
alive why should it not be lawful for me to discern, confess, and consider
often that I was once accustomed to speak of vanities, and that now our Lord
has given me the grace to speak only of Himself?

7. Here, then, is a precious pearl, which, when we remember that it is given
us, and that we have it in possession, powerfully invites us to love. All
this is the fruit of prayer founded on humility. What, then, will it be when
we shall find ourselves in possession of other pearls of greater price, such
as contempt of the world and of self, which some servants of God have
already received? It is clear that such souls must consider themselves
greater debtors under greater obligations to serve Him: we must acknowledge
that we have nothing of ourselves, and confess the munificence of our Lord,
Who, on a soul so wretched and poor, and so utterly undeserving, as mine
is, for whom the first of these pearls was enough, and more than
enough, would bestow greater riches than I could desire.

8. We must renew our strength to serve Him, and strive not to be ungrateful,
because it is on this condition that our Lord dispenses His treasures; for
if we do not make a good use of them, and of the high estate to which He
raises us, He will return and take them from us, and we shall be poorer than
ever. His Majesty will give the pearls to him who shall bring them forth and
employ them usefully for himself and others. For how shall he be useful, and
how shall he spend liberally, who does not know that he is rich? It is not
possible, I think, our nature being what it is, that he can have the courage
necessary for great things who does not know that God is on his side; for so
miserable are we, so inclined to the things of this world, that he can
hardly have any real abhorrence of, with great detachment from, all earthly
things who does not see that he holds some pledges for those things that are
above. It is by these gifts that our Lord gives us that strength which we
through our sins have lost.

9. A man will hardly wish to be held in contempt and abhorrence, nor will he
seek after the other great virtues to which the perfect attain, if he has
not some pledges of the love which God bears him, together with a living
faith. Our nature is so dead, that we go after that which we see immediately
before us; and it is these graces, therefore, that quicken and strengthen
our faith. It may well be that I, who am so wicked, measure others by
myself, and that others require nothing more than the verities of the faith,
in order to render their works most perfect; while I, wretched that I am!
have need of everything.

10. Others will explain this. I speak from my own experience, as I have been
commanded; and if what I say be not correct, let him [165] to whom I send it
destroy it; for he knows better than I do what is wrong in it. I entreat
him, for the love of our Lord, to publish abroad what I have thus far said
of my wretched life, and of my sins. I give him leave to do so; and to all
my confessors, also, of whom he is one to whom this is to be sent, if it be
their pleasure, even during my life, so that I may no longer deceive people
who think there must be some good in me. [166] Certainly, I speak in all
sincerity, so far as I understand myself. Such publication will give me
great comfort.

11. But as to that which I am now going to say, I give no such leave; nor,
if it be shown to any one, do I consent to its being said who the person is
whose experience it describes, nor who wrote it. This is why I mention
neither my own name, nor that of any other person whatever. I have written
it in the best way I could, in order not to be known; and this I beg of them
for the love of God. Persons so learned and grave as they are [167] have
authority enough to approve of whatever right things I may say, should our
Lord give me the grace to do so; and if I should say anything of the kind,
it will be His, and not mine because I am neither learned nor of good life,
and I have no person of learning or any other to teach me; for they only who
ordered me to write know that I am writing, and at this moment they are not
here. I have, as it were, to steal the time, and that with difficulty,
because my writing hinders me from spinning. I am living in a house that is
poor, and have many things to do. [168] If, indeed, our Lord had given me
greater abilities and a better memory, I might then profit by what I have
seen and read; but my abilities are very slight. If, then, I should say
anything that is right, our Lord will have it said for some good purpose;
that which may be wrong will be mine, and your reverence will strike it out.

12. In neither case will it be of any use to publish my name: during my
life, it is clear that no good I may have done ought to be told; after
death, there is no reason against it, except that it will lose all authority
and credit, because related of a person so vile and so wicked as I am. And
because I think your reverence and the others who may see this writing will
do this that I ask of you, for the love of our Lord, I write with freedom.
If it were not so, I should have great scruples, except in declaring my
sins: and in that matter I should have none at all. For the rest, it is
enough that I am a woman to make my sails droop: how much more, then, when I
am a woman, and a wicked one?

13. So, then, everything here beyond the simple story of my life your
reverence must take upon yourself since you have so pressed me to give some
account of the graces which our Lord bestowed upon me in prayer if it he
consistent with the truths of our holy Catholic faith; if it be not, your
reverence must burn it at once for I give my consent. I will recount my
experience, in order that, if it be consistent with those truths, your
reverence may make some use of it; if not, you will deliver my soul from
delusion, so that Satan may gain nothing there where I seemed to be gaining
myself. Our Lord knows well that I, as I shall show hereafter, [169] have
always laboured to find out those who could give me light.

14. How clear soever I may wish to make my account of that which relates to
prayer, it will be obscure enough for those who are without experience. I
shall speak of certain hindrances, which, as I understand it, keep men from
advancing on this road and of other things which are dangerous, as our Lord
has taught me by experience. I have also discussed the matter with men of
great learning, with persons who for many years had lived spiritual lives,
who admit that, in the twenty-seven years only during which I have given
myself to prayer though I walked so ill, and stumbled so often on the
road His Majesty granted me that experience which others attain to in
seven-and-thirty, or seven-and-forty, years; and they, too, being persons
who ever advanced in the way of penance and of virtue.

15. Blessed be God for all, and may His infinite Majesty make use of me! Our
Lord knoweth well that I have no other end in this than that He may be
praised and magnified a little, when men shall see that on a dunghill so
foul and rank He has made a garden of flowers so sweet. May it please His
Majesty that I may not by my own fault root them out, and become again what
I was before. And I entreat your reverence, for the love of our Lord, to beg
this of Him for me, seeing that you have a clearer knowledge of what I am
than you have allowed me to give of myself here.
_________________________________________________________________

[161] The Saint interrupts her history here to enter on the difficult
questions of mystical theology, and resumes it in [158]ch. xxiii.

[162] [159]Ch. ix.§ 4.

[163] [160]Ch. xxx.§§ 10 and 11.

[164] See [161]ch. xiii.§ 5.

[165] F. Pedro Ybañez, of the Order of St. Dominic.

[166] See [162]ch. xxxi.§ 17.

[167] See [163]ch. xv.§ 12.

[168] See [164]ch. xiv.§ 12.

[169] See [165]ch. xxiv.§ 5.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter XI.

Why Men Do Not Attain Quickly to the Perfect Love of God. Of Four Degrees of
Prayer. Of the First Degree. The Doctrine Profitable for Beginners, and for
Those Who Have No Sensible Sweetness.

1. I speak now of those who begin to be the servants of love; that seems to
me to be nothing else but to resolve to follow Him in the way of prayer, who
has loved us so much. It is a dignity so great, that I have a strange joy in
thinking of it; for servile fear vanishes at once, if we are, as we ought to
be, in the first degree. O Lord of my soul, and my good, how is it that,
when a soul is determined to love Thee doing all it can, by forsaking all
things, in order that it may the better occupy itself with the love of
God it is not Thy will it should have the joy of ascending at once to the
possession of perfect love? I have spoken amiss; I ought to have said, and
my complaint should have been, why is it we do not? for the fault is wholly
our own that we do not rejoice at once in a dignity so great, seeing that
the attaining to the perfect possession of this true love brings all
blessings with it.

2. We think so much of ourselves, and are so dilatory in giving ourselves
wholly to God, that, as His Majesty will not let us have the fruition of
that which is so precious but at a great cost, so neither do we perfectly
prepare ourselves for it. I see plainly that there is nothing by which so
great a good can be procured in this world. If, however, we did what we
could, not clinging to anything upon earth, but having all our thoughts and
conversation in Heaven, I believe that this blessing would quickly be given
us, provided we perfectly prepared ourselves for it at once, as some of the
saints have done. We think we are giving all to God; but, in fact, we are
offering only the revenue or the produce, while we retain the fee-simple of
the land in our own possession.

3. We resolve to become poor, and it is a resolution of great merit; but we
very often take great care not to be in want, not simply of what is
necessary, but of what is superfluous: yea, and to make for ourselves
friends who may supply us; and in this way we take more pains, and perhaps
expose ourselves to greater danger, in order that we may want nothing, than
we did formerly, when we had our own possessions in our own power.

4. We thought, also, that we gave up all desire of honour when we became
religious, or when we began the spiritual life, and followed after
perfection; and yet, when we are touched on the point of honour, we do not
then remember that we had given it up to God. We would seize it again, and
take it, as they say, out of His Hands, even after we had made Him, to all
appearance, the Lord of our own will. So is it in every thing else.

5. A pleasant way this of seeking the love of God! we retain our own
affections, and yet will have that love, as they say, by handfuls. We make
no efforts to bring our desires to good effect, or to raise them resolutely
above the earth; and yet, with all this, we must have many spiritual
consolations. This is not well, and we are seeking things that are
incompatible one with the other. So, because we do not give ourselves up
wholly and at once, this treasure is not given wholly and at once to us. May
it be the good pleasure of our Lord to give it us drop by drop, though it
may cost us all the trials in the world.

6. He showeth great mercy unto him to whom He gives the grace and resolution
to strive for this blessing with all his might; for God withholds Himself
from no one who perseveres. He will by little and little strengthen that
soul, so that it may come forth victorious. I say resolution, because of the
multitude of those things which Satan puts before it at first, to keep it
back from beginning to travel on this road; for he knoweth what harm will
befall him thereby he will lose not only that soul, but many others also. If
he who enters on this road does violence to himself, with the help of God,
so as to reach the summit of perfection, such a one, I believe, will never
go alone to Heaven; he will always take many with him: God gives to him, as
to a good captain, those who shall be of his company.

7. Thus, then, the dangers and difficulties which Satan puts before them are
so many, that they have need, not of a little, but of a very great,
resolution, and great grace from God, to save them from falling away.

8. Speaking, then, of their beginnings who are determined to follow after
this good, and to succeed in their enterprise what I began to say [170] of
mystical theology I believe they call it by that name I shall proceed with
hereafter I have to say that the labour is greatest at first; for it is they
who toil, our Lord, indeed, giving them strength. In the other degrees of
prayer, there is more of fruition; although they who are in the beginning,
the middle, and the end, have their crosses to carry: the crosses, however,
are different. They who would follow Christ, if they do not wish to be lost,
must walk in the way He walked Himself. Blessed labours! even here, in this
life, so superabundantly rewarded!

9. I shall have to make use of a comparison; I should like to avoid it,
because I am a woman, and write simply what I have been commanded. But this
language of spirituality is so difficult of utterance for those who are not
learned, and such am I. I have therefore to seek for some means to make the
matter plain. It may be that the comparison will very rarely be to the
purpose your reverence will be amused when you see my stupidity. I think,
now, I have either read or heard of this comparison; but as my memory is
bad, I know not where, nor on what occasion; however, I am satisfied with it
for my present purpose. [171]

10. A beginner must look upon himself as making a garden, wherein our Lord
may take His delight, but in a soil unfruitful, and abounding in weeds. His
Majesty roots up the weeds, and has to plant good herbs. Let us, then, take
for granted that this is already done when a soul is determined to give
itself to prayer, and has begun the practice of it. We have, then, as good
gardeners, by the help of God, to see that the plants grow, to water them
carefully, that they may not die, but produce blossoms, which shall send
forth much fragrance, refreshing to our Lord, so that He may come often for
His pleasure into this garden, and delight Himself in the midst of these
virtues.

11. Let us now see how this garden is to be watered, that we may understand
what we have to do: how much trouble it will cost us, whether the gain be
greater than the trouble, or how long a time it will take us. It seems to me
that the garden may be watered in four ways: by water taken out of a well,
which is very laborious; or with water raised by means of an engine and
buckets, drawn by a windlass I have drawn it this way sometimes it is a less
troublesome way than the first, and gives more water; or by a stream or
brook, whereby the garden is watered in a much better way for the soil is
more thoroughly saturated, and there is no necessity to water it so often,
and the labour of the gardener is much less; or by showers of rain, when our
Lord Himself waters it, without labour on our part and this way is
incomparably better than all the others of which I have spoken.

12. Now, then, for the application of these four ways of irrigation by which
the garden is to be maintained; for without water it must fail. The
comparison is to my purpose, and it seems to me that by the help of it I
shall be able to explain, in some measure, the four degrees of prayer to
which our Lord, of His goodness, has occasionally raised my soul. May He
graciously grant that I may so speak as to be of some service to one of
those who has commanded me to write, whom our Lord has raised in four months
to a greater height than I have reached in seventeen years! He prepared
himself better than I did, and therefore is his garden without labour on his
part, irrigated by these four waters though the last of them is only drop by
drop; but it is growing in such a way, that soon, by the help of our Lord,
he will be swallowed up therein, and it will be a pleasure to me, if he
finds my explanation absurd, that he should laugh at it.

13. Of those who are beginners in prayer, we may say, that they are those
who draw the water up out of the well a process which, as I have said, is
very laborious; for they must be wearied in keeping the senses recollected,
and this is a great labour, because the senses have been hitherto accustomed
to distractions. It is necessary for beginners to accustom themselves to
disregard what they hear or see, and to put it away from them during the
time of prayer; they must be alone, and in retirement think over their past
life. Though all must do this many times, beginners as well as those more
advanced; all, however, must not do so equally, as I shall show hereafter.
[172] Beginners at first suffer much, because they are not convinced that
they are penitent for their sins; and yet they are, because they are so
sincerely resolved on serving God. They must strive to meditate on the life
of Christ, and the understanding is wearied thereby. Thus far we can advance
of ourselves that is, by the grace of God for without that, as every one
knows, we never can have one good thought.

14. This is beginning to draw water up out of the well. God grant there may
be water in it! That, however, does not depend on us; we are drawing it, and
doing what we can towards watering the flowers. So good is God, that when,
for reasons known to His Majesty perhaps for our greater good it is His will
the well should be dry, He Himself preserves the flowers without water we,
like good gardeners, doing what lies in our power and makes our virtues
grow. By water here I mean tears, and if there be none, then tenderness and
an inward feeling of devotion.

15. What, then, will he do here who sees that, for many days, he is
conscious only of aridity, disgust, dislike, and so great an unwillingness
to go to the well for water, that he would give it up altogether, if he did
not remember that he has to please and serve the Lord of the garden; if he
did not trust that his service was not in vain, and did not hope for some
gain by a labour so great as that of lowering the bucket into the well so
often, and drawing it up without water in it? It will happen that he is
often unable to move his arms for that purpose, or to have one good thought:
working with the understanding is drawing water out of the well.

16. What, then, once more, will the gardener do now? He must rejoice and
take comfort, and consider it as the greatest favour to labour in the garden
of so great an Emperor; and as he knows that he is pleasing Him in the
matter and his purpose must not be to please himself, but Him let him praise
Him greatly for the trust He has in him for He sees that, without any
recompense, he is taking so much care of that which has been confided to
him; let him help Him to carry the Cross, and let him think how He carried
it all His life long; let him not seek his kingdom here, nor ever intermit
his prayer; and so let him resolve, if this aridity should last even his
whole life long, never to let Christ fall down beneath the Cross. [173]

17. The time will come when he shall be paid once for all. Let him have no
fear that his labour is in vain: he serves a good Master, Whose eyes are
upon him. Let him make no account of evil thoughts, but remember that Satan
suggested them to St. Jerome also in the desert. [174] These labours have
their reward, I know it; for I am one who underwent them for many years.
When I drew but one drop of water out of this blessed well, I considered it
was a mercy of God. I know these labours are very great, and require, I
think, greater courage than many others in this world; but I have seen
clearly that God does not leave them without a great recompense, even in
this life; for it is very certain that in one hour, during which our Lord
gave me to taste His sweetness, all the anxieties which I had to bear when
persevering in prayer seem to me ever afterwards perfectly rewarded.

18. I believe that it is our Lord's good pleasure frequently in the
beginning, and at times in the end, to send these torments, and many other
incidental temptations, to try those who love Him, and to ascertain if they
will drink the chalice, [175] and help Him to carry the Cross, before He
intrusts them with His great treasures. I believe it to be for our good that
His Majesty should lead us by this way, so that we may perfectly understand
how worthless we are; for the graces which He gives afterwards are of a
dignity so great, that He will have us by experience know our wretchedness
before He grants them, that it may not be with us as it was with Lucifer.

19. What canst Thou do, O my Lord, that is not for the greater good of that
soul which Thou knowest to be already Thine, and which gives itself up to
Thee to follow Thee whithersoever Thou goest, even to the death of the
Cross; and which is determined to help Thee to carry that Cross, and not to
leave Thee alone with it? He who shall discern this resolution in himself
has nothing to fear: no, no; spiritual people have nothing to fear. There is
no reason why he should be distressed who is already raised to so high a
degree as this is of wishing to converse in solitude with God, and to
abandon the amusements of the world. The greater part of the work is done;
give praise to His Majesty for it, and trust in His goodness who has never
failed those who love Him. Close the eyes of your imagination, and do not
ask why He gives devotion to this person in so short a time, and none to me
after so many years. Let us believe that all is for our greater good; let
His Majesty guide us whithersoever He will: we are not our own, but His. He
shows us mercy enough when it is His pleasure we should be willing to dig in
His garden, and to be so near the Lord of it: He certainly is near to us. If
it be His will that these plants and flowers should grow some of them when
He gives water we may draw from the well, others when He gives none what is
that to me? Do Thou, O Lord, accomplish Thy will; let me never offend Thee,
nor let my virtues perish; if Thou hast given me any, it is out of Thy mere
goodness. I wish to suffer, because Thou, O Lord, hast suffered; do Thou in
every way fulfil Thy will in me, and may it never be the pleasure of Thy
Majesty that a gift of so high a price as that of Thy love, be given to
people who serve Thee only because of the sweetness they find thereby.

20. It is much to be observed, and I say so because I know by experience,
that the soul which, begins to walk in the way of mental prayer with
resolution, and is determined not to care much, neither to rejoice nor to be
greatly afflicted, whether sweetness and tenderness fail it, or our Lord
grants them, has already travelled a great part of the road. Let that soul,
then, have no fear that it is going back, though it may frequently stumble;
for the building is begun on a firm foundation. It is certain that the love
of God does not consist in tears, nor in this sweetness and tenderness which
we for the most part desire, and with which we console ourselves; but rather
in serving Him in justice, fortitude, and humility. That seems to me to be a
receiving rather than a giving of anything on our part.

21. As for poor women, such as I am, weak and infirm of purpose, it seems to
me to be necessary that I should be led on through consolations, as God is
doing now, so that I might be able to endure certain afflictions which it
has pleased His Majesty I should have. But when the servants of God, who are
men of weight, learning, and sense, make so much account, as I see they do,
whether God gives them sweetness in devotion or not, I am disgusted when I
listen to them. I do not say that they ought not to accept it, and make much
of it, when God gives it because, when He gives it, His Majesty sees it to
be necessary for them but I do say that they ought not to grow weary when
they have it not. They should then understand that they have no need of it,
and be masters of themselves, when His Majesty does not give it. Let them be
convinced of this, there is a fault here; I have had experience of it, and
know it to be so. Let them believe it as an imperfection: they are not
advancing in liberty of spirit, but shrinking like cowards from the assault.

22. It is not so much to beginners that I say this though I do insist upon
it, because it is of great importance to them that they should begin with
this liberty and resolution as to others, of whom there are many, who make a
beginning, but never come to the end; and that is owing, I believe, in great
measure, to their not having embraced the Cross from the first. They are
distressed, thinking they are doing nothing; the understanding ceases from
its acts, and they cannot bear it. Yet, perhaps, at that very time, the will
is feeding and gathering strength, and they know it not.

23. We must suppose that our Lord does not regard these things; for though
they seem to us to be faults, yet they are not. His Majesty knoweth our
misery and natural vileness better than we do ourselves. He knoweth that
these souls long to be always thinking of Him and loving Him. It is this
resolution that He seeks in us; the other anxieties which we inflict upon
ourselves serve to no other end but to disquiet the soul which, if it be
unable to derive any profit in one hour, will by them be disabled for four.
This comes most frequently from bodily indisposition I have had very great
experience in the matter, and I know it is true; for I have carefully
observed it and discussed it afterwards with spiritual persons for we are so
wretched, that this poor prisoner of a soul shares in the miseries of the
body. The changes of the seasons, and the alterations of the humours, very
often compel it, without fault of its own, not to do what it would, but
rather to suffer in every way. Meanwhile, the more we force the soul on
these occasions, the greater the mischief, and the longer it lasts. Some
discretion must be used, in order to ascertain whether ill-health be the
occasion or not. The poor soul must not be stifled. Let those who thus
suffer understand that they are ill; a change should be made in the hour of
prayer, and oftentimes that change should be continued for some days. Let
souls pass out of this desert as they can, for it is very often the misery
of one that loves God to see itself living in such wretchedness, unable to
do what it would, because it has to keep so evil a guest as the body.

24. I spoke of discretion, because sometimes the devil will do the same
work; and so it is not always right to omit prayer when the understanding is
greatly distracted and disturbed, nor to torment the soul to the doing of
that which is out of its power. There are other things then to be
done exterior works, as of charity and spiritual reading though at times the
soul will not be able to do them. Take care, then, of the body, for the love
of God, because at many other times the body must serve the soul; and let
recourse be had to some recreations holy ones such as conversation, or going
out into the fields, as the confessor shall advise. Altogether, experience
is a great matter, and it makes us understand what is convenient for us. Let
God be served in all things His yoke is sweet; [176] and it is of great
importance that the soul should not be dragged, as they say, but carried
gently, that it may make greater progress.

25. So, then, I come back to what I advised before [177] and though I
repeat it often, it matters not; it is of great importance that no one
should distress himself on account of aridities, or because his thoughts are
restless and distracted; neither should he be afflicted thereat, if he would
attain to liberty of spirit, and not be always in trouble. Let him begin by
not being afraid of the Cross, and he will see how our Lord will help him to
carry it, how joyfully he will advance, and what profit he will derive from
it all. It is now clear, if there is no water in the well, that we at least
can put none into it. It is true we must not be careless about drawing it
when there is any in it, because at that time it is the will of God to
multiply our virtues by means thereof.
_________________________________________________________________

[170] [166]Ch. x.§ 1.

[171] 2. Vide St. Bernard, in Cantic. Serm. 30. n. 7, ed. Ben.

[172] [167]Ch. xiii.§ 23.

[173] See [168]ch. xv.§ 17.

[174] Epist. 22, ad Eustochium: "O quoties ego ipse in eremo constitutus, et
in illa vasta solitudine quæ exusta solis ardoribus horridum monachis
præstat habitaculum putabam me Romanis interesse deliciis. Sedebam
solus. . . Horrebant sacco membra deformia. . . . Ille igitur ego, qui ob
Gehennæ metum tali me carcere damnaveram, scorpionum tantum socius et
ferarum, sæpe choris intereram puellarum, pallebant ora jejuniis, et mens
desideriis æstuabat in frigido corpore, et ante hominem sua jam carne
præmortuum sola libidinum incendia bulliebant."

[175] St. Matt. xx. 22: "Potestis bibere calicem?"

[176] St. Matt. xi. 30: "Jugum enim meum suave est."

[177] [169]§ 18.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter XII.

What We Can Ourselves Do. The Evil of Desiring to Attain to Supernatural
States Before Our Lord Calls Us.

1. My aim in the foregoing chapter though I digressed to many other matters,
because they seemed to me very necessary was to explain how much we may
attain to of ourselves; and how, in these beginnings of devotion, we are
able in some degree to help ourselves: because thinking of, and pondering
on, the sufferings of our Lord for our sakes moves us to compassion, and the
sorrow and tears which result therefrom are sweet. The thought of the
blessedness we hope for, of the love our Lord bore us, and of His
resurrection, kindle within us a joy which is neither wholly spiritual nor
wholly sensual; but the joy is virtuous, and the sorrow is most meritorious.

2. Of this kind are all those things which produce a devotion acquired in
part by means of the understanding, though it can neither be merited nor
had, if God grants it not. It is best for a soul which God has not raised to
a higher state than this not to try to rise of itself. Let this be well
considered, because all the soul will gain in that way will be a loss. In
this state it can make many acts of good resolutions to do much for God, and
enkindle its love; other acts also, which may help the growth of virtues,
according to that which is written in a book called The Art of Serving God,
[178] a most excellent work, and profitable for those who are in this state,
because the understanding is active now.

3. The soul may also place itself in the presence of Christ, and accustom
itself to many acts of love directed to His sacred Humanity, and remain in
His presence continually, and speak to Him, pray to Him in its necessities,
and complain to Him of its troubles; be merry with Him in its joys, and yet
not forget Him because of its joys. All this it may do without set prayers,
but rather with words befitting its desires and its needs.

4. This is an excellent way whereby to advance, and that very quickly. He
that will strive to have this precious companionship, and will make much of
it, and will sincerely love our Lord, to whom we owe so much, is one, in my
opinion, who has made some progress. There is therefore no reason why we
should trouble ourselves because we have no sensible devotion, as I said
before. [179] But let us rather give thanks to our Lord, who allows us to
have a desire to please Him, though our works be poor. This practice of the
presence of Christ is profitable in all states of prayer, and is a most safe
way of advancing in the first state, and of attaining quickly to the second;
and as for the last states, it secures us against those risks which the
devil may occasion.

5. This, then, is what we can do. He who would pass out of this state, and
upraise his spirit, in order to taste consolations denied him, will, in my
opinion, lose both the one and the other. [180] These consolations being
supernatural, and the understanding inactive, the soul is then left desolate
and in great aridity. As the foundation of the whole building is humility,
the nearer we draw unto God the more this virtue should grow; if it does
not, everything is lost. It seems to be a kind of pride when we seek to
ascend higher, seeing that God descends so low, when He allows us, being
what we are, to draw near unto Him.

6. It must not be supposed that I am now speaking of raising our thoughts to
the consideration of the high things of heaven and of its glory, or unto God
and His great wisdom. I never did this myself, because I had not the
capacity for it as I said before; [181] and I was so worthless, that, as to
thinking even of the things of earth, God gave me grace to understand this
truth: that in me it was no slight boldness to do so. How much more, then,
the thinking of heavenly things? Others, however, will profit in that way,
particularly those who are learned; for learning, in my opinion, is a great
treasury in the matter of this exercise, if it be accompanied with humility.
I observed this a few days ago in some learned men who had shortly before
made a beginning, and had made great progress. This is the reason why I am
so very anxious that many learned men may become spiritual. I shall speak of
this by and by. [182]

7. What I am saying namely, let them not rise if God does not raise them is
the language of spirituality. He will understand me who has had any
experience; and I know not how to explain it, if what I have said does not
make it plain.

8. In mystical theology of which I spoke before [183] the understanding
ceases from its acts, because God suspends it as I shall explain by and by,
if I can; [184] and God give me the grace to do so. We must neither imagine
nor think that we can of ourselves bring about this suspension. That is what
I say must not be done; nor must we allow the understanding to cease from
its acts; for in that case we shall be stupid and cold, and the result will
be neither the one nor the other. For when our Lord suspends the
understanding, and makes it cease from its acts, He puts before it that
which astonishes and occupies it: so that without making any reflections, it
shall comprehend in a moment [185] more than we could comprehend in many
years with all the efforts in the world.

9. To have the powers of the mind occupied, and to think that you can keep
them at the same time quiet, is folly. I repeat it, though it be not so
understood, there is no great humility in this; and, if it be blameless, it
is not left unpunished it is labour thrown away, and the soul is a little
disgusted: it feels like a man about to take a leap, and is held back. Such
a one seems to have used up his strength already, and finds himself unable
to do that which he wished to have done: so here, in the scanty gain that
remains, he who will consider the matter will trace that slight want of
humility of which I have spoken; [186] for that virtue has this excellence:
there is no good work attended by humility that leaves the soul disgusted.
It seems to me that I have made this clear enough; yet, after all, perhaps
only for myself. May our Lord open their eyes who read this, by giving them
experience; and then however slight that experience may be, they will
immediately understand it.

10. For many years I read much, and understood nothing; and for a long time,
too, though God gave me understanding herein, I never could utter a word by
which I might explain it to others. This was no little trouble to me. When
His Majesty pleases, He teaches everything in a moment, so that I am lost in
wonder. One thing I can truly say: though I conversed with many spiritual
persons, who sought to make me understand what our Lord was giving me, in
order that I might be able to speak of it, the fact is, that my dulness was
so great, that I derived no advantage whatever, much or little, from
their teaching.

11. Or it may be, as His Majesty has always been my Master may He be blessed
for ever! for I am ashamed of myself that I can say so with truth that it
was His good pleasure I should meet with no one to whom I should be indebted
in this matter. So, without my wishing or asking it I never was careful
about this, for that would have been a virtue in me, but only about
vanity God gave me to understand with all distinctness in a moment, and also
enabled me to express myself, so that my confessors were astonished but I
more than they, because I knew my own dulness better. It is not long since
this happened. And so that which our Lord has not taught me, I seek not to
know it, unless it be a matter that touches my conscience.

12. Again I repeat my advice: it is of great moment not to raise our spirit
ourselves, if our Lord does not raise it for us; and if He does, there can
be no mistaking it. For women, it is specially wrong, because the devil can
delude them though I am certain our Lord will never allow him to hurt any
one who labours to draw near unto God in humility. On the contrary, such a
one will derive more profit and advantage out of that attack by which Satan
intended to hurt him.

13. I have dwelt so long upon this matter because this way of prayer is the
most common with beginners, and because the advice I have given is very
important. It will be found much better given elsewhere: that I admit; and I
admit, also, that in writing it I am ashamed of myself, and covered with
confusion though not so much so as I ought to be. Blessed for ever be our
Lord, of whose will and pleasure it is that I am allowed, being what I am,
to speak of things which are His, of such a nature, and so deep.
_________________________________________________________________

[178] Arte de servir a Dios, by Rodrigue de Solis, friar of the Augustinian
Order (Bouix). Arte para servir a Dios, by Fra. Alonso de Madrid (De la
Fuente).

[179] [170]Ch. xi.§§ 20, [171]25.

[180] That is, he will lose the prayer of acquired quiet, because he
voluntarily abandons it before the time; and will not attain to the prayer
of infused quiet, because he attempts to rise into it before he is called
(Francis. de Sancto Thoma, Medulla Mystica, tr. iv. ch. xi. n. 69).

[181] [172]Ch. iv.§ 10.

[182] [173]Ch. xxxiv.§ 9.

[183] [174]Ch. x.§ 1.

[184] [175]Ch. xvi.§ 4.

[185] "En un credo."

[186] [176]§ 5.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter XIII.

Of Certain Temptations of Satan. Instructions Relating Thereto.

1. I have thought it right to speak of certain temptations I have observed
to which beginners are liable some of them I have had myself and to give
some advice about certain things which to me seem necessary. In the
beginning, then, we should strive to be cheerful and unconstrained; for
there are people who think it is all over with devotion if they relax
themselves ever so little. It is right to be afraid of self; so that, having
no confidence in ourselves, much or little, we may not place ourselves in
those circumstances wherein men usually sin against God; for it is a most
necessary fear, till we become very perfect in virtue. And there are not
many who are so perfect as to be able to relax themselves on those occasions
which offer temptations to their natural temper; for always while we live,
were it only to preserve humility, it is well we should know our own
miserable nature; but there are many occasions on which it is permitted
us as I said just now [187] to take some recreation, in order that we may
with more vigour resume our prayer.

2. Discretion is necessary throughout. We must have great confidence;
because it is very necessary for us not to contract our desires, but put our
trust in God; for, if we do violence to ourselves by little and little, we
shall, though not at once, reach that height which many Saints by His grace
have reached. If they had never resolved to desire, and had never by little
and little acted upon that resolve, they never could have ascended to so
high a state.

3. His Majesty seeks and loves courageous souls; but they must be humble in
their ways, and have no confidence in themselves. I never saw one of those
lag behind on the road; and never a cowardly soul, though aided by humility,
make that progress in many years which the former makes in a few. I am
astonished at the great things done on this road by encouraging oneself to
undertake great things, though we may not have the strength for them at
once; the soul takes a flight upwards and ascends high, though, like a
little bird whose wings are weak, it grows weary and rests.

4. At one time I used often to think of those words of St. Paul: "That all
things are possible in God." [188] I saw clearly that of myself I could do
nothing. This was of great service to me. So also was the saying of St.
Augustine: "Give me, O Lord, what Thou commandest, and command what Thou
wilt." [189] I was often thinking how St. Peter lost nothing by throwing
himself into the sea, though he was afterwards afraid. [190] These first
resolutions are a great matter although it is necessary in the beginning
that we should be very reserved, controlled by the discretion and authority
of a director; but we must take care that he be one who does not teach us to
crawl like toads, nor one who may be satisfied when the soul shows itself
fit only to catch lizards. Humility must always go before: so that we may
know that this strength can come out of no strength of our own.

5. But it is necessary we should understand what manner of humility this
should be, because Satan, I believe, does great harm; for he hinders those
who begin to pray from going onwards, by suggesting to them false notions of
humility. He makes them think it is pride to have large desires, to wish to
imitate the Saints, and to long for martyrdom. He tells us forthwith, or he
makes us think, that the actions of the Saints are to be admired, not to be
imitated, by us who are sinners. I, too, say the same thing; but we must see
what those actions are which we are to admire, and what those are which we
are to imitate; for it would be wrong in a person who is weak and sickly to
undertake much fasting and sharp penances to retire into the desert, where
he could not sleep, nor find anything to eat; or, indeed, to undertake any
austerities of this kind.

6. But we ought to think that we can force ourselves, by the grace of God,
to hold the world in profound contempt to make light of honour, and be
detached from our possessions. Our hearts, however, are so mean that we
think the earth would fail us under our feet, if we were to cease to care
even for a moment for the body, and give ourselves up to spirituality. Then
we think that to have all we require contributes to recollection, because
anxieties disturb prayer. It is painful to me that our confidence in God is
so scanty, and our self-love so strong, as that any anxiety about our own
necessities should disturb us. But so it is; for when our spiritual progress
is so slight, a mere nothing will give us as much trouble as great and
important matters will give to others. And we think ourselves spiritual!

7. Now, to me, this way of going on seems to betray a disposition to
reconcile soul and body together, in order that we may not miss our ease in
this world, and yet have the fruition of God in the next; and so it will be
if we walk according to justice, clinging to virtue; but it is the pace of a
hen it will never bring us to liberty of spirit. It is a course of
proceeding, as it seems to me, most excellent for those who are in the
married state, and who must live according to their vocation; but for the
other state, I by no means wish for such a method of progress, neither can I
be made to believe it to be sound; for I have tried it, and I should have
remained in that way, if our Lord in His goodness had not taught me another
and a shorter road.

8. Though, in the matter of desires, I always had generous ones; but I
laboured, as I said before, [191] to make my prayer, and, at the same time,
to live at my ease. If there had been any one to rouse me to a higher
flight, he might have brought me, so I think, to a state in which these
desires might have had their effects; but, for our sins, so few and so rare
are they whose discretion in that matter is not excessive. That, I believe,
is reason enough why those who begin do not attain more quickly to great
perfection; for our Lord never fails us, and it is not His fault; the fault
and the wretchedness of this being all our own.

9. We may also imitate the Saints by striving after solitude and silence,
and many other virtues that will not kill these wretched bodies of ours,
which insist on being treated so orderly, that they may disorder the soul;
and Satan, too, helps much to make them unmanageable. When he sees us a
little anxious about them, he wants nothing more to convince us that our way
of life must kill us, and destroy our health; even if we weep, he makes us
afraid of blindness. I have passed through this, and therefore I know it;
but I know of no better sight or better health that we can desire, than the
loss of both in such a cause. Being myself so sickly, I was always under
constraint, and good for nothing, till I resolved to make no account of my
body nor of my health; even now I am worthless enough.

10. But when it pleased God to let me find out this device of Satan, I used
to say to the latter, when he suggested to me that I was ruining my health,
that my death was of no consequence; when he suggested rest, I replied that
I did not want rest, but the Cross. His other suggestions I treated in the
same way. I saw clearly that in most things, though I was really very
sickly, it was either a temptation of Satan, or a weakness on my part. My
health has been much better since I have ceased to look after my ease and
comforts. It is of great importance not to let our own thoughts frighten us
in the beginning, when we set ourselves to pray. Believe me in this, for I
know it by experience. As a warning to others, it may be that this story of
my failures may be useful.

11. There is another temptation, which is very common: when people begin to
have pleasure in the rest and the fruit of prayer, they will have everybody
else be very spiritual also. Now, to desire this is not wrong, but to try to
bring it about may not be right, except with great discretion and with much
reserve, without any appearance of teaching. He who would do any good in
this matter ought to be endowed with solid virtues, that he may not put
temptation in the way of others. It happened to me that is how I know
it when, as I said before, [192] I made others apply themselves to prayer,
to be a source of temptation and disorder; for, on the one hand, they heard
me say great things of the blessedness of prayer, and, on the other, saw how
poor I was in virtue, notwithstanding my prayer. They had good reasons on
their side, and afterwards they told me of it; for they knew not how these
things could be compatible one with the other. This it was that made them
not to regard that as evil which was really so in itself, namely, that they
saw me do it myself, now and then, during the time that they thought well of
me in some measure.

12. This is Satan's work: he seems to take advantage of the virtues we may
have, for the purpose of giving a sanction, so far as he can, to the evil he
aims at; how slight soever that evil may be, his gain must be great, if it
prevail in a religious house. How much, then, must his gain have been, when
the evil I did was so very great! And thus, during many years, only three
persons were the better for what I said to them; but now that our Lord has
made me stronger in virtue, in the course of two or three years many persons
have profited, as I shall show hereafter. [193]

13. There is another great inconvenience in addition to this: the loss to
our own soul; for the utmost we have to do in the beginning is to take care
of our own soul only, and consider that in the whole world there is only God
and our soul. This is a point of great importance.

14. There is another temptation we ought to be aware of it, and be cautious
in our conduct: persons are carried away by a zeal for virtue, through the
pain which the sight of the sins and failings of others occasions them.
Satan tells them that this pain arises only out of their desire that God may
not be offended, and out of their anxiety about His honour; so they
immediately seek to remedy the evil. This so disturbs them, that they cannot
pray. The greatest evil of all is their thinking this an act of virtue, of
perfection, and of a great zeal for God. I am not speaking of the pain which
public sins occasion, if they be habitual in any community, nor of wrongs
done to the Church, nor of heresies by which so many souls are visibly lost;
for this pain is most wholesome, and being wholesome is no source of
disquiet. The security, therefore, of that soul which would apply itself to
prayer lies in casting away from itself all anxiety about persons and
things, in taking care of itself, and in pleasing God. This is the most
profitable course.

15. If I were to speak of the mistakes which I have seen people make, in
reliance on their own good intentions, I should never come to an end. Let us
labour, therefore, always to consider the virtues and the good qualities
which we discern in others, and with our own great sins cover our eyes, so
that we may see none of their failings. This is one way of doing our work;
and though we may not be perfect in it at once, we shall acquire one great
virtue we shall look upon all men as better than ourselves; and we begin to
acquire that virtue in this way, by the grace of God, which is necessary in
all things for when we have it not, all our endeavours are in vain and by
imploring Him to give us this virtue; for He never fails us, if we do what
we can.

16. This advice, also, they must take into their consideration who make much
use of their understanding, eliciting from one subject many thoughts and
conceptions. As to those who, like myself, cannot do it, I have no advice to
give, except that they are to have patience, until our Lord shall send them
both matter and light; for they can do so little of themselves, that their
understanding is a hindrance to them rather than a help.

17. To those, then, who can make use of their understanding, I say that they
are not to spend the whole time in that way; for though it be most
meritorious, yet they must not, when prayer is sweet, suppose that there
never will be a Sunday or a time when no work ought to be done. They think
it lost time to do otherwise; but I think that loss their greatest gain. Let
them rather, as I have said, [194] place themselves in the presence of
Christ, and, without fatiguing the understanding, converse with Him, and in
Him rejoice, without wearying themselves in searching out reasons; but let
them rather lay their necessities before Him, and the just reasons there are
why He should not suffer us in His presence: at one time this, at another
time that, lest the soul should be wearied by always eating of the same
food. These meats are most savoury and wholesome, if the palate be
accustomed to them; they will furnish a great support for the life of the
soul, and they have many other advantages also.

18. I will explain myself further; for the doctrine of prayer is difficult,
and, without a director, very hard to understand. Though I would willingly
be concise, and though a mere hint is enough for his clear intellect who has
commanded me to write on the subject of prayer, yet so it is, my dulness
does not allow me to say or explain in a few words that which it is so
important to explain well. I, who have gone through so much, am sorry for
those who begin only with books; for there is a strange difference between
that which we learn by reading, and that which we learn by experience.

19. Going back, then, to what I was saying. We set ourselves to meditate
upon some mystery of the Passion: let us say, our Lord at the pillar. The
understanding goeth about seeking for the sources out of which came the
great dolours and the bitter anguish which His Majesty endured in that
desolation. It considers that mystery in many lights, which the intellect,
if it be skilled in its work, or furnished with learning, may there obtain.
This is a method of prayer which should be to everyone the beginning, the
middle, and the end: a most excellent and safe way, until our Lord shall
guide them to other supernatural ways.

20. I say to all, because there are many souls who make greater progress by
meditation on other subjects than on the Sacred Passion; for as there are
many mansions in heaven, so there are also many roads leading thither. Some
persons advance by considering themselves in hell, others in heaven and
these are distressed by meditations on hell. Others meditate on death; some
persons, if tender-hearted, are greatly fatigued by continual meditations on
the Passion; but are consoled and make progress when they meditate on the
power and greatness of God in His creatures, and on His love visible in all
things. This is an admirable method not omitting, however, from time to
time, the Passion and Life of Christ, the Source of all good that ever came,
and that ever shall come.

21. He who begins is in need of instruction, whereby he may ascertain what
profits him most. For this end it is very necessary he should have a
director, who ought to be a person of experience; for if he be not, he will
make many mistakes, and direct a soul without understanding its ways, or
suffering it to understand them itself; for such a soul, knowing that
obedience to a director is highly meritorious, dares not transgress the
commandments it receives. I have met with souls cramped and tormented,
because he who directed them had no experience: that made me sorry for them.
Some of them knew not what to do with themselves; for directors who do not
understand the spirit of their penitents afflict them soul and body, and
hinder their progress. [195]

22. One person I had to do with had been kept by her director for eight
years, as it were, in prison; he would not allow her to quit the subject of
self-knowledge; and yet our Lord had already raised her to the prayer of
quiet; so she had much to suffer.

23. Although this matter of self-knowledge must never be put aside for there
is no soul so great a giant on this road but has frequent need to turn back,
and be again an infant at the breast; and this must never be forgotten. I
shall repeat it, [196] perhaps, many times, because of its great
importance for among all the states of prayer, however high they may be,
there is not one in which it is not often necessary to go back to the
beginning. The knowledge of our sins, and of our own selves, is the bread
which we have to eat with all the meats, however delicate they may be, in
the way of prayer; without this bread, life cannot be sustained, though it
must be taken by measure. When a soul beholds itself resigned, and clearly
understands that there is no goodness in it when it feels itself abashed in
the presence of so great a King, and sees how little it pays of the great
debt it owes Him why should it be necessary for it to waste its time on this
subject? Why should it not rather proceed to other matters which our Lord
places before it, and for neglecting which there is no reason? His Majesty
surely knows better than we do what kind of food is proper for us.

24. So, then, it is of great consequence that the director should be
prudent I mean, of sound understanding and a man of experience. If, in
addition to this, he is a learned man, it is a very great matter. But if
these three qualities cannot be had together, the first two are the most
important, because learned men may be found with whom we can communicate
when it is necessary. I mean, that for beginners learned men are of little
use, if they are not men of prayer. I do not say that they are to have
nothing to do with learned men, because a spirituality, the foundations of
which are not resting on the truth, I would rather were not accompanied with
prayer. Learning is a great thing, for it teaches us who know so little, and
enlightens us; so when we have come to the knowledge of the truths contained
in the holy writings, we do what we ought to do. From silly devotions, God
deliver us!

25. I will explain myself further, for I am meddling, I believe, with too
many matters. It has always been my failing that I could never make myself
understood as I said before [197] but at the cost of many words. A nun
begins to practise prayer; if her director be silly, and if he should take
it into his head, he will make her feel that it is better for her to obey
him than her own superior. He will do all this without any evil purpose,
thinking that he is doing right. For if he be not a religious himself, he
will think this right enough. If his penitent be a married woman, he will
tell her that it is better for her to give herself unto prayer, when she
ought to attend to her house, although she may thereby displease her
husband. And so it is, he knows not how to make arrangements for time and
business, so that everything may be done as it ought to be done; he has no
light himself, and can therefore give none to others, however much he may
wish to do so.

26. Though learning does not seem necessary for discretion, my opinion has
always been, and will be, that every Christian should continue to be guided
by a learned director if he can, and the more learned the better. They who
walk in the way of prayer have the greater need of learning; and the more
spiritual they are the greater is that need. Let them not say that learned
men not given to prayer are not fit counsellors for those who pray: that is
a delusion. I have conversed with many; and now for some years I have sought
them the more, because of my greater need of them. I have always been fond
of them; for though some of them have no experience, they do not dislike
spirituality, neither are they ignorant of what it is, because in the sacred
writings with which they are familiar they always find the truth about
spirituality. I am certain myself that a person given to prayer, who treats
of these matters with learned men, unless he is deceived with his own
consent, will never be carried away by any illusions of the devil. I believe
that the evil spirits are exceedingly afraid of learned men who are humble
and virtuous, knowing that they will be found out and defeated by them.

27. I have said this because there are opinions held to the effect that
learned men, if they are not spiritual, are not suited for persons given to
prayer. I have just said that a spiritual director is necessary; but if he
be not a learned man, he is a great hindrance. It will help us much if we
consult those who are learned, provided they be virtuous; even if they be
not spiritual, they will be of service to me, and God will enable them to
understand what they should teach; He will even make them spiritual, in
order that they may help us on. I do not say this without having had
experience of it; and I have met with more than two.

28. I say, then, that a person who shall resign his soul to be wholly
subject to one director will make a great mistake, if he is in religion,
unless he finds a director of this kind, because of the obedience due to his
own superior. His director may be deficient in the three requisites I speak
of, [198] and that will be no slight cross, without voluntarily subjecting
the understanding to one whose understanding is none of the best. At least,
I have never been able to bring myself to do it, neither does it seem to me
to be right.

29. But if he be a person living in the world, let him praise God for the
power he has of choosing whom he will obey, and let him not lose so
excellent a liberty; yea, rather let him be without a director till he finds
him for our Lord will give him one, if he is really humble, and has a desire
to meet with the right person. I praise God greatly we women, and those who
are unlearned, ought always to render Him unceasing thanks because there are
persons who, by labours so great, have attained to the truth, of which we
unlearned people are ignorant. I often wonder at learned men particularly
those who are in religion when I think of the trouble they have had in
acquiring that which they communicate to me for my good, and that without
any more trouble to me than the asking for it. And yet there are people who
will not take advantage of their learning: God grant it may not be so!

30. I see them undergo the poverty of the religious life, which is great,
together with its penances, its meagre food, the yoke of obedience, which
makes me ashamed of myself at times; and with all this, interrupted sleep,
trials everywhere, everywhere the Cross. I think it would be a great evil
for any one to lose so great a good by his own fault. It may be some of us,
who are exempted from these burdens who have our food put into our mouths,
as they say, and live at our ease may think, because we give ourselves a
little more to prayer, that we are raised above the necessity of such great
hardships. Blessed be Thou, O Lord, who hast made me so incapable and so
useless; but I bless Thee still more for this that Thou quickenest so many
to quicken us. Our prayer must therefore be very earnest for those who give
us light. What should we be without them in the midst of these violent
storms which now disturb the Church? If some have fallen, the good will
shine more and more. [199] May it please our Lord to hold them in His hand,
and help them, that they may help us.

31. I have gone far away from the subject I began to speak of; but all is to
the purpose for those who are beginners, that they may begin a journey which
is so high in such a way as that they shall go on by the right road. Coming
back, then, to what I spoke of before, [200] the meditation on Christ bound
to the pillar, it is well we should make reflections for a time, and
consider the sufferings He there endured, for whom He endured them, who He
is who endured them, and the love with which He bore them. But a person
should not always fatigue himself in making these reflections, but rather
let him remain there with Christ, in the silence of the understanding.

32. If he is able, let him employ himself in looking upon Christ, who is
looking upon him; let him accompany Him, and make his petitions to Him; let
him humble himself, and delight himself in Christ, and keep in mind that he
never deserved to be there. When he shall be able to do this, though it may
be in the beginning of his prayer, he will find great advantage; and this
way of prayer brings great advantages with it at least, so my soul has found
it. I do not know whether I am describing it aright; you, my father, will
see to it. May our Lord grant me to please Him rightly for ever! Amen.
_________________________________________________________________

[187] [177]Ch. xi.§ 24.

[188] Philipp. iv. 13; "Omnia possum in Eo."

[189] Confess. x. ch. 29: "Da quod jubes, et jube quod vis."

[190] St. Matt. xiv. 30: "Videns vero ventum validum, timuit."

[191] [178]Ch. vii.§§ 27, [179]31.

[192] [180]Ch. vii.§ 16.

[193] See [181]ch. xxxi.§ 7, and [182]ch. xxxix.§ 14.

[194] [183]Ch. xii.§ 3.

[195] See St. John of the Cross, Living Flame, pp. 267, 278“284, Engl.
trans.

[196] See [184]ch. xv.§ 20.

[197] [185]§ 18.

[198] Prudence, experience, and learning; see [186]§ 24.

[199] Dan. xii. 3: "Qui autem docti fuerint, fulgebunt quasi
splendor firmamenti."

[200] [187]§ 19.
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Chapter XIV.

The Second State of Prayer. Its Supernatural Character.

1. Having spoken of the toilsome efforts and of the strength required for
watering the garden when we have to draw the water out of the well, let us
now speak of the second manner of drawing the water, which the Lord of the
vineyard has ordained; of the machine of wheel and buckets whereby the
gardener may draw more water with less labour, and be able to take some rest
without being continually at work. This, then, is what I am now going to
describe; and I apply it to the prayer called the prayer of quiet.

2. Herein the soul begins to be recollected; it is now touching on the
supernatural for it never could by any efforts of its own attain to this.
True, it seems at times to have been wearied at the wheel, labouring with
the understanding, and filling the buckets; but in this second degree the
water is higher, and accordingly the labour is much less than it was when
the water had to be drawn up out of the well; I mean, that the water is
nearer to it, for grace reveals itself more distinctly to the soul.

3. This is a gathering together of the faculties of the soul within itself,
in order that it may have the fruition of that contentment in greater
sweetness; but the faculties are not lost, neither are they asleep: the will
alone is occupied in such a way that, without knowing how it has become a
captive, it gives a simple consent to become the prisoner of God; for it
knows well what is to be the captive of Him it loves. O my Jesus and my
Lord, how pressing now is Thy love! [201] It binds our love in bonds so
straitly, that it is not in its power at this moment to love anything else
but Thee.

4. The other two faculties help the will, that it may render itself capable
of the fruition of so great a good; nevertheless, it occasionally happens,
even when the will is in union, that they hinder it very much: but then it
should never heed them at all, simply abiding in its fruition and quiet.
[202] For if it tried to make them recollected, it would miss its way
together with them, because they are at this time like doves which are not
satisfied with the food the master of the dovecot gives them without any
labouring for it on their part, and which go forth in quest of it elsewhere,
and so hardly find it that they come back. And so the memory and the
understanding come and go, seeking whether the will is going to give them
that into the fruition ofwhich it has entered itself.

5. If it be our Lord's pleasure to throw them any food, they stop; if not,
they go again to seek it. They must be thinking that they are of some
service to the will; and now and then the memory or the imagination, seeking
to represent to it that of which it has the fruition, does it harm. The
will, therefore, should be careful to deal with them as I shall explain.
Everything that takes place now in this state brings the very greatest
consolation; and the labour is so slight, that prayer, even if persevered in
for some time, is never wearisome. The reason is, that the understanding is
now working very gently, and is drawing very much more water than it drew
out of the well. The tears, which God now sends, flow with joy; though we
feel them, they are not the result of any efforts of our own.

6. This water of grand blessings and graces, which our Lord now supplies,
makes the virtues thrive much more, beyond all comparison, than they did in
the previous state of prayer; for the soul is already ascending out of its
wretched state, and some little knowledge of the blissfulness of glory is
communicated to it. This, I believe, is it that makes the virtues grow the
more, and also to draw nearer to essential virtue, God Himself, from Whom
all virtues proceed; for His Majesty has begun to communicate Himself to
this soul, and will have it feel how He is communicating Himself.

7. As soon as the soul has arrived thus far, it begins to lose the desire of
earthly things, [203] and no wonder; for it sees clearly that, even for a
moment, this joy is not to be had on earth; that there are no riches, no
dominion, no honours, no delights, that can for one instant, even for the
twinkling of an eye, minister such a joy; for it is a true satisfaction, and
the soul sees that it really does satisfy. Now, we who are on earth, as it
seems to me, scarcely ever understand wherein our satisfaction lies, for it
is always liable to disappointment; but in this, at that time, there is
none: the disappointment cometh afterwards, when the soul sees that all is
over, and that it has no power to recover it, neither does it know how; for
if it cut itself in pieces by penance and prayer, and every other kind of
austerities, all would be of little use, if our Lord did not grant it. God,
in His great mercy, will have the soul comprehend that His Majesty is so
near to it, that it need not send messengers to Him, but may speak to Him
itself, and not with a loud crying, because so near is He already, that He
understands even the movements of its lips.

8. It seems absurd to say this, seeing that we know that God understands us
always, and is present with us. It is so, and there can be no doubt of it;
but our Emperor and Lord will have us now understand that He understands us;
and also have us understand what His presence bringeth about, and that He
means in a special way to begin a work in the soul, which is manifested in
the great joy, inward and outward, which He communicates, and in the
difference there is, as I said just now, between this joy and delight and
all the joys of earth; for He seems to be filling up the void in our souls
occasioned by our sins.

9. This satisfaction lies in the innermost part of the soul, and the soul
knows not whence, nor how, it came, very often it knows not what to do, or
wish, or pray for. It seems to find all this at once, and knoweth not what
it hath found; nor do I know how to explain it, because learning is
necessary for many things. Here, indeed, learning would be very much to the
purpose, in order to explain the general and particular helps of grace; for
there are many who know nothing about them. Learning would serve to show how
our Lord now will have the soul to see, as it were, with the naked eye, as
men speak, this particular help of grace, and be also useful in many other
ways wherein I am likely to go astray. But as what I write is to be seen by
those who have the learning to discover whether I make mistakes or not, I go
on without anxiety; for I know I need have none whatever about either the
letter or the spirit, because it is in their power to whom it is to be sent
to do with it as they will: they will understand it, and blot out whatever
may be amiss.

10. I should like them to explain this, because it is a principal point, and
because a soul, when our Lord begins to bestow these graces upon it, does
not understand them, and does not know what to do with itself; for if God
leads it by the way of fear, as He led me, its trial will be heavy, if there
be no one who understands the state it is in; and to see itself as in a
picture is a great comfort; and then it sees clearly that it is travelling
on that road. The knowledge of what it has to do is a great blessing for it,
so that it may advance forwards in every one of these degrees of prayer; for
I have suffered greatly, and lost much time, because I did not know what to
do; and I am very sorry for those souls who find themselves alone when they
come to this state; for though I read many spiritual books, wherein this
very matter is discussed, they threw very little light upon it. And if it be
not a soul much exercised in prayer, it will find it enough to understand
its state, be the books ever so clear.

11. I wish much that our Lord would help me to describe the effects on the
soul of these things, now that they begin to be supernatural, so that men
might know by these effects whether they come from the Spirit of God. I
mean, known as things are known here below though it is always well to live
in fear, and on our guard; for even if they do come from God, now and then
the devil will be able to transform himself into an angel of light; [204]
and the soul, if not experienced herein, will not understand the matter; and
it must have so much experience for the understanding thereof, that it is
necessary it should have attained to the highest perfection of prayer.

12. The little time I have helps me but little, and it is therefore
necessary His Majesty should undertake it Himself; for I have to live in
community, and have very many things to employ me, as I am in a house which
is newly founded as will appear hereafter; [205] and so I am writing, with
very many interruptions, by little and little at a time. I wish I had
leisure; for when our Lord gives the spirit, it is more easily and better
done; it is then as with a person working embroidery with the pattern before
her; but if the spirit be wanting, there is no more meaning in the words
than in gibberish, so to speak, though many years may have been spent in
prayer. And thus I think it a very great advantage to be in this state of
prayer when I am writing this; for I see clearly that it is not I who speak,
nor is it I who with her understanding has arranged it; and afterwards I do
not know how I came to speak so accurately. [206] It has often happened to
me thus.

13. Let us now return to our orchard, or flower-garden, and behold now how
the trees begin to fill with sap for the bringing forth of the blossoms, and
then of the fruit the flowers and the plants, also, their fragrance. This
illustration pleases me; for very often, when I was beginning and our Lord
grant that I have really begun to serve His Majesty I mean, begun in
relation to what I have to say of my life, it was to me a great joy to
consider my soul as a garden, and our Lord as walking in it. I used to
beseech Him to increase the fragrance of the little flowers of virtues which
were beginning, as it seemed to bud and preserve them, that they might be to
His glory; for I desired nothing for myself. I prayed Him to cut those He
liked, because I already knew that they would grow the better.

14. I say cut; for there are times in which the soul has no recollection of
this garden everything seems parched, and there is no water to be had for
preserving it and in which it seems as if the soul had never possessed any
virtue at all. This is the season of heavy trials; for our Lord will have
the poor gardener suppose all the trouble he took in maintaining and
watering the garden to have been taken to no purpose. Then is the time
really for weeding and rooting out every plant, however small it may be,
that is worthless, in the knowledge that no efforts of ours are sufficient,
if God withholds from us the waters of His grace; and in despising ourselves
as being nothing, and even less than nothing.

In this way we gain great humility the flowers grow afresh.

15. O my Lord and my Good! I cannot utter these words without tears, and
rejoicing in my soul; for Thou wilt be thus with us, and art with us, in the
Sacrament. We may believe so most truly; for so it is, and the comparison I
make is a great truth; and, if our sins stand not in the way, we may rejoice
in Thee, because Thou rejoicest in us; for Thou hast told us that Thy
delight is to be with the children of men. [207] O my Lord, what does it
mean? Whenever I hear these words, they always give me great consolation,
and did so even when I was most wicked.

16. Is it possible, Lord, that there can be a soul which, after attaining to
this state wherein Thou bestowest upon it the like graces and consolations,
and wherein it understands that Thou delightest to be with it, can yet fall
back and offend Thee after so many favours, and such great demonstrations of
the love Thou bearest it, and of which there cannot be any doubt, because
the effect of it is so visible? Such a soul there certainly is; for I have
done so, not once, but often. May it please Thy goodness, O Lord, that I may
be alone in my ingratitude the only one who has committed so great an
iniquity, and whose ingratitude has been so immeasurable! But even out of my
ingratitude Thine infinite goodness has brought forth some good; and the
greater my wickedness, the greater the splendour of the great mercy of Thy
compassions. Oh, what reasons have I to magnify them for ever!

17. May it be so, I beseech Thee, O my God, and may I sing of them for ever,
now that Thou hast been pleased to show mercies so great unto me that they
who see them are astonished, mercies which draw me out of myself
continually, that I may praise Thee more and more! for, remaining in myself,
without Thee, I could do nothing, O my Lord, but be as the withered flowers
of the garden; so that this miserable earth of mine becomes a heap of
refuse, as it was before. Let it not be so, O Lord! let not a soul which
Thou hast purchased with so many labours be lost, one which Thou hast so
often ransomed anew, and delivered from between the teeth of the
hideous dragon!

18. You, my father, must forgive me for wandering from the subject; and, as
I am speaking to the purpose I have in view, you must not be surprised. What
I write is what my soul has understood; and it is very often hard enough to
abstain from the praises of God when, in the course of writing, the great
debt I owe Him presents itself before me. Nor do I think that it can be
disagreeable to you; because both of us, I believe, may sing the same song,
though in a different way; for my debt is much the greater, seeing that God
has forgiven me more, as you, my father, know.
_________________________________________________________________

[201] 2 Cor. v. 14: "Charitas enim Christi urget nos."

[202] See [188]ch. xvii.§ 12; Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but [189]xxxi.
of the old editions.

[203] See [190]Relation, i.§ 12.

[204] 2 Cor. xi. 14: "Ipse enim Satanas transfigurat se in angelum lucis."

[205] See [191]ch. x.§ 11. As that passage refers probably to the monastery
of the Incarnation, this must refer to that of St. Joseph, newly founded in
Avila; for that of the Incarnation was founded a short time before the Saint
was born; and she could hardly say of it, now that she was at least in her
forty-seventh year, that it was newly founded. The house, however, was poor;
for she says, [192]ch. xxxii.§ 12, that the nuns occasionally quitted the
monastery for a time, because of its poverty.

[206] See [193]ch. xviii.§ 10. In the second Report of the Rota, p.
477 quoted by Benedict XIV., De Canoniz. iii. 26, n. 12, and by the
Bollandists in the Acta, 1315 we have these words, and they throw great
light on the text: "Sunt et alli testes de visu affirmantes quod quando
beata Teresa scribebat libros, facies ejus resplendebat." In the information
taken in Granada, the Mother Anne of the Incarnation says she saw the Saint
one night, while writing the Fortress of the Soul, with her face shining;
and Mary of St. Francis deposes to the same effect in the informations taken
in Medina (De la Fuente, vol. ii. pp. 389, 392).

[207] Prov. viii. 31: "Deliciæ meæ esse cum filiis hominum."
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Chapter XV.

Instructions for Those Who Have Attained to the Prayer of Quiet. Many
Advance So Far, But Few Go Farther.

1. Let us now go back to the subject. This quiet and recollection of the
soul makes itself in great measure felt in the satisfaction and peace,
attended with very great joy and repose of the faculties, and most sweet
delight, wherein the soul is established. [208] It thinks, because it has
not gone beyond it, that there is nothing further to wish for, but that its
abode might be there, and it would willingly say so with St. Peter. [209] It
dares not move nor stir, because it thinks that this blessing it has
received must then escape out of its hands; now and then, it could wish it
did not even breathe. [210] The poor little soul is not aware that, as of
itself it could do nothing to draw down this blessing on itself, it is still
less able to retain it a moment longer than our Lord wills it should remain.

2. I have already said that, in the prior recollection and quiet, [211]
there is no failure of the powers of the soul; but the soul is so satisfied
in God that, although two of its powers be distracted, yet, while the
recollection lasts, as the will abides in union with God, so its peace and
quiet are not disturbed; on the contrary, the will by degrees brings the
understanding and the memory back again; for though the will is not yet
altogether absorbed, it continues still occupied without knowing how, so
that, notwithstanding all the efforts of the memory and the understanding,
they cannot rob it of its delight and joy [212] yea, rather, it helps
without any labour at all to keep this little spark of the love of God from
being quenched.

3. Oh, that His Majesty would be gracious unto me, and enable me to give a
clear account of the matter; for many are the souls who attain to this
state, and few are they who go farther: and I know not who is in fault; most
certainly it is not God; for when His Majesty shows mercy unto a soul, so
that it advances so far, I believe that He will not fail to be more merciful
still, if there be no shortcomings on our part.

4. And it is of great importance for the soul that has advanced so far as
this to understand the great dignity of its state, the great grace given it
by our Lord, and how in all reason it should not belong to earth; because
He, of His goodness, seems to make it here a denizen of heaven, unless it be
itself in fault. And miserable will that soul be if it turns back; it will
go down, I think so, even to the abyss, as I was going myself, if the mercy
of our Lord had not brought me back; because, for the most part, it must be
the effect of grave faults that is my opinion: nor is it possible to forsake
so great a good otherwise than through the blindness occasioned by
much evil.

5. Therefore, for the love of our Lord, I implore those souls to whom His
Majesty has given so great a grace the attainment of this state to know and
make much of themselves, with a humble and holy presumption, in order that
they may never return to the flesh-pots of Egypt. And if through weakness
and wickedness, and a mean and wretched nature, they should fall, as I did,
let them always keep in mind the good they have lost; let them suspect and
fear they have reason to do so that, if they do not resume their prayer,
they may go on from bad to worse. I call that a real fall which makes us
hate the way by which so great a good was obtained. I address myself to
those souls; but I am not saying that they will never offend God, nor fall
into sin, though there are good reasons why those who have received these
graces should keep themselves carefully from sin; but we are miserable
creatures. What I earnestly advise is this: let there be no giving up of
prayer; it is by prayer they will understand what they are doing, and obtain
from our Lord the grace to repent, and strength to rise again; they must
believe and believe again that, if they cease from praying, they run so I
think into danger. I know not if I understand what I am saying; for, as I
said before, I measure others by myself. [213]

6. The prayer of quiet, then, is a little spark of the true love of Himself,
which our Lord begins to enkindle in the soul; and His will is, that the
soul should understand what this love is by the joy it brings. This quiet
and recollection and little spark, if it is the work of the Spirit of God,
and not a sweetness supplied by Satan, or brought about by ourselves,
produces great results. A person of experience, however, cannot possibly
fail to understand at once that it is not a thing that can be acquired, were
it not that our nature is so greedy of sweetness, that it seeks for it in
every way. But it becomes cold very soon; for, however much we try to make
the fire burn, in order to obtain this sweetness, it does not appear that we
do anything else but throw water on it, to put it out. This spark, then,
given of God, however slight it may be, causes a great crackling; and if men
do not quench it by their faults, it is the beginning of the great fire,
which sends forth I shall speak of it in the proper place [214] the flames
of that most vehement love of God which His Majesty will have perfect souls
to possess.

7. This little spark is a sign or pledge which God gives to a soul, in token
of His having chosen it for great things, if it will prepare to receive
them. It is a great gift, much too great for me to be able to speak of it.
It is a great sorrow to me; because, as I said before, [215] I know that
many souls come thus far, and that those who go farther, as they ought to
go, are so few, that I am ashamed to say it. I do not mean that they are
absolutely few: there must be many, because God is patient with us, for some
reasons; I speak of what I have seen.

8. I should like much to recommend these souls to take care that they do not
hide their talent; for it may be that God has chosen them to be the
edification of many others, especially in these days, when the friends of
God should be strong, in order that they may support the weak. Those who
discern in themselves this grace, must look upon themselves as such friends,
if they would fulfil the law which even the honourable friendship of the
world respects; if not, as I said just now, [216] let them fear and tremble,
lest they should be doing mischief to themselves and God grant it be to
themselves only!

9. What the soul has to do at those seasons wherein it is raised to the
prayer of quiet is nothing more than to be gentle and without noise. By
noise, I mean going about with the understanding in search of words and
reflections whereby to give God thanks for this grace, and heaping up its
sins and imperfections together to show that it does not deserve it. All
this commotion takes place now, and the understanding comes forward, and the
memory is restless, and certainly to me these powers bring much weariness at
times; for, though my memory is not strong, I cannot control it. Let the
will quietly and wisely understand that it is not by dint of labour on our
part that we can converse to any good purpose with God, and that our own
efforts are only great logs of wood, laid on without discretion to quench
this little spark; and let it confess this, and in humility say, O Lord,
what can I do here? what has the servant to do with her Lord, and earth with
heaven? or words of love that suggest themselves now, firmly grounded in the
conviction that what it says is truth; and let it make no account of the
understanding, which is simply tiresome.

10. And if the will wishes to communicate to the understanding any portion
of that the fruition of which itself has entered on, or if it labours to
make the understanding recollected, it shall not succeed; for it will often
happen that the will is in union and at rest, while the understanding is in
extreme disorder. It is better for it to leave it alone, and not to run
after it I am speaking of the will; for the will should abide in the
fruition of that grace, recollected itself, like the prudent bee; for if no
bees entered the hive, and each of them wandered abroad in search of the
rest, the honey would hardly be made. In the same way, the soul will lose
much if it be not careful now, especially if the understanding be acute; for
when it begins to make reflections and search for reasons, it will think at
once that it is doing something if its reasons and reflections are good.

11. The only reason that ought to be admitted now is to understand clearly
that there is no reason whatever, except His mere goodness, why God should
grant us so great a grace, and to be aware that we are so near Him, and to
pray to His Majesty for mercies, to make intercession for the Church, for
those who had been recommended to us, and for the souls in purgatory, not,
however, with noise of words, but with a heartfelt desire to be heard. This
is a prayer that contains much, and by it more is obtained than by many
reflections of the understanding. Let the will stir up some of those
reasons, which proceed from reason itself, to quicken its love, such as the
fact of its being in a better state, and let it make certain acts of love,
as what it will do for Him to whom it owes so much, and that, as I said just
now, without any noise of the understanding, in the search after profound
reflections. A little straw, and it will be less than straw, if we bring it
ourselves, laid on with humility, will be more effectual here, and will help
to kindle a fire more than many fagots of most learned reasons, which, in my
opinion, will put it out in a moment.

12. This is good for those learned men who have commanded me to write, [217]
and who all, by the goodness of God, have come to this state; for it may be
that they spend the time in making applications of passages of the
Scriptures. And though learning could not fail to be of great use to them,
both before and after prayer, still, in the very time of prayer itself,
there is little necessity for it, in my opinion, unless it be for the
purpose of making the will tepid; for the understanding then, because of its
nearness to the light, is itself illuminated; so that even I, who am what I
am, seem to be a different person. And so it is; for it has happened to me,
who scarcely understand a word of what I read in Latin, and specially in the
Psalms, when in the prayer of quiet, not only to understand the Latin as if
it were Spanish, but, still more, to take a delight in dwelling on the
meaning of that I knew through the Spanish. We must make an exception: if
these learned men have to preach or to teach, they will do well to take
advantage of their learning, that they may help poor people of little
learning, of whom I am one. Charity is a great thing; and so always is
ministering unto souls, when done simply for God.

13. So, then, when the soul is in the prayer of quiet, let it repose in its
rest let learning be put on one side. The time will come when they may make
use of it in the service of our Lord when they that possess it will
appreciate it so highly as to be glad that they had not neglected it even
for all the treasures of the world, simply because it enables them to serve
His Majesty; for it is a great help. But in the eyes of Infinite Wisdom,
believe me, a little striving after humility, and a single act thereof, are
worth more than all the science in the world. This is not the time for
discussing, but for understanding plainly what we are, and presenting
ourselves in simplicity before God, who will have the soul make itself as a
fool as, indeed, it is in His presence, seeing that His Majesty so humbles
Himself as to suffer it to be near Him, we being what we are.

14. Moreover, the understanding bestirs itself to make its thanksgiving in
phrases well arranged; but the will, in peace, not daring to lift up its
eyes with the publican, [218] makes perhaps a better act of thanksgiving
than the understanding, with all the tropes of its rhetoric. In a word,
mental prayer is not to be abandoned altogether now, nor even vocal prayer,
if at any time we wish, or can, to make use of either of them; for if the
state of quiet be profound, it becomes difficult to speak, and it can be
done only with great pain.

15. I believe myself that we know whether this proceeds from the Spirit of
God, or is brought about by endeavours of our own, in the commencement of
devotion which God gives; and we seek of ourselves, as I said before, [219]
to pass onwards to this quiet of the will. Then, no effect whatever is
produced; it is quickly over, and aridity is the result. If it comes from
Satan, the practised soul, in my opinion, will detect it, because it leaves
trouble behind, and scant humility and poor dispositions for those effects
which are wrought if it comes from God; it leaves neither light in the
understanding nor steadiness in the truth. [220]

16. Here Satan can do little or no harm, if the soul directs unto God the
joy and sweetness it then feels; and if it fixes the thoughts and desires on
Him, according to the advice already given, the devil can gain nothing
whatever on the contrary, by the permission of God, he will lose much by
that very joy which he causes in the soul, because that joy will help the
soul, inasmuch as it thinks the joy comes from God, to betake itself often
to prayer in its desire for it. And if the soul is humble, indifferent to,
and detached from, all joy, however spiritual, and if it loves the cross, it
will make no account of the sweetness which Satan sends. But it cannot so
deal with that which comes from the Spirit of God; of that it will make
much. Now, when Satan sends it, as he is nothing but a lie, and when he sees
that the soul humbles itself through that joy and sweetness and here, in all
things relating to prayer and sweetness, we must be very careful to
endeavour to make ourselves humble, Satan will not often repeat his work,
when he sees that he loses by it.

17. For this and for many other reasons, when I was speaking of the first
degree of prayer, and of the first method of drawing the water, [221] I
insisted upon it that the great affair of souls is, when they begin to pray,
to begin also to detach themselves from every kind of joy, and to enter on
it resolved only on helping to carry the cross of Christ like good soldiers,
willing to serve their King without present pay, because they are sure of it
at last, having their eyes directed to the true and everlasting kingdom at
the conquest of which we are aiming.

18. It is a very great matter to have this always before our eyes,
especially in the beginning; afterwards, it becomes so clear, that it is
rather a matter of necessity to forget it, in order to live on. Now,
labouring to keep in mind that all things here below are of short duration,
that they are all nothing, that the rest we have here is to be accounted as
none, all this, I say, seems to be exceedingly low; and so, indeed, it
is, because those who have gone on to greater perfection would look upon it
as a reproach, and be ashamed of themselves, if they thought that they were
giving up the goods of this world because they are perishable, or that they
would not be glad to give them up for God even if they were to last for
ever. The greater the perfection of these persons, the greater their joy,
and the greater also would that joy be if the duration of these worldly
goods were greater.

19. In these persons, thus far advanced, love is already grown, and love is
that which does this work. But as to beginners, to them it is of the utmost
importance, and they must not regard this consideration as unbecoming, for
the blessings to be gained are great, and that is why I recommend it so much
to them; for they will have need of it even those who have attained to great
heights of prayer at certain times, when God will try them, and when His
Majesty seems to have forsaken them.

20. I have said as much already, and I would not have it forgotten, [222] in
this our life on earth, the growth of the soul is not like that of the body.
We, however, so speak of it and, in truth, it does grow. A youth that is
grown up, whose body is formed, and who is become a man, does not ungrow,
nor does his body lessen in size; but as to the soul, it so is by our Lord's
will, so far as I have seen it in my own experience, but I know nothing of
it in any other way. It must be in order to humble us for our greater good,
and to keep us from being careless during our exile; seeing that he who has
ascended the higher has the more reason to be afraid, and to be less
confident in himself. A time may come when they whose will is so wrapt up in
the will of God and who, rather than fall into a single imperfection, would
undergo torture and suffer a thousand deaths will find it necessary, if they
would be delivered from offending God, and from the commission of sin, to
make use of the first armour of prayer, to call to mind how everything is
coming to an end, that there is a heaven and a hell, and to make use of
other reflections of that nature, when they find themselves assailed by
temptations and persecutions.

21. Let us go back to what I was saying. The great source of our deliverance
from the cunning devices and the sweetness which Satan sends is to begin
with a resolution to walk in the way of the Cross from the very first, and
not to desire any sweetness at all, seeing that our Lord Himself has pointed
out to us the way of perfection, saying, "Take up thy cross and follow Me."
[223] He is our example; and whosoever follows His counsels only to please
Him has nothing to fear. In the improvement which they detect in themselves,
they who do so will see that this is no work of Satan and if they fall, they
have a sign of the presence of our Lord in their rising again at once. They
have other signs, also, of which I am going to speak.

22. When it is the work of the Spirit of God, there is no necessity for
going about searching for reasons, on the strength of which we may elicit
acts of humility and of shame, because our Lord Himself supplies them in a
way very different from that by which we could acquire them by our own poor
reflections, which are as nothing in comparison with that real humility
arising out of the light which our Lord here gives us, and which begets a
confusion of face that undoes us. The knowledge with which God supplies us,
in order that we may know that of ourselves we have no good in us, is
perfectly apprehended and the more perfectly, the greater the graces. It
fills us with a great desire of advancing in prayer, and of never giving it
up, whatever troubles may arise. The soul offers to suffer everything. A
certain security, joined with humility and fear concerning our salvation,
casts out servile fear at once from the soul, and in its place plants a
loyal fear [224] of more perfect growth. [225] There is a visible beginning
of a love of God, utterly divested of all self-interest, together with a
longing after seasons of solitude, in order to obtain a greater fruition of
this good.

23. In short, not to weary myself, it is the beginning of all good; the
flowers have so thriven, that they are on the point of budding. And this the
soul sees most clearly, and it is impossible to persuade it now that God was
not with it, till it turns back upon itself, and beholds its own failings
and imperfections. Then it fears for everything; and it is well it should do
so though there are souls whom the certain conviction that God is with them
benefits more than all the fear they may ever have. If a soul love greatly,
and is thankful naturally, the remembrance of the mercies of God makes it
turn to Him more effectually than all the chastisements of hell it can ever
picture to itself at least, it was so with me, though I am so wicked.

24. As I shall speak at greater length of the signs of a good spirit [226]
it has cost me much labour to be clear about them I do not treat of them
here. I believe, too, that, with the help of God, I shall be able to speak
somewhat to the point, because setting aside the experience I have had, and
by which I learned much I have had the help of some most learned men and
persons of great holiness, whom we may reasonably believe in the matter.
Souls, therefore, are not to weary themselves so much as I did, when, by the
goodness of our Lord, they may have come to this state.
_________________________________________________________________

[208] See Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but [194]ch. xxxii of the old
edition.

[209] St. Matt. xvii. 4: "Bonum est nos hic esse."

[210] See [195]ch. xvii.§ 6.

[211] [196]Ch. x.§ 1.

[212] [197]Ch. xiv.§§ 3, 4.

[213] [198]Ch. x.§ 9.

[214] [199]Ch. xviii.§ 4, and [200]ch. xxi.§ 9.

[215] [201]§ 3.

[216] [202]§ 5.

[217] [203]Ch. x.§ 1.

[218] St. Luke xviii. 13: "Nolebat nec oculos ad coelum levare."

[219] [204]Ch. xii.§ 5.

[220] "Firmeza en la verdad." Francisco de St. Thoma, in his Medulla
Mystica, p. 204, quoting this passage, has, "firmeza en la voluntad." Philip
a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic. p. 354, and his Abbreviator, Anton. a Sp.
Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. iv. disp. i.§ 11, n. 94, seem also to have
preferred "voluntad" to "verdad;" for the words they use are, "nec
intellectui lux nec voluntati firmitas;" and, "defectus lucis in intellectu,
et firmitatis in voluntate."

[221] [205]Ch. xi.§ 16.

[222] [206]Ch. xiii.§ 23.

[223] St. Matt. xvi. 24: "Tollat crucem suam et sequatur Me."

[224] "Fiel temor." In the previous editions it was filial.

[225] [207]Ch. xi.§ 1.

[226] See [208]ch. xxv.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter XVI.

The Third State of Prayer. Deep Matters. What the Soul Can Do That Has
Reached It. Effects of the Great Graces of Our Lord.

1. Let us now speak of the third water wherewith this garden is
watered, water running from a river or from a brook, whereby the garden is
watered with very much less trouble, although there is some in directing the
water. [227] In this state our Lord will help the gardener, and in such a
way as to be, as it were, the Gardener Himself, doing all the work. It is a
sleep of the powers of the soul, which are not wholly lost, nor yet
understanding how they are at work. The pleasure, sweetness, and delight are
incomparably greater than in the former state of prayer; and the reason is,
that the waters of grace have risen up to the neck of the soul, so that it
can neither advance nor retreat nor does it know how to do so; it seeks only
the fruition of exceeding bliss. It is like a dying man with the candle in
his hand, on the point of dying the death desired. It is rejoicing in this
agony with unutterable joy; to me it seems to be nothing else but a death,
as it were, to all the things of this world, and a fruition of God. I know
of no other words whereby to describe it or to explain it; neither does the
soul then know what to do, for it knows not whether to speak or be silent,
whether it should laugh or weep. It is a glorious folly, a heavenly madness,
wherein true wisdom is acquired; and to the soul a kind of fruition most
full of delight. [228]

2. It is now some five or six years, I believe, since our Lord raised me to
this state of prayer, in its fulness, and that more than once, and I never
understood it, and never could explain it; and so I was resolved, when I
should come thus far in my story, to say very little or nothing at all. I
knew well enough that it was not altogether the union of all the faculties,
and yet most certainly it was higher than the previous state of prayer; but
I confess that I could not determine and understand the difference.

3. The humility of your reverence, willing to be helped by a simplicity so
great as mine, has been the cause, I believe, why our Lord, to-day, after
Communion, admitted me to this state of prayer, without the power of going
further, and suggested to me these comparisons, and taught me how to speak
of it, and of what the soul must do therein. Certainly, I was amazed, and in
a moment understood it all. I have often been thus, as it were, beside
myself, drunk with love, and yet never could understand how it was. I knew
well that it was the work of God, but I never was able to understand the
manner of His working here; for, in fact, the faculties are almost all
completely in union, yet not so absorbed that they do not act. I have been
singularly delighted in that I have been able to comprehend the matter at
last. Blessed be our Lord, who has thus consoled me!

4. The faculties of the soul now retain only the power of occupying
themselves wholly with God; not one of them ventures to stir, neither can we
move one of them without making great efforts to distract ourselves and,
indeed, I do not think we can do it at all at this time. Many words are then
uttered in praise of God but disorderly, unless it be that our Lord orders
them himself. At least, the understanding is utterly powerless here; the
soul longs to send forth words of praise, but it has no control over
itself, it is in a state of sweet restlessness. The flowers are already
opening; they are beginning to send forth their fragrance.

5. The soul in this state would have all men behold and know of its bliss,
to the praise of God, and help it to praise Him. It would have them to be
partakers of its joy; for its joy is greater than it can bear. It seems to
me that it is like the woman in the Gospel, who would, or used to, call in
her neighbours. [229] The admirable spirit of David, the royal prophet, must
have felt in the same way, so it seems to me, when he played on the harp,
singing the praises of God. I have a very great devotion to this glorious
king; [230] and I wish all had it, particularly those who are sinners
like myself.

6. O my God, what must that soul be when it is in this state? It wishes it
were all tongue, in order that it may praise our Lord. It utters a thousand
holy follies, striving continually to please Him by whom it is thus
possessed. I know one [231] who, though she was no poet, yet composed,
without any preparation, certain stanzas, full of feeling, most expressive
of her pain: they were not the work of her own understanding; but, in order
to have a greater fruition of that bliss which so sweet a pain occasioned
her, she complained of it in that way to God. She was willing to be cut in
pieces, soul and body, to show the delight she felt in that pain. To what
torments could she be then exposed, that would not be delicious to endure
for her Lord? She sees clearly that the martyrs did little or nothing, so
far as they were concerned, when they endured their tortures, because the
soul is well aware that its strength is derived from another source.

7. But what will be its sufferings when it returns to the use of the senses,
to live in the world, and go back to the anxieties and the fashions thereof?
I do not think that I have exaggerated in any way, but rather have fallen
short, in speaking of that joy, which our Lord, of His good pleasure, gives
to the soul in this its exile. Blessed for ever be Thou, O Lord! and may all
created things praise Thee for ever!

8. O my King, seeing that I am now, while writing this, still under the
power of this heavenly madness, an effect of Thy mercy and goodness, and it
is a mercy I never deserved, grant, I beseech Thee, that all those with whom
I may have to converse may become mad through Thy love, or let me converse
with none, or so order it that I may have nothing to do in the world, or
take me away from it. This Thy servant, O my God, is no longer able to
endure sufferings so great as those are which she must bear when she sees
herself without Thee if she must live, she seeks no repose in this life, and
do Thou give her none. This my soul longs to be free eating is killing it,
and sleep is wearisome; it sees itself wasting the time of this life in
comforts, and that there is no comfort for it now but in Thee; it seems to
be living contrary to nature for now, it desires to live not in itself, but
in Thee.

9. O my true Lord and my happiness! what a cross hast Thou prepared for
those who attain to this state! light and most heavy at the same time:
light, because sweet; heavy, because now and then there is no patience left
to endure it and yet the soul never wishes to be delivered from it, unless
it be that it may come to Thee. When the soul remembers that it has never
served Thee at all, and that by living on it may do Thee some service, it
longs for a still heavier cross, and never to die before the end of the
world. Its own repose it counts as nothing in comparison with doing a slight
service to Thee. It knows not what to desire; but it clearly understands
that it desires nothing else but Thee.

10. O my son, [232] so humble is he to whom this writing is directed, and
who has commanded me to write, that he suffers himself to be thus
addressed, you, my father, only must see these things, in which I seem to
have transgressed all bounds; for no reason can keep me reasonable when our
Lord draws me out of myself. Since my communion this morning, [233] I do not
believe that I am the person who is speaking; I seem to be dreaming the
things I see, and I wish I might never see any but people ill, as I am now.
I beseech you, my father, let us all be mad, for the love of Him who for our
sakes suffered men to say of Him that He was mad. [234]

11. You, my father, say that you wish me well. I wish you would prove it by
disposing yourself so that God may bestow this grace upon you; for I see
very few people who have not too much sense for everything they have to do:
and it may be that I have more than anybody else. Your reverence must not
allow it; you are my father, for you are my confessor, and the person to
whom I have trusted my soul; disperse my delusions by telling the truth; for
truths of this sort are very rarely told.

12. I wish we five, who now love one another in our Lord, had made some such
arrangement as this: as others in these times have met together in secret
[235] to plot wickedness and heresies against His Majesty, so we might
contrive to meet together now and then, in order to undeceive one another,
to tell each other wherein we might improve ourselves, and be more pleasing
unto God; for there is no one that knows himself as well as he is known of
others who see him, if it be with eyes of love and the wish to do him good.
I say; in secret; for language of this kind is no longer in use; even
preachers go about arranging their sermons so as to displease no one. [236]
They have a good intention, and their work is good; yet still few amend
their lives. But how is it that they are not many who, in consequence of
these sermons, abstain from public sins? Well, I think it is because the
preachers are highly sensible men. They are not burning with the great fire
of the love of God, as the Apostles were, casting worldly prudence aside;
and so their fire throws out but little heat. I do not say that their fire
ought to burn like that of the Apostles, but I do wish it were a stronger
fire than I see it is. Do you, my father, know wherein much of this fire
consists? In the hatred of this life, in the desertion of its honours, in
being utterly indifferent whether we lose or gain anything or everything,
provided the truth be told and maintained for the glory of God; for he who
is courageously in earnest for God, looks upon loss or gain indifferently. I
do not say that I am a person of this kind, but I wish I was.

13. Oh, grand freedom, to regard it as a captivity to be obliged to live and
converse with men according to the laws of the world! It is the gift of our
Lord; there is not a slave who would not imperil everything that he might
escape and return to his country; and as this is the true road, there is no
reason why we should linger; for we shall never effectually gain a treasure
so great, so long as this life is not ended. May our Lord give us His grace
for that end! You, my father, if it shall seem good to you, will tear up
what I have written, and consider it as a letter for yourself alone, and
forgive me that I have been very bold.
_________________________________________________________________

[227] "The third degree, or third water, of the Saint, must begin, I think,
with the prayer of infused recollection, include that of infused quiet, and
end in that of inebriation; because it is not in our power to draw this
water all we can do is to direct the stream." (Francis. de St. Thoma,
Medulla Mystica, tr. iv. ch. xii. p. 208).

[228] See St. John of the Cross, [209]Spirit. Canticle, stanza xvii. vol.
ii. p. 98, Engl. trans.

[229] St. Luke xv. 9: "Convocat amicas et vicinas."

[230] Foundations, ch. xxix.§ 9.

[231] The Saint herself (De la Fuente).

[232] This was either F. Ybañez or the Inquisitor Soto, if the expression
did not occur in the first Life. F. Dom. Bañes struck out "son," and wrote
"father" in its place, omitting the words, "so humble is he" (De la Fuente).

[233] See [210]§ 3, above.

[234] St. John x. 20: "Dæmonium habet et insanit."

[235] The Saint refers to the secret meetings of heretics in Valladolid,
under the direction of a fallen priest, the Doctor Agostino Cazalla, whose
vanity led him to imitate Luther. Some nuns in Valladolid were imprisoned,
Cazalla strangled, and his body burnt, in 1559 (De la Fuente).

[236] Father Bañes wrote here on the margin of the Saint's MS, "Legant
prædicatores" (De la Fuente).
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter XVII.

The Third State of Prayer. The Effects Thereof. The Hindrance Caused by the
Imagination and the Memory.

1. Enough has been said of this manner of prayer, and of what the soul has
to do, or rather, to speak more correctly, of what God is doing within it;
for it is He who now takes upon Himself the gardener's work, and who will
have the soul take its ease; except that the will is consenting to the
graces, the fruition of which it has, and that it must resign itself to all
that the True Wisdom would accomplish in it for which it is certain it has
need of courage; because the joy is so great, that the soul seems now and
then to be on the very point of going forth out of the body: and what a
blessed death that would be! Now, I think it is for the soul's good as you,
my father, have been told to abandon itself into the arms of God altogether;
if He will take it to heaven, let it go; if to hell, no matter, as it is
going thither with its sovereign Good. If life is to come to an end for
ever, so it wills; if it is to last a thousand years, it wills that also:
His Majesty may do with it as with His own property, the soul no longer
belongs to itself, it has been given wholly to our Lord; let it cast all
care utterly away.

2. My meaning is that, in a state of prayer, so high as this, the soul
understands that God is doing His work without any fatiguing of the
understanding, except that, as it seems to me, it is as if amazed in
beholding our Lord taking upon Himself the work of the good gardener,
refusing to let the soul undergo any labour whatever, but that of taking its
pleasure in the flowers beginning to send forth their fragrance; for when
God raises a soul up to this state, it can do all this, and much more, for
these are the effects of it.

3. In one of these visits, how brief soever it may be, the Gardener, being
who He is, in a word, the Creator of the water, pours the water without
stint; and what the poor soul, with the labour, perhaps, of twenty years in
fatiguing the understanding, could not bring about, that the heavenly
Gardener accomplishes in an instant, causing the fruit both to grow and
ripen; so that the soul, such being the will of our Lord, may derive its
sustenance from its garden. But He allows it not to divide the fruit with
others, until by eating thereof, it is strong enough not to waste it in the
mere tasting of it, giving to Him none of the produce, nor making any
compensation for it to Him who supplies it, lest it should be maintaining
others, feeding them at its own cost, and itself perhaps dying of hunger.
[237] The meaning of this is perfectly clear for those who have
understanding enough to apply it much more clear than I can make it; and I
am tired.

4. Finally, the virtues are now stronger than they were during the preceding
prayer of quiet; for the soul sees itself to be other than it was, and it
knows not how it is beginning to do great things in the odour which the
flowers send forth; it being our Lord's will that the flowers should open,
in order that the soul may believe itself to be in possession of virtue;
though it sees most clearly that it cannot, and never could, acquire them in
many years, and that the heavenly Gardener has given them to it in that
instant. Now, too, the humility of the soul is much greater and deeper than
it was before; because it sees more clearly that it did neither much nor
little, beyond giving its consent that our Lord might work those graces in
it, and then accepting them willingly.

5. This state of prayer seems to me to be a most distinct union of the whole
soul with God, but for this, that His Majesty appears to give the faculties
leave to be intent upon, and have the fruition of, the great work He is
doing then. It happens at times, and indeed very often, that, the will being
in union, the soul should be aware of it, and see that the will is a captive
and in joy, that the will alone is abiding in great peace, while, on the
other hand, the understanding and the memory are so free, that they can be
employed in affairs and be occupied in works of charity. I say this, that
you, my father, may see it is so, and understand the matter when it shall
happen to yourself; at least, it carried me out of myself, and that is the
reason why I speak of it here.

6. It differs from the prayer of quiet, of which I have spoken, [238] though
it does seem as if it were all one with it. In that prayer, the soul, which
would willingly neither stir nor move, is delighting in the holy repose of
Mary; but in this prayer it can be like Martha also. [239] Accordingly, the
soul is, as it were, living the active and contemplative life at once, and
is able to apply itself to works of charity and the affairs of its state,
and to spiritual reading. Still, those who arrive at this state, are not
wholly masters of themselves, and are well aware that the better part of the
soul is elsewhere. It is as if we were speaking to one person, and another
speaking to us at the same time, while we ourselves are not perfectly
attentive either to the one or the other. It is a state that is most easily
ascertained, and one, when attained to, that ministers great joy and
contentment, and that prepares the soul in the highest degree, by observing
times of solitude, or of freedom from business, for the attainment of the
most tranquil quietude. It is like the life of a man who is full, requiring
no food, with his appetite satisfied, so that he will not eat of everything
set before him, yet not so full either as to refuse to eat if he saw any
desirable food. So the soul has no satisfaction in the world, and seeks no
pleasure in it then; because it has in itself that which gives it a greater
satisfaction, greater joys in God, longings for the satisfaction of its
longing to have a deeper joy in being with Him this is what the soul seeks.

7. There is another kind of union, which, though not a perfect union, is yet
more so than the one of which I have just spoken; but not so much so as this
spoken of as the third water. You, my father, will be delighted greatly if
our Lord should bestow them all upon you, if you have them not already, to
find an account of the matter in writing, and to understand it; for it is
one grace that our Lord gives grace; and it is another grace to understand
what grace and what gift it is; and it is another and further grace to have
the power to describe and explain it to others. Though it does not seem that
more than the first of these the giving of the grace is necessary to enable
the soul to advance without confusion and fear, and to walk with the greater
courage in the way of our Lord, trampling under foot all the things of this
world, it is a great advantage and a great grace to understand it; for every
one who has it has great reason to praise our Lord; and so, also, has he who
has it not: because His Majesty has bestowed it upon some person living who
is to make us profit by it.

8. This union, of which I would now speak, frequently occurs, particularly
to myself. God has very often bestowed such a grace upon me, whereby He
constrains the will, and even the understanding, as it seems to me, seeing
that it makes no reflections, but is occupied in the fruition of God: like a
person who looks on, and sees so many things, that he knows not where to
look one object puts another out of sight, and none of them leaves any
impression behind.

9. The memory remains free, and it must be so, together with the
imagination; and so, when it finds itself alone, it is marvellous to behold
what war it makes on the soul, and how it labours to throw everything into
disorder. As for me, I am wearied by it, and I hate it; and very often do I
implore our Lord to deprive me of it on these occasions, if I am to be so
much troubled by it. Now and then, I say to Him: O my God, when shall my
soul praise Thee without distraction, not dissipated in this way, unable to
control itself! I understand now the mischief that sin has done, in that it
has rendered us unable to do what we desire to be always occupied in God.
[240]

10. I say that it happens to me from time to time, it has done so this very
day, and so I remember it well, to see my soul tear itself, in order to find
itself there where the greater part of it is, and to see, at the same time,
that it is impossible: because the memory and the imagination assail it with
such force, that it cannot prevail against them; yet, as the other faculties
give them no assistance, they are not able to do it any harm none whatever;
they do enough when they trouble its rest. When I say they do no harm, my
meaning is, that they cannot really hurt it, because they have not strength
enough, and because they are too discursive. As the understanding gives no
help, neither much nor little, in the matters put before the soul, they
never rest anywhere, but hurry to and fro, like nothing else but gnats at
night, troublesome and unquiet: and so they go about from one subject
to another.

11. This comparison seems to me to be singularly to the purpose; for the
memory and the imagination, though they have no power to do any harm, are
very troublesome. I know of no remedy for it; and, hitherto, God has told me
of none. If He had, most gladly would I make use of it; for I am, as I say,
tormented very often. This shows our wretchedness and brings out most
distinctly the great power of God, seeing that the faculty which is free
hurts and wearies us so much; while the others, occupied with His Majesty,
give us rest.

12. The only remedy I have found, after many years of weariness, is that I
spoke of when I was describing the prayer of quiet: [241] to make no more
account of it than of a madman, but let it go with its subject; for God
alone can take it from it, in short, it is a slave here. We must bear
patiently with it, as Jacob bore with Lia; for our Lord showeth us mercy
enough when we are allowed to have Rachel with us.

13. I say that it remains a slave; for, after all, let it do what it will,
it cannot drag the other faculties in its train; on the contrary, they,
without taking any trouble, compel it to follow after them. Sometimes God is
pleased to take pity on it, when He sees it so lost and so unquiet, through
the longing it has to be united with the other faculties, and His Majesty
consents to its burning itself in the flame of that divine candle by which
the others are already reduced to ashes, and their nature lost, being, as it
were, supernaturally in the fruition of blessings so great.

14. In all these states of prayer of which I have spoken, while explaining
this last method of drawing the water out of the well, so great is the bliss
and repose of the soul, that even the body most distinctly shares in its joy
and delight, and this is most plain; and the virtues continue to grow, as I
said before. [242] It seems to have been the good pleasure of our Lord to
explain these states of prayer, wherein the soul finds itself, with the
utmost clearness possible, I think, here on earth.

15. Do you, my father, discuss it with any spiritual person who has arrived
at this state, and is learned. If he says of it, it is well, you may believe
that God has spoken it, and you will give thanks to His Majesty; for, as I
said just now, [243] in the course of time you will rejoice greatly in that
you have understood it. Meanwhile, if He does not allow you to understand
what it is, though He does give you the possession of it, yet, with your
intellect and learning, seeing that His Majesty has given you the first, you
will know what it is, by the help of what I have written here. Unto Him be
praise for ever and ever! Amen.
_________________________________________________________________

[237] See [211]ch. xix.§ 4.

[238] [212]Ch. xv.§ 1.

[239] See [213]Relation, viii.§ 6; and Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but
[214]ch xxxi. of former editions. See also Concept. of the Love of God, ch.
vii.

[240] See [215]Relation, viii.§ 17.

[241] [216]Ch. xiv.§ 4. See also Way of Perfection, ch. liii., but [217]ch.
xxxi. of the old editions.

[242] [218]Ch. xiv.§ 6.

[243] [219]§ 7.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter XVIII.

The Fourth State of Prayer. The Great Dignity of the Soul Raised to It by
Our Lord. Attainable on Earth, Not by Our Merit, But by the Goodness of
Our Lord.

1. May our Lord teach me words whereby I may in some measure describe the
fourth water. [244] I have great need of His help even more than I had while
speaking of the last; for in that the soul still feels that it is not dead
altogether. We may thus speak, seeing that to the world it is really dead.
But, as I have said, [245] it retains the sense to see that it is in the
world, and to feel its own loneliness; and it makes use of that which is
outward for the purpose of manifesting its feelings, at least by signs. In
the whole of the prayer already spoken of, and in all the states of it, the
gardener undergoes some labour: though in the later states the labour is
attended with so much bliss and comfort of the soul, that the soul would
never willingly pass out of it, and thus the labour is not felt as labour,
but as bliss.

2. In this the fourth state there is no sense of anything, only fruition,
without understanding what that is the fruition of which is granted. It is
understood that the fruition is of a certain good containing in itself all
good together at once; but this good is not comprehended. The senses are all
occupied in this fruition in such a way that not one of them is at liberty,
so as to be able to attend to anything else, whether outward or inward.

3. The senses were permitted before, as I have said, [246] to give some
signs of the great joy they feel; but now, in this state, the joy of the
soul is incomparably greater, and the power of showing it is still less; for
there is no power in the body, and the soul has none, whereby this fruition
can be made known. Everything of that kind would be a great hindrance, a
torment, and a disturbance of its rest. And I say, if it really be a union
of all the faculties, that the soul, even if it wished, I mean, when it is
in union, cannot make it known; and if it can, then it is not union at all.

4. How this, which we call union, is effected, and what it is, I cannot
tell. Mystical theology explains it, and I do not know the terms of that
science; nor can I understand what the mind is, nor how it differs from the
soul or the spirit either: all three seem to me but one; though I do know
that the soul sometimes leaps forth out of itself, like a fire that is
burning and is become a flame; and occasionally this fire increases
violently the flame ascends high above the fire; but it is not therefore a
different thing: it is still the same flame of the same fire. Your learning,
my fathers, will enable you to understand the matter; I can go no further.

5. What I undertake to explain is that which the soul feels when it is in
the divine union. It is plain enough what union is two distinct things
becoming one. O my Lord, how good Thou art! Blessed be Thou for ever, O my
God! Let all creatures praise Thee, Who hast so loved us that we can truly
speak of this communication which Thou hast with souls in this our exile!
Yea, even if they be good souls, it is on Thy part great munificence and
magnanimity, in a word, it is Thy munificence, O my Lord, seeing that Thou
givest like Thyself. O infinite Munificence! how magnificent are Thy works!
Even he whose understanding is not occupied with the things of earth is
amazed that he is unable to understand these truths. Why, then, give graces
so high to souls who have been such great sinners? Truly, this passeth my
understanding; and when I come to think of it, I can get no further. Is
there any way at all for me to go on which is not a going back? For, as to
giving Thee thanks for mercies so great, I know not how to do it. Sometimes
I relieve myself by giving utterance to follies. It often happens to me,
either when I receive these graces, or when God is about to bestow
them, for, in the midst of them, I have already said, [247] I was able to do
nothing, that I would break out into words like these.

6. O Lord, consider what Thou art doing; forget not so soon the great evils
that I have done. To forgive me, Thou must already have forgotten them; yet,
in order that there may be some limit to Thy graces, I beseech Thee remember
them. O my Creator, pour not a liquor so precious into a vessel so broken;
for Thou hast already seen how on other occasions I allowed it to run waste.
Lay not up treasure like this, where the longing after the consolations of
this life is not so mortified as it ought to be; for it will be utterly
lost. How canst Thou commit the defence of the city, and the keys of its
fortress to a commander so cowardly, who at the first assault will let the
enemy enter within? Oh, let not Thy love be so great, O King Eternal, as to
imperil jewels so precious! O my Lord, to me it seems that it becomes a
ground for undervaluing them, when Thou puttest them in the power of one so
wretched, so vile, so frail, so miserable, and so worthless as I am, who,
though she may labour not to lose them, by the help of Thy grace, and I have
need of no little grace for that end, being what I am, is not able to win
over any one to Thee, in short, I am a woman, not good, but wicked. It seems
to me that the talents are not only hidden, but buried, when they are
committed to earth so vile. It is not Thy wont, O Lord, to bestow graces and
mercies like these upon a soul, unless it be that it may edify many.

7. Thou, O my God, knowest already that I beg this of Thee with my whole
will, from the bottom of my heart, and that I have done so more than once,
and I account it a blessing to lose the greatest blessings which may be had
on earth, if Thou wouldst but bestow these graces upon him who will make a
better use of them to the increase of Thy glory. These, and expressions like
these, it has happened to me often to utter. I saw afterwards my own
foolishness and want of humility; for our Lord knoweth well what is
expedient, and that there is no strength in my soul to be saved, if His
Majesty did not give it with graces so great.

8. I purpose also to speak of the graces and effects which abide in the
soul, and of that which the soul itself can do, or rather, if it can do
anything of itself towards attaining to a state so high. The elevation of
the spirit, or union, comes together with heavenly love but, as I understand
it, union is a different thing from elevation in union itself. To him who
may not have had any experience of the latter, it must seem that it is not;
and, according to my view of it, even if they are both one, the operations
of our Lord therein are different: there is a growth of the soul's
detachment from creatures more abundantly still in the flight of the spirit.
[248] I have clearly seen that this is a particular grace, though, as I say,
it may be the same, or seem to be so, with the other; but a little fire,
also, is as much fire as a great fire and yet there is a visible difference
between them. Before a small piece of iron is made red-hot in a little fire,
some time must pass; but if the fire be great, the iron very quickly, though
bulky, loses its nature altogether in appearance.

9. So, it seems to me, is it with these two kinds of graces which our Lord
bestows. He who has had raptures will, I am sure, understand it well; to him
who has not had that experience, it must appear folly. And, indeed, it may
well be so; for if a person like myself should speak of a matter of this
kind, and give any explanation at all of that for the description of which
no words ever can possibly be found, it is not to be wondered at that I may
be speaking foolishly.

10. But I have this confidence in our Lord, that He will help me here; for
His Majesty knoweth that my object in writing the first is to obey is to
inspire souls with a longing after so high a good. I will speak of nothing
that I do not know by great experience: and so, when I began to describe the
last kind of water, I thought it more impossible for me to speak of it at
all than to speak Greek. It is a very difficult matter; so I left it, and
went to Communion. Blessed be our Lord, who is merciful to the ignorant! Oh,
virtue of obedience! it can do everything! God enlightened my
understanding at one time suggesting the words, at another showing me how to
use them; for, as in the preceding state of prayer, so also now, His Majesty
seems to utter what I can neither speak nor understand. [249]

11. What I am saying is the simple truth; and therefore whatever is good
herein is His teaching; what is erroneous, clearly comes out of that sea of
evil myself. If there be any and there must be many who, having attained to
these states of prayer whereunto our Lord in His mercy has brought me wretch
that I am! and who, thinking they have missed their way, desire to treat of
these matters with me, I am sure that our Lord will help His servant to
declare the truth more plainly.

12. I am now speaking of the water which cometh down from heaven to fill and
saturate in its abundance the whole of this garden with water. If our Lord
never ceased to pour it down whenever it was necessary, the gardener
certainly would have plenty of rest; and if there were no winter, but an
ever temperate season, fruits and flowers would never fail. The gardener
would have his delight therein; but in this life that is impossible. We must
always be careful, when one water fails, to obtain another. This water from
heaven comes down very often when the gardener least expects it.

13. The truth is that, in the beginning, this almost always happens after
much mental prayer. Our Lord advances step by step to lay hold of the little
bird, and to lay it in the nest where it may repose. He observed it
fluttering for a long time, striving with the understanding and the will,
and with all its might, to seek God and to please Him; so now it is His
pleasure to reward it even in this life. And what a reward! one moment is
enough to repay all the possible trials of this life.

14. The soul, while thus seeking after God, is conscious, with a joy
excessive and sweet, that it is, as it were, utterly fainting away in a kind
of trance: breathing, and all the bodily strength, fail it, so that it
cannot even move the hands without great pain; the eyes close involuntarily,
and if they are open, they are as if they saw nothing; nor is reading
possible, the very letters seem strange, and cannot be distinguished, the
letters, indeed, are visible, but, as the understanding furnishes no help,
all reading is impracticable, though seriously attempted. The ear hears; but
what is heard is not comprehended. The senses are of no use whatever, except
to hinder the soul's fruition; and so they rather hurt it. It is useless to
try to speak, because it is not possible to conceive a word; nor, if it were
conceived, is there strength sufficient to utter it;

for all bodily strength vanishes, and that of the soul increases, to enable
it the better to have the fruition of its joy. Great and most perceptible,
also, is the outward joy now felt.

15. This prayer, however long it may last, does no harm at least, it has
never done any to me; nor do I remember, however ill I might have been when
our Lord had mercy upon me in this way, that I ever felt the worse for it on
the contrary, I was always better afterwards. But so great a blessing, what
harm can it do? The outward effects are so plain as to leave no doubt
possible that there must have been some great cause, seeing that it thus
robs us of our bodily powers with so much joy, in order to leave
them greater.

16. The truth is, it passes away so quickly in the beginning at least, so it
was with me that neither by the outward signs, nor by the failure of the
senses, can it be perceived when it passes so quickly away. But it is plain,
from the overflowing abundance of grace, that the brightness of the sun
which had shone there must have been great, seeing that it has thus made the
soul to melt away. And this is to be considered; for, as it seems to me, the
period of time, however long it may have been, during which the faculties of
the soul were entranced, is very short; if half an hour, that would be a
long time. I do not think that I have ever been so long. [250] The truth of
the matter is this: it is extremely difficult to know how long, because the
senses are in suspense; but I think that at any time it cannot be very long
before some one of the faculties recovers itself. It is the will that
persists in the work; the other two faculties quickly begin to molest it. As
the will is calm, it entrances them again; they are quiet for another
moment, and then they recover themselves once more.

17. In this way, some hours may be, and are, passed in prayer; for when the
two faculties begin to drink deep, and to perceive the taste of this divine
wine, they give themselves up with great readiness, in order to be the more
absorbed: they follow the will, and the three rejoice together. But this
state of complete absorption, together with the utter rest of the
imagination, for I believe that even the imagination is then wholly at
rest, lasts only for a short time; though the faculties do not so completely
recover themselves as not to be for some hours afterwards as if in disorder:
God, from time to time, drawing them to Himself.

18. Let us now come to that which the soul feels interiorly. Let him
describe it who knows it; for as it is impossible to understand it, much
more is it so to describe it. When I purposed to write this, I had just
communicated, and had risen from the very prayer of which I am speaking. I
am thinking of what the soul was then doing. Our Lord said to me: It undoes
itself utterly, My daughter, in order that it may give itself more and more
to Me: it is not itself that then lives, it is I. As it cannot comprehend
what it understands, it understands by not understanding. [251]

19. He who has had experience of this will understand it in some measure,
for it cannot be more clearly described, because what then takes place is so
obscure. All I am able to say is, that the soul is represented as being
close to God; and that there abides a conviction thereof so certain and
strong, that it cannot possibly help believing so. All the faculties fail
now, and are suspended in such a way that, as I said before, [252] their
operations cannot be traced. If the soul is making a meditation on any
subject, the memory of it is lost at once, just as if it had never been
thought of. If it reads, what is read is not remembered nor dwelt upon;
neither is it otherwise with vocal prayer. Accordingly, the restless little
butterfly of the memory has its wings burnt now, and it cannot fly. The will
must be fully occupied in loving, but it understands not how it loves; the
understanding, if it understands, does not understand how it understands at
least, it can comprehend nothing of that it understands: it does not
understand, as it seems to me, because, as I said just now, this cannot be
understood. I do not understand it at all myself.

20. In the beginning, it happened to me that I was ignorant of one thing I
did not know that God was in all things: [253] and when He seemed to me to
be so near, I thought it impossible. Not to believe that He was present, was
not in my power; for it seemed to me, as it were, evident that I felt there
His very presence. Some unlearned men used to say to me, that He was present
only by His grace. I could not believe that, because, as I am saying, He
seemed to me to be present Himself: so I was distressed. A most learned man,
of the Order of the glorious Patriarch St. Dominic, delivered me from this
doubt; for he told me that He was present, and how He communed with us: this
was a great comfort to me.

21. It is to be observed and understood that this water from heaven, this
greatest grace of our Lord always leaves in the soul the greatest fruits, as
I shall now show.
_________________________________________________________________

[244] See [220]ch. xi.§ 11.

[245] [221]Ch. xvi.§§ 7, 8.

[246] [222]Ch. xvii.§ 5.

[247] [223]§ 3.

[248] See [224]ch. xx.§ 10; and [225]Relation, viii.§ 10.

[249] See [226]ch. xiv.§ 12.

[250] See Anton. a Sp. Sancto, Director. Mystic. tr. iv.§ 9, n. 72.

[251] Thomas à Jesu, De Contemplatione Divina, lib. v. c. xiii.: "Quasi
dicat: cum intellectus non possit Dei immensam illam claritatem et
incomprehensibilem plenitudinem comprehendere, hoc ipsum est illam
conspicere ac intelligere, intelligere se non posse intellectu cognoscere:
quod quidem nihil aliud est quam Deum sub ratione incomprehensibilitatis
videre ac cognoscere." Philip. Ã SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic. Disc.
Proem. art. iv. p. 6: "Cum ipsa [S. Teresa] scire vellet, quid in illa
mystica unione operaretur intellectus, respondit [Christus] illi, cum non
possit comprehendere quod intelligit, est non intelligere intelligendo: tum
quia præ claritate nimia quodammodo offuscatur intellectus, unde præ
altissima et supereminentissima Dei cognitione videtur anima potius Deum
ignorare quam cognoscere."

[252] [227]Ch. x.§ 1, and [228]ch. xviii.§ 16.

[253] See Inner Fortress, v. ch. i.§ 11.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter XIX.

The Effects of This Fourth State of Prayer. Earnest Exhortations to Those
Who Have Attained to It Not to Go Back, Nor to Cease from Prayer, Even If
They Fall. The Great Calamity of Going Back.

1. There remains in the soul, when the prayer of union is over, an
exceedingly great tenderness; so much so, that it would undo itself not from
pain, but through tears of joy it finds itself bathed therein, without being
aware of it, and it knows not how or when it wept them. But to behold the
violence of the fire subdued by the water, which yet makes it burn the more,
gives it great delight. It seems as if I were speaking an unknown language.
So it is, however.

2. It has happened to me occasionally, when this prayer was over, to be so
beside myself as not to know whether I had been dreaming, or whether the
bliss I felt had really been mine; and, on finding myself in a flood of
tears which had painlessly flowed, with such violence and rapidity that it
seemed as if a cloud from heaven [254] had shed them to perceive that it was
no dream. Thus it was with me in the beginning, when it passed quickly away.
The soul remains possessed of so much courage, that if it were now hewn in
pieces for God, it would be a great consolation to it. This is the time of
resolutions, of heroic determinations, of the living energy of good desires,
of the beginning of hatred of the world, and of the most clear perception of
its vanity. The soul makes greater and higher progress than it ever made
before in the previous states of prayer; and grows in humility more and
more, because it sees clearly that neither for obtaining nor for retaining
this grace, great beyond all measure, has it ever done, or ever been able to
do, anything of itself. It looks upon itself as most unworthy for in a room
into which the sunlight enters strongly, not a cobweb can be hid; it sees
its own misery; self-conceit is so far away, that it seems as if it never
could have had any for now its own eyes behold how very little it could ever
do, or rather, that it never did anything, that it hardly gave even its own
consent, but that it rather seemed as if the doors of the senses were closed
against its will in order that it might have more abundantly the fruition of
our Lord. It is abiding alone with Him: what has it to do but to love Him?
It neither sees nor hears, unless on compulsion: no thanks to it. Its past
life stands before it then, together with the great mercy of God, in great
distinctness; and it is not necessary for it to go forth to hunt with the
understanding, because what it has to eat and ruminate upon, it sees now
ready prepared. It sees, so far as itself is concerned, that it has deserved
hell, and that its punishment is bliss. It undoes itself in the praises of
God, and I would gladly undo myself now.

3. Blessed be Thou, O my Lord, who, out of a pool so filthy as I am,
bringest forth water so clean as to be meet for Thy table! Praised be Thou,
O Joy of the Angels, who hast been thus pleased to exalt so vile a worm!

4. The good effects of this prayer abide in the soul for some time. Now that
it clearly apprehends that the fruit is not its own, the soul can begin to
share it with others, and that without any loss to itself. It begins to show
signs of its being a soul that is guarding the treasures of heaven, and to
be desirous of communicating them to others, [255] and to pray to God that
itself may not be the only soul that is rich in them. It begins to benefit
its neighbours, as it were, without being aware of it, or doing anything
consciously: its neighbours understand the matter, because the odour of the
flowers has grown so strong as to make them eager to approach them. They
understand that this soul is full of virtue: they see the fruit, how
delicious it is, and they wish to help that soul to eat it.

5. If this ground be well dug by troubles, by persecutions, detractions, and
infirmities, they are few who ascend so high without this, if it be well
broken up by great detachment from all self-interest, it will drink in so
much water that it can hardly ever be parched again. But if it be ground
which is mere waste, and covered with thorns (as I was when I began); if the
occasions of sin be not avoided; if it be an ungrateful soil, unfitted for
so great a grace, it will be parched up again. If the gardener become
careless, and if our Lord, out of His mere goodness, will not send down rain
upon it, the garden is ruined. Thus has it been with me more than once, so
that I am amazed at it; and if I had not found it so by experience, I could
not have believed it.

6. I write this for the comfort of souls which are weak, as I am, that they
may never despair, nor cease to trust in the power of God; even if they
should fall after our Lord has raised them to so high a degree of prayer as
this is, they must not be discouraged, unless they would lose themselves
utterly. Tears gain everything, and one drop of water attracts another.

7. One of the reasons that move me, who am what I am, under obedience to
write this, and give an account of my wretched life, and of the graces our
Lord has wrought in me, though I never served Him, but offended Him
rather, is what I have just given: and, certainly, I wish I was a person of
great authority, that people might believe what I say. I pray to our Lord
that His Majesty would be pleased to grant me this grace. I repeat it, let
no one who has begun to give himself to prayer be discouraged, and say: If I
fall into sin, it will be worse for me if I go on now with the practice of
prayer. I think so too, if he gives up prayer, and does not correct his evil
ways; but if he does not give up prayer, let him be assured of this prayer
will bring him to the haven of light.

8. In this the devil turned his batteries against me, and I suffered so much
because I thought it showed but little humility if I persevered in prayer
when I was so wicked, that as I have already said [256] I gave it up for a
year and a half at least, for a year, but I do not remember distinctly the
other six months. This could not have been, neither was it, anything else
but to throw myself down into hell; there was no need of any devils to drag
me thither. O my God, was there ever blindness so great as this? How well
Satan prepares his measures for his purpose, when he pursues us in this way!
The traitor knows that he has already lost that soul which perseveres in
prayer, and that every fall which he can bring about helps it, by the
goodness of God, to make greater progress in His service. Satan has some
interest in this.

9. O my Jesus, what a sight that must be a soul so highly exalted falling
into sin, and raised up again by Thee; who, in Thy mercy, stretchest forth
Thine hand to save! How such a soul confesses Thy greatness and compassion
and its own wretchedness! It really looks on itself as nothingness, and
confesses Thy power. It dares not lift up its eyes; it raises them, indeed,
but it is to acknowledge how much it oweth unto Thee. It becomes devout to
the Queen of Heaven, that she may propitiate Thee; it invokes the Saints,
who fell after Thou hadst called them, for succour. Thou seemest now to be
too bountiful in Thy gifts, because it feels itself to be unworthy of the
earth it treads on. It has recourse to the Sacraments, to a quickened faith,
which abides in it at the contemplation of the power which Thou hast lodged
in them. It praises Thee because Thou hast left us such medicines and
ointment for our wounds, which not only heal them on the surface, but remove
all traces whatever of them.

10. The soul is amazed at it. Who is there, O Lord of my soul, that is not
amazed at compassion so great and mercy so surpassing, after treason so foul
and so hateful? I know not how it is that my heart does not break when I
write this, for I am wicked. With these scanty tears which I am now weeping,
but yet Thy gift, water out of a well, so far as it is mine, so impure, I
seem to make Thee some recompense for treachery so great as mine, in that I
was always doing evil, labouring to make void the graces Thou hast given me.
Do Thou, O Lord, make my tears available; purify the water which is so
muddy; at least, let me not be to others a temptation to rash judgments, as
I have been to myself, when I used to think such thoughts as these. Why, O
Lord, dost Thou pass by most holy persons, who have always served Thee, and
who have been tried; who have been brought up in religion, and are really
religious not such as I am, having only the name so as to make it plain that
they are not recipients of those graces which Thou hast bestowed upon me?

11. I see clearly now, O Thou my Good, Thou hast kept the reward to give it
them all at once: my weakness has need of these succours. They, being
strong, serve Thee without them, and Thou dealest with them as with a strong
race, free from all self-interest. But yet Thou knowest, O my Lord, that I
have often cried unto Thee, making excuses for those who murmured against
me; for I thought they had reason on their side. This I did then when Thou
of Thy goodness hadst kept me back from offending Thee so much, and when I
was departing from everything which I thought displeasing unto Thee. It was
when I did this that Thou, O Lord, didst begin to lay open Thy treasures for
Thy servant. It seemed as if Thou wert looking for nothing else but that I
should be willing and ready to receive them; accordingly, Thou didst begin
at once, not only to give them, but also to make others know that Thou wert
giving them.

12. When this was known, there began to prevail a good opinion of her, of
whom all had not yet clearly understood how wicked she was, though much of
that wickedness was plain enough. Calumny and persecution began at once,
and, as I think, with good reason; so I looked on none of them as an enemy,
but made my supplications to Thee, imploring Thee to consider the grounds
they had. They said that I wished to be a saint, and that I invented
novelties; but I had not then attained in many things even to the observance
of my rule; nor had I come near those excellent and holy nuns who were in
the house, and I do not believe I ever shall, if God of His goodness will
not do that for me Himself; on the contrary, I was there only to do away
with what was good, and introduce customs which were not good; at least, I
did what I could to bring them in, and I was very powerful for evil. Thus it
was that they were blameless, when they blamed me. I do not mean the nuns
only, but the others as well: they told me truths; for it was Thy will.

13. I was once saying the Office, I had had this temptation for some
time, and when I came to these words, "Justus es, Domine, et rectum judicium
tuum," [257] I began to think what a deep truth it was. Satan never was
strong enough to tempt me in any way to doubt of Thy goodness, or of any
article of the faith: on the contrary, it seems to me that the more these
truths were above nature, the more firmly I held them, and my devotion grew;
when I thought of Thy omnipotence, I accepted all Thy wonderful works, and I
say it again, I never had a doubt. Then, as I was thinking how it could be
just in Thee to allow so many, who, as I said, are Thy most faithful
servants, to remain without those consolations and graces which Thou hast
given to me, who am what I am, Thou, O my Lord, didst answer me: Serve thou
Me, and meddle not with this.

14. This was the first word which I ever heard Thee speak to me, and it made
me greatly afraid. But as I shall speak hereafter [258] of this way of
hearing, and of other matters, I say nothing here; for to do so would be to
digress from my subject, and I have already made digressions enough. I
scarcely know what I have said, nor can it be otherwise; but you, my father,
must bear with these interruptions; for when I consider what God must have
borne with from me, and when I see the state I am in, it is not strange that
I should wander in what I am saying, and what I have still to say.

15. May it please our Lord that my wanderings may be of this kind, and may
His Majesty never suffer me to have strength to resist Him even in the
least; yea, rather than that, may He destroy me this moment. It is evidence
enough of His great compassions, that He has forgiven so much ingratitude,
not once, but often. He forgave St. Peter once; but I have been forgiven
many times. Satan had good reasons for tempting me: I ought never to have
pretended to a strict friendship with One, my hatred of whom I made so
public. Was there ever blindness so great as mine? Where could I think I
should find help but in Thee? What folly to run away from the light, to be
for ever stumbling! What a proud humility was that which Satan devised for
me, when I ceased to lean upon the pillar, and threw the staff away which
supported me, in order that my fall might not be great! [259]

16. I make the sign of the cross this moment. I do not think I ever escaped
so great a danger as this device of Satan, which he would have imposed upon
me in the disguise of humility. [260] He filled me with such thoughts as
these: How could I make my prayer, who was so wicked, and yet had received
so many mercies? It was enough for me to recite the Office, as all others
did; but as I did not that much well, how could I desire to do more? I was
not reverential enough, and made too little of the mercies of God. There was
no harm in these thoughts and feelings in themselves; but to act upon them,
that was an exceedingly great wickedness. Blessed be Thou, O Lord; for Thou
camest to my help. This seems to me to be in principle the temptation of
Judas, only that Satan did not dare to tempt me so openly. But he might have
led me by little and little, as he led Judas, to the same pit
of destruction.

17. Let all those who give themselves to prayer, for the love of God, look
well to this. They should know that when I was neglecting it, my life was
much worse than it had ever been; let them reflect on the excellent help and
the pleasant humility which Satan provided for me: it was a grave interior
disquietude. But how could my spirit be quiet? It was going away in its
misery from its true rest. I remembered the graces and mercies I had
received, and felt that the joys of this world were loathsome. I am
astonished that I was able to bear it. It must have been the hope I had;
for, as well as I can remember now, it is more than twenty-one years ago. I
do not think I ever gave up my purpose of resuming my prayer; but I was
waiting to be very free from sin first.

18. Oh, how deluded I was in this expectation! The devil would have held it
out before me till the day of judgment, that he might then take me with him
to hell. Then, when I applied myself to prayer and to spiritual
reading, whereby I might perceive these truths, and the evil nature of the
way I was walking in, and was often importunate with our Lord in tears, I
was so wicked, that it availed me nothing; when I gave that up, and wasted
my time in amusing myself, in great danger of falling into sin, and with
scanty helps, and I may venture to say no help at all, unless it was a help
to my ruin, what could I expect but that of which I have spoken?

19. I believe that a certain Dominican friar, a most learned man, has
greatly merited in the eyes of God; for it was he who roused me from this
slumber. He made me I think I said so before [261] go to Communion once a
fortnight, and be less given to evil; I began to be converted, though I did
not cease to offend our Lord all at once: however, as I had not lost my way,
I walked on in it, though slowly, falling and rising again; and he who does
not cease to walk and press onwards, arrives at last, even if late. To lose
one's way is so it seems to me nothing else but the giving up of prayer.
God, of His mercy, keeps us from this!

20. It is clear from this, and, for the love of God, consider it well, that
a soul, though it may receive great graces from God in prayer, must never
rely on itself, because it may fall, nor expose itself in any way whatever
to any risks of sin. This should be well considered because much depends on
it; for the delusion here, wherein Satan is able to entangle us afterwards,
though the grace be really from God, lies in the traitor's making use of
that very grace, so far as he can, for his own purpose, and particularly
against persons not grown strong in virtues, who are neither mortified nor
detached; for these are not at present strong enough as I shall explain
hereafter [262] to expose themselves to dangerous occasions,
notwithstanding the noble desires and resolutions they may have.

21. This doctrine is excellent, and not mine, but the teaching of God, and
accordingly I wish ignorant people like myself knew it; for even if a soul
were in this state, it must not rely so much upon itself as to go forth to
the battle, because it will have enough to do in defending itself. Defensive
armour is the present necessity; the soul is not yet strong enough to assail
Satan, and to trample him under foot, as those are who are in the state of
which I shall speak further on. [263]

22. This is the delusion by which Satan prevails:

when a soul sees itself so near unto God, when it sees the difference there
is between the things of heaven and those of earth, and when it sees the
love which our Lord bears it, there grows out of that love a certain trust
and confidence that there is to be no falling away from that the fruition of
which it then possesses. It seems to see the reward distinctly, as if it
were impossible for it to abandon that which, even in this life, is so
delicious and sweet, for anything so mean and impure as worldly joy. Through
this confidence, Satan robs it of that distrust which it ought to have in
itself; and so, as I have just said, [264] the soul exposes itself to
dangers, and begins, in the fulness of its zeal, to give away without
discretion the fruit of its garden, thinking that now it has no reason to be
afraid for itself. Yet this does not come out of pride; for the soul clearly
understands that of itself it can do no good thing; but rather out of an
excessive confidence in God, without discretion: because the soul does not
see itself to be unfledged. It can go forth out of its nest, and God Himself
may take it out, but still it cannot fly, because the virtues are not
strong, and itself has no experience wherewith to discern the dangers; nor
is it aware of the evil which trusting to itself may do it.

23. This it was that ruined me. Now, to understand this, and everything else
in the spiritual life, we have great need of a director, and of conference
with spiritual persons. I fully believe, with respect to that soul which God
raises to this state, that He will not cease to be gracious to it, nor
suffer it to be lost, if it does not utterly forsake His Majesty. But when
that soul as I said falls, let it look to it again and again, for the love
of our Lord, that Satan deceive it not by tempting it to give up prayer, as
he tempted me, through that false humility of which I have spoken before,
[265] and would gladly speak of again and again. Let it rely on the goodness
of God, which is greater than all the evil we can do. When we, acknowledging
our own vileness, desire to return into His grace, He remembers our
ingratitude no more, no, not even the graces He has given us, for the
purpose of chastising us, because of our misuse of them; yea, rather, they
help to procure our pardon the sooner, as of persons who have been members
of His household, and who, as they say, have eaten of His bread.

24. Let them remember His words, and behold what He hath done unto me, who
grew weary of sinning before He grew weary of forgiving. He is never weary
of giving, nor can His compassion be exhausted. Let us not grow weary
ourselves of receiving. May He be blessed for ever, Amen; and may all
created things praise Him!
_________________________________________________________________

[254] See [229]ch. xx.§ 2.

[255] See [230]ch. xvii.§ 3.

[256] [231]Ch. vii.§ 17, and [232]ch. viii.§ 5.

[257] Psalm cxviii. 137: "Thou art just, O Lord, and Thy judgment is right."

[258] See [233]ch. xxv.

[259] See [234]ch. viii.§ 1.

[260] [235]Ch. vii.§ 17.

[261] [236]Ch. vii.§ 27.

[262] [237]Ch. xxxi.§ 21.

[263] [238]Ch. xx.§ 33, and [239]ch. xxv.§ 24.

[264] [240]Ch. xix.§ 4.

[265] See [241]§ 16.
_________________________________________________________________

Chapter XX.

The Difference Between Union and Rapture. What Rapture Is. The Blessing It
Is to the Soul. The Effects of It.

1. I wish I could explain, with the help of God, wherein union differs from
rapture, or from transport, or from flight of the spirit, as they speak, or
from a trance, which are all one. [266] I mean, that all these are only
different names for that one and the same thing, which is also called
ecstasy. [267] It is more excellent than union, the fruits of it are much
greater, and its other operations more manifold; for union is uniform in the
beginning, the middle, and the end, and is so also interiorly. But as
raptures have ends of a much higher kind, they produce effects both within
and without. [268] As our Lord has explained the other matters, so also may
He explain this; for certainly, if He had not shown me in what way and by
what means this explanation was in some measure possible, I should never
have been able to do it.

2. Consider we now that this last water, of which I am speaking, is so
abundant that, were it not that the ground refuses to receive it, we might
suppose that the cloud of His great Majesty is here raining down upon us on
earth. And when we are giving Him thanks for this great mercy, drawing near
to Him in earnest, with all our might, then it is our Lord draws up the
soul, as the clouds, so to speak, gather the mists from the face of the
earth, and carries it away out of itself, I have heard it said that the
clouds, or the sun, draw the mists together, [269] and as a cloud, rising
up to heaven, takes the soul with Him, and begins to show it the treasures
of the kingdom which He has prepared for it. I know not whether the
comparison be accurate or not; but the fact is, that is the way in which it
is brought about. During rapture, the soul does not seem to animate the
body, the natural heat of which is perceptibly lessened; the coldness
increases, though accompanied with exceeding joy and sweetness. [270]

3. A rapture is absolutely irresistible; whilst union, inasmuch as we are
then on our own ground, may be hindered, though that resistance be painful
and violent; it is, however, almost always impossible. But rapture, for the
most part, is irresistible. It comes, in general, as a shock, quick and
sharp, before you can collect your thoughts, or help yourself in any way,
and you see and feel it as a cloud, or a strong eagle rising upwards, and
carrying you away on its wings.

4. I repeat it: you feel and see yourself carried away, you know not
whither. For though we feel how delicious it is, yet the weakness of our
nature makes us afraid at first, and we require a much more resolute and
courageous spirit than in the previous states, in order to risk everything,
come what may, and to abandon ourselves into the hands of God, and go
willingly whither we are carried, seeing that we must be carried away,
however painful it may be; and so trying is it, that I would very often
resist, and exert all my strength, particularly at those times when the
rapture was coming on me in public. I did so, too, very often when I was
alone, because I was afraid of delusions. Occasionally I was able, by great
efforts, to make a slight resistance; but afterwards I was worn out, like a
person who had been contending with a strong giant; at other times it was
impossible to resist at all: my soul was carried away, and almost always my
head with it, I had no power over it, and now and then the whole body as
well, so that it was lifted up from the ground.

5. This has not happened to me often: once, however, it took place when we
were all together in choir, and I, on my knees, on the point of
communicating. It was a very sore distress to me; for I thought it a most
extraordinary thing, and was afraid it would occasion much talk; so I
commanded the nuns for it happened after I was made Prioress never to speak
of it. But at other times, the moment I felt that our Lord was about to
repeat the act, and once, in particular, during a sermon, it was the feast
of our house, some great ladies being present, I threw myself on the ground;
then the nuns came around me to hold me; but still the rapture was observed.

6. I made many supplications to our Lord, that He would be pleased to give
me no more of those graces which were outwardly visible; for I was weary of
living under such great restraint, and because His Majesty could not bestow
such graces on me without their becoming known. It seems that, of His
goodness, He has been pleased to hear my prayer; for I have never been
enraptured since. It is true that it was not long ago. [271]

7. It seemed to me, when I tried to make some resistance, as if a great
force beneath my feet lifted me up. I know of nothing with which to compare
it; but it was much more violent than the other spiritual visitations, and I
was therefore as one ground to pieces; for it is a great struggle, and, in
short, of little use, whenever our Lord so wills it. There is no power
against His power.

8. At other times He is pleased to be satisfied when He makes us see that He
is ready to give us this grace, and that it is not He that withholds it.
Then, when we resist it out of humility, He produces those very effects
which would have resulted if we had fully consented to it.

9. The effects of rapture are great: one is that the mighty power of our
Lord is manifested; and as we are not strong enough, when His Majesty wills
it, to control either soul or body, so neither have we any power over it;
but, whether we like it or not, we see that there is one mightier than we
are, that these graces are His gifts, and that of ourselves we can do
nothing whatever; and humility is deeply imprinted in us. And further, I
confess that it threw me into great fear, very great indeed at first; for
when I saw my body thus lifted up from the earth, how could I help it?
Though the spirit draws it upwards after itself, and that with great
sweetness, if unresisted, the senses are not lost; at least, I was so much
myself as to be able to see that I was being lifted up. The majesty of Him
who can effect this so manifests itself, that the hairs of my head stand
upright, [272] and a great fear comes upon me of offending God, who is so
mighty. This fear is bound up in exceedingly great love, which is acquired
anew, and directed to Him, who, we see, bears so great a love to a worm so
vile, and who seems not to be satisfied with attracting the soul to Himself
in so real a way, but who will have the body also, though it be mortal and
of earth so foul, such as it is through our sins, which are so great.

10. Rapture leaves behind a certain strange detachment also, which I shall
never be able to describe; I think I can say that it is in some respects
different from yea, higher than the other graces, which are simply
spiritual; for though these effect a complete detachment in spirit from all
things, it seems that in this of rapture our Lord would have the body itself
to be detached also: and thus a certain singular estrangement from the
things of earth is wrought, which makes life much more distressing.
Afterwards it causes a pain, which we can never inflict of ourselves, nor
remove when once it has come.

11. I should like very much to explain this great pain, and I believe I
shall not be able; however, I will say something if I can. And it is to be
observed that this is my present state, and one to which I have been brought
very lately, after all the visions and revelations of which I shall speak,
and after that time, wherein I gave myself to prayer, in which our Lord gave
me so much sweetness and delight. [273] Even now I have that sweetness
occasionally; but it is the pain of which I speak that is the most frequent
and the most common. It varies in its intensity. I will now speak of it when
it is sharpest; for I shall speak later on [274] of the great shocks I used
to feel when our Lord would throw me into those trances, and which are, in
my opinion, as different from this pain as the most corporeal thing is from
the most spiritual; and I believe that I am not exaggerating much. For
though the soul feels that pain, it is in company with the body; [275] both
soul and body apparently share it, and it is not attended with that
extremity of abandonment which belongs to this.

12. As I said before, [276] we have no part in causing this pain; but very
often there springs up a desire unexpectedly, I know not how it comes, and
because of this desire, which pierces the soul in a moment, the soul begins
to be wearied, so much so that it rises upwards above itself, and above all
created things. God then so strips it of everything, that, do what it may,
there is nothing on earth that can be its companion. Neither, indeed, would
it wish to have any; it would rather die in that loneliness. If people spoke
to it, and if itself made every effort possible to speak, it would be of
little use: the spirit, notwithstanding all it may do, cannot be withdrawn
from that loneliness; and though God seems, as it were, far away from the
soul at that moment, yet He reveals His grandeurs at times in the strangest
way conceivable. That way is indescribable; I do not think any one can
believe or comprehend it who has not previously had experience of it. It is
a communication made, not to console, but to show the reason why the soul
must be weary; because it is far away from the Good which in itself
comprehends all good.

13. In this communication the desire grows, so also does the bitterness of
that loneliness wherein the soul beholds itself, suffering a pain so sharp
and piercing that, in that very loneliness in which it dwells, it may
literally say of itself, and perhaps the royal prophet said so, being in
that very loneliness himself, except that our Lord may have granted to him,
being a saint, to feel it more deeply, "Vigilavi, et factus sum sicut passer
solitarius in tecto." [277] These words presented themselves to me in such a
way that I thought I saw them fulfilled in myself. It was a comfort to know
that others had felt this extreme loneliness; how much greater my comfort,
when these persons were such as David was! The soul is then so I think not
in itself, but on the house-top, or on the roof, above itself, and above all
created things; for it seems to me to have its dwelling higher than even in
the highest part of itself.

14. On other occasions, the soul seems to be, as it were, in the utmost
extremity of need, asking itself, and saying, "Where is Thy God?" [278] And
it is to be remembered, that I did not know how to express in Spanish the
meaning of those words. Afterwards, when I understood what it was, I used to
console myself with the thought, that our Lord, without any effort of mine,
had made me remember them. At other times, I used to recollect a saying of
St. Paul's, to the effect that he was crucified to the world. [279] I do not
mean that this is true of me: I know it is not; but I think it is the state
of the enraptured soul. No consolation reaches it from heaven, and it is not
there itself; it wishes for none from earth, and it is not there either; but
it is, as it were, crucified between heaven and earth, enduring its passion:
receiving no succour from either.

15. Now, the succour it receives from heaven which, as I have said, [280] is
a most marvellous knowledge of God, above all that we can desire brings with
it greater pain; for the desire then so grows, that, in my opinion, its
intense painfulness now and then robs the soul of all sensation; only, it
lasts but for a short time after the senses are suspended. It seems as if it
were the point of death; only, the agony carries with it so great a joy,
that I know of nothing wherewith to compare it. It is a sharp martyrdom,
full of sweetness; for if any earthly thing be then offered to the soul,
even though it may be that which it habitually found most sweet, the soul
will have none of it; yea, it seems to throw it away at once. The soul sees
distinctly that it seeks nothing but God; yet its love dwells not on any
attribute of Him in particular; it seeks Him as He is, and knows not what it
seeks. I say that it knows not, because the imagination forms no
representation whatever; and, indeed, as I think, during much of that time
the faculties are at rest. Pain suspends them then, as joy suspends them in
union and in a trance.

16. O Jesus! oh, that some one would clearly explain this to you, my father,
were it only that you may tell me what it means, because this is the
habitual state of my soul! Generally, when I am not particularly occupied, I
fall into these agonies of death, and I tremble when I feel them coming on,
because they are not unto death. But when I am in them, I then wish to spend
therein all the rest of my life, though the pain be so very great, that I
can scarcely endure it. Sometimes my pulse ceases, as it were, to beat at
all, so the sisters say, who sometimes approach me, and who now understand
the matter better, my bones are racked, and my hands become so rigid, that I
cannot always join them. Even on the following day I have a pain in my
wrists, and over my whole body, as if my bones were out of joint. [281]
Well, I think sometimes, if it continues as at present, that it will end, in
the good pleasure of our Lord, by putting an end to my life; for the pain
seems to me sharp enough to cause death; only, I do not deserve it.

17. All my anxiety at these times is that I should die: I do not think of
purgatory, nor of the great sins I have committed, and by which I have
deserved hell. I forget everything in my eagerness to see God; and this
abandonment and loneliness seem preferable to any company in the world. If
anything can be a consolation in this state, it is to speak to one who has
passed through this trial, seeing that, though the soul may complain of it,
no one seems disposed to believe in it.

18. The soul is tormented also because the pain has increased so much, that
it seeks solitude no longer, as it did before, nor companionship, unless it
be that of those to whom it may make its complaint. It is now like a person,
who, having a rope around his neck, and being strangled, tries to breathe.
This desire of companionship seems to me to proceed from our weakness; for,
as pain brings with it the risk of death, which it certainly does; for I
have been occasionally in danger of death, in my great sickness and
infirmities, as I have said before, [282] and I think I may say that this
pain is as great as any, so the desire not to be parted, which possesses
soul and body, is that which raises the cry for succour in order to breathe,
and by speaking of it, by complaining, and distracting itself, causes the
soul to seek means of living very much against the will of the spirit, or
the higher part of the soul, which would not wish to be delivered from
this pain.

19. I am not sure that I am correct in what I say, nor do I know how to
express myself, but to the best of my knowledge it comes to pass in this
way. See, my father, what rest I can have in this life, now that what I once
had in prayer and loneliness therein our Lord used to comfort me has become
in general a torment of this kind; while, at the same time, it is so full of
sweetness, that the soul, discerning its inestimable worth, prefers it to
all those consolations which it formerly had. It seems also to be a safer
state, because it is the way of the cross; and involves, in my opinion, a
joy of exceeding worth, because the state of the body in it is only pain. It
is the soul that suffers and exults alone in that joy and contentment which
suffering supplies.

20. I know not how this can be, but so it is; it comes from the hand of our
Lord, and, as I said before, [283] is not anything that I have acquired
myself, because it is exceedingly supernatural, and I think I would not
barter it for all the graces of which I shall speak further on: I do not say
for all of them together, but for any one of them separately. And it must
not be forgotten that, as I have just said, these impetuosities came upon me
after I had received those graces from our Lord [284] which I am speaking of
now, and all those described in this book, and it is in this state our Lord
keeps me at this moment. [285]

21. In the beginning I was afraid it happens to me to be almost always so
when our Lord leads me by a new way, until His Majesty reassures me as I
proceed and so our Lord bade me not to fear, but to esteem this grace more
than all the others He had given me; for the soul was purified by this
pain burnished, or refined as gold in the crucible, so that it might be the
better enamelled with His gifts, and the dross burnt away in this life,
which would have to be burnt away in purgatory.

22. I understood perfectly that this pain was a great grace; but I was much
more certain of it now and my confessor tells me I did well. And though I
was afraid, because I was so wicked, I never could believe it was anything
wrong: on the other hand, the exceeding greatness of the blessing made me
afraid, when I called to mind how little I had deserved it. Blessed be our
Lord, who is so good! Amen.

23. I have, it seems, wandered from my subject; for I began by speaking of
raptures, and that of which I have been speaking is even more than a
rapture, and the effects of it are what I have described. Now let us return
to raptures, and speak of their ordinary characteristics. I have to say
that, when the rapture was over, my body seemed frequently to be buoyant, as
if all weight had departed from it; so much so, that now and then I scarcely
knew that my feet touched the ground. But during the rapture itself the body
is very often as if it were dead, perfectly powerless. It continues in the
position it was in when the rapture came upon it if sitting, sitting; if the
hands were open, or if they were shut, they will remain open or shut. [286]
For though the senses fail but rarely, it has happened to me occasionally to
lose them wholly seldom, however, and then only for a short time. But in
general they are in disorder; and though they have no power whatever to deal
with outward things, there remains the power of hearing and seeing; but it
is as if the things heard and seen were at a great distance, far away.

24. I do not say that the soul sees and hears when the rapture is at the
highest, I mean by at the highest, when the faculties are lost, because
profoundly united with God, for then it neither sees, nor hears, nor
perceives, as I believe; but, as I said of the previous prayer of union,
[287] this utter transformation of the soul in God continues only for an
instant; yet while it continues no faculty of the soul is aware of it, or
knows what is passing there. Nor can it be understood while we are living on
the earth at least, God will not have us understand it, because we must be
incapable of understanding it. I know it by experience.

25. You, my father, will ask me: How comes it, then, that a rapture
occasionally lasts so many hours? What has often happened to me is this, I
spoke of it before, when writing of the previous state of prayer, [288] the
rapture is not continuous, the soul is frequently absorbed, or, to speak
more correctly, our Lord absorbs it in Himself; and when He has held it thus
for a moment, the will alone remains in union with Him. The movements of the
two other faculties seem to me to be like those of the needle of sun-dials,
which is never at rest; yet when the Sun of Justice will have it so, He can
hold it still.

26. This I speak of lasts but a moment; yet, as the impulse and the
upraising of the spirit were vehement, and though the other faculties bestir
themselves again, the will continues absorbed, and causes this operation in
the body, as if it were the absolute mistress; for now that the two other
faculties are restless, and attempt to disturb it, it takes care for if it
is to have enemies, the fewer the better that the senses also shall not
trouble it: and thus it comes to pass that the senses are suspended; for so
our Lord wills it. And for the most part the eyes are closed, though we may
not wish to close them; and if occasionally they remain open, as I said just
now, the soul neither discerns nor considers what it sees.

27. What the body then can do here is still less in order that, when the
faculties come together again, there may not be so much to do. Let him,
therefore, to whom our Lord has granted this grace, be not discouraged when
he finds himself in this state the body under constraint for many hours, the
understanding and the memory occasionally astray. The truth is that, in
general, they are inebriated with the praises of God, or with searching to
comprehend or understand that which has passed over them. And yet even for
this they are not thoroughly awake, but are rather like one who has slept
long, and dreamed, and is hardly yet awake.

28. I dwell so long on this point because I know that there are persons now,
even in this place, [289] to whom our Lord is granting these graces; and if
their directors have had no experience in the matter, they will think,
perhaps, that they must be as dead persons during the trance and they will
think so the more if they have no learning. It is piteous to see what those
confessors who do not understand this make people suffer. I shall speak of
it by and by. [290] Perhaps I do not know what I am saying. You, my father,
will understand it, if I am at all correct; for our Lord has admitted you to
the experience of it: yet, because that experience is not very great, it may
be, perhaps, that you have not considered the matter so much as I have done.

29. So then, though I do all I can, my body has no strength to move for some
time; the soul took it all away. Very often, too, he who was before sickly
and full of pain remains healthy, and even stronger; for it is something
great that is given to the soul in rapture; and sometimes, as I have said
already, [291] our Lord will have the body rejoice, because it is obedient
in that which the soul requires of it. When we recover our consciousness,
the faculties may remain, if the rapture has been deep, for a day or two,
and even for three days, so absorbed, or as if stunned, so much so, as to be
in appearance no longer themselves.

30. Here comes the pain of returning to this life; here it is the wings of
the soul grew, to enable it to fly so high: the weak feathers are fallen
off. Now the standard of Christ is raised up aloft, which seems to be
nothing else but the going up, or the carrying up, of the Captain of the
fort to the highest tower of it, there to raise up the standard of God. The
soul, as in a place of safety, looks down on those below; it fears no
dangers now yea, rather, it courts them, as one assured beforehand of
victory. It sees most clearly how lightly are the things of this world to be
esteemed, and the nothingness thereof. The soul now seeks not, and possesses
not, any other will but that of doing our Lord's will, [292] and so it prays
Him to let it be so; it gives to Him the keys of its own will. Lo, the
gardener is now become the commander of a fortress! The soul will do nothing
but the will of our Lord; it will not act as the owner even of itself, nor
of anything, not even of a single apple in the orchard; only, if there be
any good thing in the garden, it is at His Majesty's disposal; for from
henceforth the soul will have nothing of its own, all it seeks is to do
everything for His glory, and according to His will.

31. This is really the way in which these things come to pass; if the
raptures be true raptures, the fruits and advantages spoken of abide in the
soul; but if they did not, I should have great doubts about their being from
God yea, rather, I should be afraid they were those frenzies of which St.
Vincent speaks. [293] I have seen it myself, and I know it by experience,
that the soul in rapture is mistress of everything, and acquires such
freedom in one hour, and even in less, as to be unable to recognize itself.
It sees distinctly that all this does not belong to it, neither knows it how
it came to possess so great a good; but it clearly perceives the very great
blessing which every one of these raptures always brings. No one will
believe this who has not had experience of it, and so they do not believe
the poor soul: they saw it lately so wicked, and now they see it pretend to
things of so high an order; for it is not satisfied with serving our Lord in
the common way, it must do so forthwith in the highest way it can. They
consider this a temptation and a folly; yet they would not be astonished, if
they knew that it comes not from the soul, but from our Lord, to whom it has
given up the keys of its will.

32. For my part, I believe that a soul which has reached this state neither
speaks nor acts of itself, but rather that the supreme King takes care of
all it has to do. O my God, how clear is the meaning of those words, and
what good reason the Psalmist had, and all the world will ever have, to pray
for the wings of a dove! [294] It is plain that this is the flight of the
spirit rising upwards above all created things, and chiefly above itself:
but it is a sweet flight, a delicious flight a flight without noise.

33. Oh, what power that soul possesses which our Lord raises to this state!
how it looks down upon everything, entangled by nothing! how ashamed it is
of the time when it was entangled! how it is amazed at its own blindness!
how it pities those who are still in darkness, especially if they are men of
prayer, and have received consolations from God! It would like to cry out to
them, that they might be made to see the delusions they are in: and, indeed,
it does so now and then; and then a thousand persecutions fall upon it as a
shower. People consider it wanting in humility, and think it means to teach
those from whom it should learn, particularly if it be a woman. Hence its
condemnation; and not without reason; because they know not how strong the
influence is that moves it.

The soul at times cannot help itself; nor can it refrain from undeceiving
those it loves, and whom it longs to see delivered out of the prison of this
life; for that state in which the soul itself had been before neither is,
nor seems to be, anything else but a prison.

34. The soul is weary of the days during which it respected points of
honour, and the delusion which led it to believe that to be honour which the
world calls by that name; now it sees it to be the greatest lie, and that we
are all walking therein. It understands that true honour is not delusive,
but real, esteeming that which is worthy of esteem, and despising that which
is despicable; for everything is nothing, and less than nothing, whatever
passeth away, and is not pleasing unto God. The soul laughs at itself when
it thinks of the time in which it regarded money, and desired to possess
it, though, as to this, I verily believe that I never had to confess such a
fault; it was fault enough to have regarded money at all. If I could
purchase with money the blessings which I possess, I should make much of it;
but it is plain that these blessings are gained by abandoning all things.

35. What is there that is procurable by this money which we desire? Is it
anything of worth, and anything lasting? Why, then, do we desire it? A
dismal resting place it provides, which costs so dear! Very often it obtains
for us hell itself, fire everlasting, and torments without end. Oh, if all
men would but regard it as profitless dross, how peaceful the world would
be! how free from bargaining! How friendly all men would be one with
another, if no regard were paid to honour and money! I believe it would be a
remedy for everything.

36. The soul sees how blind men are to the nature of pleasure how by means
of it they provide for themselves trouble and disquietude even in this life.
What restlessness! how little satisfaction! what labour in vain! It sees,
too, not only the cobwebs that cover it, and its great faults, but also the
specks of dirt, however slight they may be; for the sun shines most clearly;
and thus, however much the soul may have laboured at its own perfection, it
sees itself to be very unclean, if the rays of the sun fall really upon it.
The soul is like water in a vessel, which appears pellucid when the sun does
not shine through it; but if it does, the water then is found to be full
of motes.

37. This comparison is literally correct. Before the soul fell into the
trance, it thought itself to be careful about not offending God, and that it
did what it could in proportion to its strength; but now that it has
attained to this state, in which the Sun of Justice shines upon it, and
makes it open its eyes, it beholds so many motes, that it would gladly close
them again. It is not so truly the child of the noble eagle, that it can
gaze upon the sun; but, for the few instants it can keep them open, it
beholds itself wholly unclean. It remembers the words: "Who shall be just in
Thy presence?" [295] When it looks on this Divine Sun, the brightness
thereof dazzles it, when it looks on itself, its eyes are blinded by the
dust: the little dove is blind. So it happens very often: the soul is
utterly blinded, absorbed, amazed, dizzy at the vision of so much grandeur.

38. It is in rapture that true humility is acquired humility that will never
say any good of self, nor suffer others to do so. The Lord of the garden,
not the soul, distributes the fruit thereof, and so none remains in its
hands; all the good it has, it refers to God; if it says anything about
itself, it is for His glory. It knows that it possesses nothing here; and
even if it wished, it cannot continue ignorant of that. It sees this, as it
were, with the naked eye; for, whether it will or not, its eyes are shut
against the things of this world, and open to see the truth.
_________________________________________________________________

[266] See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. v.; Philippus a SS. Trinitate, Theolog.
Mystic. par. iii. tr. i, disp. iii., art. 3; "Hæc oratio raptus superior est
præcedentibus orationis gradibus, etiam oratione unionis ordinariæ, et habet
effectus multoexcellentiores et multas alias operationes."

[267] "She says that rapture is more excellent than union; that is, that the
soul in a rapture has a greater fruition of God, and that God takes it then
more into His own hands. That is evidently so; because in a rapture the soul
loses the use of its exterior and interior faculties. When she says that
union is the beginning, middle, and end, she means that pure union is almost
always uniform; but that there are degrees in rapture, of which some are, as
it were, the beginning, some the middle, others the end. That is the reason
why it is called by different names; some of which denote the least, others
the most, perfect form of it, as it will appear hereafter." Note in the
Spanish edition of Lopez (De la Fuente).

[268] Anton. a Spirit. Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. 4, d. i. n. 95: "Licet
oratio raptus idem sit apud mysticos ac oratio volatus, seu elevationis
spiritus seu extasis; reipsa tamen raptus aliquid addit super extasim; nam
extasis importat simplicem excessum mentis in seipso secundum quem aliquis
extra suam cognitionem ponitur. Raptus vero super hoc addit violentiam
quandam ab aliquo extrinseco."

[269] The words between the dashes are in the handwriting of the Saint not
however, in the text, but on the margin (De la Fuente).

[270] See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. v. "Primus effectus orationis ecstaticæ
est in corpore, quod ita remanet, ac si per animam non informaretur,
infrigidatur enim calore naturali deficiente, clauduntur suaviter oculi, et
alii sensus amittuntur: contingit tamen quod corpus infirmum in hac oratione
sanitatem recuperat." Anton. a Spirit. Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. iv. d. 2,
§ 4, n. 150.

[271] This passage could not have been in the first Life; for that was
written before she had ever been Prioress.

[272] Job. iv. 15: "Inhorruerunt pili carnis meæ." (See St. John of the
Cross. [242]Spiritual Canticle, sts. 14, 15, vol. ii p. 83, Engl. trans.)

[273] See [243]ch. xxix.

[274] See [244]ch. xx.§ 21.

[275] [245]§ 9, supra.

[276] [246]§ 10.

[277] Psalm ci. 8: "I have watched, and become as a sparrow alone on the
house-top."

[278] Psalm xli. 4: "Ubi est Deus tuus?"

[279] Galat. vi. 14: "In cruce Jesu Christi: per quem mihi mundus crucifixus
est, et ego mundo."

[280] [247]§§ 9 and [248]12.

[281] Daniel x. 16: "In visione tua dissolutæ sunt compages meæ." See St.
John of the Cross, [249]Spiritual Canticle, st. 14, vol. ii. p. 84, Engl.
trans.; and also [250]Relation, viii.§ 13, where this is repeate